E - Everyone

Creepy Lover PT.1

PreviousNext

 I wake up and cry about having another day working! I arrive at work at the same time as usual, 8:45, not wanting to get out of my old tiny pink car. I walk to the counter and take orders, but out of the corner of my eye, I see a pair of eyes glaring at me, but not in a creepy way. I ignored it and kept working, but when I went on my lunch break, he was still staring, deciding to call my boyfriend he did not pick up, But I figured that because he was at a job interview. Feeling uneasy, I walk outside to cool off, trying to forget the guy.

I called my mom, “This man is staring at me and making me uncomfortable.”

“Have you asked him to stop?” My mom said, sounding incredibly stressed out and rummaging through drawers.

“No, I feel too scar....” I reply.

“I’ll talk to you later, honey. I have to go bye.” cutting me off.

I sigh and decide to go back to work. When I walk up to the counter, the man is standing right there. I ask him what he wants, but he replies, “Hey, I want a burger with a side of that a--. “EXCUSE ME !!!” Furiously, I storm out and find my boss. Trying not to cry, I told him what was happening, but he didn't believe me. “If you don't believe me, then fine, but I'm done.” Throwing my apron down on the ground, knowing I had to keep this job or else I would lose my apartment because I was struggling to pay my rent. After 3 hours of the man staring into my soul while I was working, I finally got to clock out and go home. On the way home, I was thinking about him. He made me feel weird because I felt like I knew him. Once I arrived at my apartment, I could not stop thinking about him. Then, my boyfriend Marcus stormed in. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me that I had ruined his job interview because I called him and it was a NO PHONE POLICY workplace. I said I was sorry, and he cooled down and asked why I needed to call him. I told him that a man at the cafe was trying to harass me. Marcus, being Marcus, asked me who he was and where he lived I told him. "I don't know, Marcus, I ran away from the guy what makes u think I was asking all these questions"? He brushed it off, and we had a movie night for our 2nd anniversary, which was sweet of him because he got me flowers and chocolate and coffee and candy, etc... Considering last year he forgot, but that's ok IT's NOT LIKE IT WAS OUR 1st ANNIVERSARY!! Ok, I need to calm down. Then we headed off to bed. 

The next morning, I was debating if I wanted to go into the cafe or if I should stay home. I ended up going to work (Marcus made me). Once I arrived the same man from the cafe was there, and HE WAS BEHIND THE COUNTER!!! "WTH ARE YOU DOING BACK HERE!!!" I yelled. "I work here now," he said with an unsettling grin. I gave my boss the worst side-eye of her life and walked to the counter. Later, I found out that he was a cook, which I was happy about because I did not have to be near him or speak to him. All I have to do is send him a ticket through the ticket machine and then handle the next person. I didn't have a problem with him today, which was like a dream come true. So I clocked out and drove home, jamming to the new SZA album. Once I got home, I was cooking my mom's famous spaghetti(which I burnt because I suck at cooking ) and texted Marcus to bring a pizza home for dinner. I was getting ready for bed while Marcus was in the shower, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw a shadow coming from the kitchen, but I brushed it off because I remembered I hung my coat up in there, so it's probably that. When Marcus gets out of the shower, I tell him about it, and he turns the corner, and he runs back into the room, grabs a knife, and tells me to crawl through the window and lock the door. I was so scared that it felt like I couldn't move my body.  

I grab my phone and dart to the window, and I hear a scream that was so ear bleeding. I couldn't tell if Marcus was the one who screamed like that or something else. Then it hits me...... "IT'S KYRI...IT'S KYRI THAT'S WHO IT IS... HE'S, MY EX!'' I call the police while crawling through the window. "911 what's your emergency?" "HELP! MY BOYFRIEND IS STABBING MY EX!" The cops arrived in 15 minutes, and my boyfriend was arrested for murder that night it all went in a flash, so I called my mom, but she didn't pick up I was worried because she always answered me when I called. So, on the cold quiet drive over which was about 2 hours away, the door wasn't budging like it was barricaded. I know my dad likes to lock doors and be safe, but something wasn't right. So, I called the cops again the next day to do a wellness check on my parents because they were getting old, and I couldn't have an eye on them because they lived so far away. That night was weird sleeping and feeling safe in my 2-bedroom apartment without Marcus. So, I called my bestie over. "Hey boo, what's good?" Layla said as she barged into the apartment. "Nothing but can u stay over until I feel safe being here without Marcus is really weird?" I said with an uneasy expression on my face. "Girl, you KNOW it OFC I'll stay with u!!!" she said as if she just won 4 million dollars. She stayed the night, and we hung out she ended up falling asleep first, but I couldn't sleep so I watched ASMR and dosed off. Then I woke up to a loud crash at my door. I get up and turn the corner and there I see KYRI!!!! I quietly shut the door and locked it, and I woke Layla up and told her that we needed to crawl out of the window she asked why, and I said BECASUE KYRI IS IN THE HOUSE NOW COME ON!!! She frantically scurried over to the window and crawled out. "I THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD I THOUGHT UR BOYFRIEND KILLED HIM!!!!" "I DID TOO!!!!"  We run across the street to my neighbor Linda's house and bang on her door. Then we heard the most maniacal laugh ever I turned around and Kyri was standing right there breathing on my neck. "YOU'RE NOT GETTING AWAY THAT EASILY!!!" as he grabs my hair drags me into his car and drives away....................

