Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Tonya scurried down the alley, her tail swished behind her. She was to meet her lover, the baby was coming. Kane and she would meet secretly every few weeks, for a bond between a feral and a human was unthinkable. If they were ever caught dreadful things would happen. The feral half-breed (half human, half feral) would be taken and Tonya and Kane slaughtered. But, the two didn’t care they were in love. Love makes you do crazy things you know. It even makes you defy all the rules.
The pain had started as Tonya entered the under path. Kane was nowhere insight. What had happened? He should have been here by now. Suddenly she saw him in the distance. Something was wrong, a man accompanied him. No not a man, a control robot. Tonya tried to run, but the pain was unbearable. She saw her lover being forced ahead. A gun glistened as it prodded his sleek back. Tears strew his face.
Okay well this is a very powerful start here. I love that you take some time to very smoothly introduce to this world and sort of establish exactly what sort of stakes we're working with here. You just about manage to make it all fit in quite smoothly without dipping your toes into the direction of the ol' infodump and that works really well with that second because then we know just how bad this moment happens to be and I think that does wonders to get our attention right away here.
She watched as the robot shoved him to the ground. It pulled a sharp metal string out of its side. Its arms descended and the metal wrapped around her lover’s neck. His head snapped and his body listlessly descended to the gravel. Through her eyes you could see her shattered soul. Kane’s body lay before her. The rain soaked his soulless body. The robot turned to her. “This is your fault,” he said. Rained mixed with her tears and the pain came once more.
Tonya screamed out in pain. The robot watched in disgust. Although at first glance she seemed human the control robot could tell she was more. Ears contrasted auburn hair in fear and her tail lay curled beneath her. There was another rule: no child would be killed. Not even the vilest of creatures. Instead they would be used as servants or worse as slaves.
Well yup that proceeded I suppose exactly as was detailed at the start there. No surprises on that count, and the sheer helplessness of the situation and just how powerless these two happen to be as this thing emotionlessly carries out its duty is very powerfully represented here and just the raw emotion pouring out here does wonders for making things very, very interesting here.
Giving a final scream a child was born. The offspring was human by looks. She wore a head of blue and silver streaming hair. Fair skin covered her small frame. The robot took the child from her mother. He brushed back the baby’s hair. Two fox ears uncurled. “Retched child, you know not what you parents have done.”
The robot turned on his heel and strode away from Tonya. “Please, please just let me hold her.” He left her there to bleed into nonexistence. When seeing that he was out of sight, and knowing that she wouldn’t upset the baby, she clenched the dagger. With one last final breath she spoke these words “I will always be with you my child.” She looked at Kane, motionless and icy cold. “I’m coming my love!” Tonya thrust the dagger into her chest. Her body let out a sigh and she fell on top of her lover. Another feral had been ridden from the world.
Aaand that was yup, no surprises once again on that part. It does leave you with quite the start though. As far as first chapters go, this one is a very powerful one and the sheer emotional impact here does make you really want to find out what happens next and how this will all pan out. You do a very good job here of creating something that really gets you invested in the situation quite fast here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 254413
Reviews: 4104
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