Published January 23, 2008
By Angel V.
As I go through the maze
The winds whisper secrets and praise
Go Left, Go Right, Up and Down
It’s hard to know when to turn around
They tell me the legends, and secrets, and dreams
Of the forgotten people of Notradeem
I follow the light that guides’ my way
Not knowing what to do or say
The scenery around the maze is grand
More fairest than all the land
I travel for hours of wake
Not knowing what awaits my fate
And finally we come
To a magnificent place
Full of awe and golden lakes
And flowers bloom everywhere
I ask the fairy what is this place
This is Notradeem my home
I am one of the forgotten of this unknown
All the children stopped believing in us
Now we fade into the dust
To be forgotten once again
Come forth my family and friends
Show this child how to believe again
Thousand of lights come from the trees
Just to make be believe
I tell them I have always believed
They tell me that’s why I can see
The forgotten people of Notradeem
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wow harsh critiques lol but i'll take or advide and work on it
The concept is good, it's just not executed as well as it could be. Either decide to make it a rhyming poem, a metered poem, or a freestyle. As it is, my mental rhythm is thrown off as I read it. Close your eyes and imagine the scene-- find some unique details about it. Try to give readers images and experiences only you can give. Try to make them see the world, or the story, in a different way; that's what poetry is all about.
Good luck!
Cheers,
~Shafter
Mhmm, this was a simple poem--it's more like a normal, average and dull piece of writing, like an aching headache. (Yes, I compared your poem to a headache. Sorry about that.)
Some suggestions are to completely throw this away and if you want to talk about your secret land, do it without rhymes and with imagery that uses evocative senses, such as
smell (this is the most evocative sense, even more than sight! Use it quantitively!)
sight
touch
hearing
taste (Only use it when you taste food, not anything...gross.)
This is my major suggestion for you. I didn't like the poem particularly, but that's just me. Sorry.
PM me if you need any help understanding what I said or maybe to chop off my fingers with rage and fury and disappointment.