Published May 10, 2008
Adeline’s fingers trailed the banister. It was coarse and faded, no longer as gleaming as the day they arrived. But that was many years past, back then she saw her father daily. She still remembered the sent of his cologne, and the way his arms held her. One day all that changed. Adeline was sliding down the banister on her 10th birthday, but this time when she pivoted to the floor she was soaked. As she stood up her eyes traveled to the puddle. Her dress smeared with blood clinged to scrawny legs. She started crying because her blue lace dress was ruined. Two little feet slumped towards the kitchen. Pushing the door open, it stopped half way. Angrily she shoved it and it banged against something. The door creaked open and she peaked inside.
The whole town heard her scream that day. Daddy was lying on the kitchen floor and huge pool of blood around him. His daughter hurried to his side and shook him.
“Daddy, please wake up! It’s me Adeline! The game’s over, Daddy! It’s not funny anymore!”
But he never woke up. He didn’t wake up when she shook him. Nor did he when the medics pried her from his lifeless body. She screamed at him as the ambulance pulled away. Her mother held her back. At the last instant she broke free from her grasp and ran after him. That’s where the scar came from. The faster the ambulance drove the faster her little legs took her. But as it turned the corner the lunged for the metal ladder attached to its back. She missed and landed face down in the gravel.
The angel had been too late to save him.
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139,268 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is intriguing. There's a slight sense of mixed messages here when it comes to determining this main character's age because we get the feeling this is something of a maybe teenage sort of person at the start then the end hints at someone slightly younger and it's a bit confusing, but in general, we've got a very interesting and oddly specific detail of backstory there combined with what seems like quit an intriguing bit of exploring there to make a very interesting start here. Let's see where this one takes us.
Hmm well that does seem to put that age squarely in the somewhat younger category so I think you have to take a second look at the very beginning there. Otherwise this is a very solid note to be ending on. I love the gradual description as it becomes pretty clear exactly what has happened. The reaction and the emotions on display are pretty on point and then that one line there works very together quite well with this incident to make for a neat little cliffhanger to make you want to turn that page and find out more.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Haha. Hey, thanks!
I just woke up thanks to this story!
This really grabbed my attention. It seemed rushed, but it was good. Seriously. ^^
I loved it!
Wow Fallen this was a very powerful start, it was very sad. I really can't wait to read more.
The story got my attention right away. You got some talent
. But the first paragraph i found you rushed into her dads death to quickly. You could do a little more explaining whats going on in present time before saying "But that was many years past, back then she saw her father daily."
in the later chapters it explains the prologue a bit
I'll post more soon
I liked this!! I liked this very much! It seemed a little rushed, but it's a good beginning.
A little colony of grammatcial mistakes here, mate.
I would suggest:
“Daddy, please wake up! It’s me Adeline! The game’s over, Daddy! It’s not funny anymore!”
But I really liked this. Good job!