Comments & reviews · 4
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
FallFlowers Comment
Stickied · FallFlowers commented · Mon Nov 18, 2024 1:55 pm

I dont know why the words got stuck together but I HOPE YOU ENJOY. #first time

User avatar
oceaniya
Review

hi! It's ocean here to shoot you (another) a quick review ଘ(੭ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ✩‧˚

I'll try my best not to be a meanie weenie <3

Now shall we dive in?

+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤

I wake up and cry about having another day working! I arrive at work at the same time as usual, 8:45, not wanting to get out of my old tiny pink car.

So this part really hits you like a Mac truck. You get alot of details all at once (which is NOT a bad thing) The main character (name is still unknown to me rn) is dealing with not wanting to wake up and to go to work so simply she just knows she must.
+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤
“I’ll talk to you later, honey. I have to go bye.” cutting me off.

Instead of writing it like that you should write it like this : ̗̀➛: ̗̀➛: ̗̀➛ #FF80FF ">"I'll talk to you later, honey. I have to go, bye," She's says cutting me off. I can only wonder why she would do that, but I brush it off.
+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤
ask him what he wants, but he replies, “Hey, I want a burger with a side of that a--. “EXCUSE ME !!!” Furiously, I storm out and find my boss. Trying not to cry, I told him what was happening, but he didn't believe me. “If you don't believe me, then fine, but I'm done.”

Instead of writing it like that you should space out the dialogue in the story: ̗̀➛: ̗̀➛: ̗̀➛ #FF80FF "> "Hey, I want a a burger with a side of that ass? The man asks smirking.
"Excuse me?!" I storm out and find my boss trying not to cry, I explained what happened, but he still didn't believe me. "If you don't believe me, then, fine, I'm done," I finally say letting out a exasperated sigh.

+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤
"WTH ARE YOU DOING BACK HERE!!!"

Don't use abbreviations because it's not usually what people use and many people may not know what WTH means. So for future reference don't use abbreviations <3 also here as well
"Girl, you KNOW it OFC I'll stay with u!!!"

+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤
crawled out. "I THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD I THOUGHT UR BOYFRIEND KILLED HIM!!!!" "I DID TOO!!!!" We run across the street to my neighbor Linda's house and bang on her door. Then we heard the most maniacal laugh ever I turned around and Marcus was standing right there breathing on my neck. "YOU'RE NOT GETTING AWAY THAT EASILY!!!" as he grabs my hair drags me into his car and drives away....................

Great ending but the story was so confusing! Maybe try to rework it completely
+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤+*:ꔫ:*﹤
Happy writing <3
Keep on swimming, Ocean ( *ˊᵕˋ)

User avatar
4revgreen
Review

okay wow, i was not expecting that ending!

I love how you have played with the societal expectations; the narrator's worries are pushed away by her mother, the boss not believing her, her boyfriend being mad about her phoning in the interview - it rings very true, this is how women are treated a lot of the time when they try and express safety concerns around men or creepy strangers.

I think you could have made each part longer. Each interaction should be its own paragraph and that way we can really empathise and understand the narrator's emotions more deeply as we progress through the events. Especially the part with the boss; that was a long paragraph that i think you could cut up into a few shorter ones for easier reading & understanding! I think the other characters should have a bit more personality to them, the boss, marcus, etc, with some longer scenes so we can really feel the narrator's anger!

The ending was shocking. I didn't expect it to be her ex! Again, i think this could be drawn out more, more suspense and worry and then BAM the stabbing happens out of nowhere. It feels a tad rushed, but it will be amazing with some slight editing!

I really enjoyed it, and hope to read more of your work in the future. You dealt with a really heavy idea/theme here and I think you are onto something!!

Thank you sooooo much I'm trying to improve my writing skills, so this helps!!!!

User avatar
oceaniya
Review

Hi oc3an here to shoot you your first review!!!


You could have dragged this story out so far!!! Also I got super confused with your writing because it was all over the place. It jumped from scene to scene to scene. You could have explained how Sam and the main character's marriage has went or how the first date went. I totally got the plot though. For a first writing this was pretty decent. I remember when I put my first writing out last year (which I deleted last month because it sucked) my writing was every where. My dialogue was not natural and the responses did not mesh together. But this is YWS where you get positive feedback. I recommend going to the website https://theyoungwriter.com/start-here/ and take the writers quiz by clicking 'start here'. Based off your score they will send you emails or texts to help you in you writing journey.

I hope this helps and if you have any question or need help just PM me.

Love,
oc3an



The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
— Groucho Marx