Metallic Crystal Alliance ( Chapter 1)

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Tonya scurried down the alley, her tail swished behind her. She was to meet her lover, the baby was coming. Kane and she would meet secretly every few weeks, for a bond between a feral and a human was unthinkable. If they were ever caught dreadful things would happen. The feral half-breed (half human, half feral) would be taken and Tonya and Kane slaughtered. But, the two didn’t care they were in love. Love makes you do crazy things you know. It even makes you defy all the rules.

The pain had started as Tonya entered the under path. Kane was nowhere insight. What had happened? He should have been here by now. Suddenly she saw him in the distance. Something was wrong, a man accompanied him. No not a man, a control robot. Tonya tried to run, but the pain was unbearable. She saw her lover being forced ahead. A gun glistened as it prodded his sleek back. Tears strew his face.

She watched as the robot shoved him to the ground. It pulled a sharp metal string out of its side. Its arms descended and the metal wrapped around her lover’s neck. His head snapped and his body listlessly descended to the gravel. Through her eyes you could see her shattered soul. Kane’s body lay before her. The rain soaked his soulless body. The robot turned to her. “This is your fault,” he said. Rained mixed with her tears and the pain came once more.

Tonya screamed out in pain. The robot watched in disgust. Although at first glance she seemed human the control robot could tell she was more. Ears contrasted auburn hair in fear and her tail lay curled beneath her. There was another rule: no child would be killed. Not even the vilest of creatures. Instead they would be used as servants or worse as slaves.

Giving a final scream a child was born. The offspring was human by looks. She wore a head of blue and silver streaming hair. Fair skin covered her small frame. The robot took the child from her mother. He brushed back the baby’s hair. Two fox ears uncurled. “Retched child, you know not what you parents have done.”

The robot turned on his heel and strode away from Tonya. “Please, please just let me hold her.” He left her there to bleed into nonexistence. When seeing that he was out of sight, and knowing that she wouldn’t upset the baby, she clenched the dagger. With one last final breath she spoke these words “I will always be with you my child.” She looked at Kane, motionless and icy cold. “I’m coming my love!” Tonya thrust the dagger into her chest. Her body let out a sigh and she fell on top of her lover. Another feral had been ridden from the world.

Thank you, and much better

She looks like a bit of both

Fox tail and ears

Human body

* I added a part that says how she looked.

So, let me clear this up, does she look human? Or does she look like a fox?

Thanks for the critique!

Feral -

A feral is a cross between a human and an animal demon.
Yes it's a bit odd lol.
Tonya is a feral ( a fox demon)
Kane is a human

So their child a feral + human = a feral hybrid.

and Yes I need to rewrite this a bit.

Fall_Into_The_Sky wrote:[pre]



Tonya scurried down the alley, her tail swished behind her. She was to meet her lover. The baby was coming. Kane and she would meet secretly every few weeks. For a bond between a feral and a human was unthinkable. If they were ever caught dreadful things would happen. The feral half-breed (half human, half feral) would be taken and Tonya and Kane slaughtered. But, the two didn’t care they were in love. Love makes you do crazy things you know. It even makes you defy all the rules.

[A lot of these sentences can be put together and made longer, not that short senteces are bad, a lot of my own writing has short sentences. They give a piece a more choppy feeling, which, if used right can be a very good effect. Somehow, when reading this, I don't think you made for it to be choppy, and if you did, PM me and I'll give you some tips on how to make it better.

I like how you came back to love at the end, that made it a little better, but the problem is, I'm already confused. Feral? I keep thinking it's a dog, or something, and I'm so into reading about beasitality, not many people are, so if you could explain it in a way that would make it more...um...reader friendly, I would highly suggest doing so.]

The pain had started as Tonya entered the under path. Kane was nowhere insight [Two words]. What had happened? He should have been here by now. Suddenly she saw him in the distance. Something was wrong. A man accompanied him. No not a man, a control robot. Tonya tried to run, but the pain was unbearable. She saw her lover being forced ahead. A gun glistened as it prodded his sleek back. Tears strew [I don't think strew is the right word here, but I could be wrong.] his face.

[Again, very choppy sentences are making it hard to get into the story, simply because I'm aware that I'm reading. Good storys, as you probably know, make you foreget that you're reading, and you just feel like you're part of the story. If there are too many mistakes or choppy sentences it can make for hard reading, and that's not as much fun. Don't be afraid to have long paragraphs, if it's good enough, people will read anyways. Please, explain what's happening, give emotion and description.]


She watched as the robot shoved him to the ground. It pulled a sharp metal string out of its side. Its arms descended and the metal wrapped around her lover’s neck. His head snapped and his body listlessly descended to the gravel. Through her eyes you could see her shattered soul. [I would change this sentence, who is she, why can she see, what is she feeling?] Kane’s body lay before her. The rain soaked his soulless body. The robot turned to her. “This is your fault,” he said. Rained mixed with her tears and the pain came once more.

[Try to avoid using the word 'thing'. You're the writer, and if you don't know what it is, how are the readers supposed to know? Once again, choppy sentences, but it's not just that, it's that you're leaving out parts of the story, which ultimately makes it confusing.]



Tonya screamed out in pain. The robot watched in disgust. There was another rule. No child would be killed. Not even the vilest of creatures. Instead they would be used as servants or worse as slaves. She gave a final scream and a child was born. The offspring was human by looks. She wore a head of blue and silver streaming hair. Fair skin covered her small frame. The robot took the child from her mother. He brushed back the baby’s hair. Two fox ears uncurled. “Retched child, you know not what you parents have done.”

[Okay, this is where it gets better. Try seperating your paragraphs a bit more. Dialogue gets it's own line in most cases today.]


The robot turned on his heel and strode away from Tonya. “Please, please just let me hold her.” He left her there to bleed into nonexistence. When seeing that he was out of sight, and knowing that she wouldn’t upset the baby, she clenched the dagger. With one last final breath she spoke these words “I will always be with you my child.” She looked at Kane, motionless and icy cold. “I’m coming my love!” Tonya thrust the dagger into her chest. Her body let out a sigh and she fell on top of her lover. Another feral had been ridden from the world.
[Okay, now please, what is Tonya? She isn't human, that's been established, is she a fox? How does a fox hold dagger? You need to explain more, or the reader is just going to get lost and lose interest.]
[/pre]

i didn't know who the feral was either but overall i loved this story!!

Yes sorry about the confusion.

wow, i'm glad i asked because the whole time i thought that it was the man who was the feral and thats why he was killed first but now it makes sense that the robot thing gave her a dirty look after he took the baby...right? haha, it all makes sense now!

Yea I need to describe them a bit more .

The feral is the woman.

HEY!!

So, I read this and I liked it a lot. I liked how you were able to show the reader the range of emotions and make them feel them as well. I dont even know these characters, but I felt really bad for their situation already. My only question is who is the feral (sp?). I couldnt tell if it was the woman or the man...thats all for now and I look forward to reading more of this story.

yea i wrote the whole story in about 2-3 days so it does need some work
i'm sick with flu so it'll take some time

Yeah, Razorblade kind of just said everything I was planning to say. I like the general idea, though. I'm looking forward to reading the rewrite.

yea i plan to redo it

thanks for the tips

Hello there! I don't think I've seen you around YWS before. My name is Saint and I shall be your critiquer today.

*Random note* Your sentence fluency needs work -- all of your sentences are nearly uniform in length and it's kind of annoying to read. You definitely need to vary your sentence length.

Also, you seem to have trouble with homonyms -- be sure to double check that you're using the right word. For exmaple, "in sight" means within vision, "insight" means something totally different.

Other than the sentence fluency and a couple grammar errors, you have one major flaw: lack of detail. I can't really tell what's happening because there isn't enough detail. I want more -- what's going through the characters' heads? Describe the setting a little more. Use strong verbs, descriptive language, etc. Spice this up! Right now it's really pretty bland. I can't care for the characters because there's not enough for me to really connect with them. I don't get to see who they are and I can't identify with them. And that kind of bond is the most important one that a writer is shooting for. It's really important.

So work on your sentence fluency and add more detail to this, okay?

PM me if you have any questions!

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate