South For The Winter
HL, P.
That crooked ambience that we slept in;
Our love in limbo.
As indecisive as airport time
Honey, where were we going?
This season won't hold us forever
Is it south for the Winter?
You know why I'm asking.
Are we freezing over?
Can this be it?
That unyielding empty moon,
A phase I did not count on.
Hollowed arms and small goodnights
Am I lost in all these oversights?
Momentum frail as silk
Yet still are we tied
is it by love
Or is it by guilt?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,808 Reviews
Lovely poem.
I just have one question. What does "HL, P" mean?
Nice poem! I know I really want to rattle on about rhyming and rhythm, but this is seriously a poem that doesn't need those two things.
First off, a short, stocky poem like this is preferable with rhyming, but not rhythm. Using rhythm would defeat the purpose of the short lines that are already kind of similar. Second, the use of rhyming is optional since this is a short poem.
Now, to the actual review.
So, what does HL, P. mean?
That's the only question I have for this part. I love the last two lines-- "That crooked ambience that we slept in; Our love in limbo."
Removing the "All" here would ease the connection a bit between the rhyming.
Another thing-- if you are going to rhyme, then make sure you rhyme the entire way. Don't rhyme once and then make everything else disorderly. If you choose not to rhyme, that's great, too. You just have to make a good routine or theme for your poem, is what I'm saying.
This is a powerful stanza, and it has just the right amount of twist to it. I suggest taking the "Is it" from the third line and placing a question mark behind "Love". That would mark some contact between the third and last line.
Anyways, this was a great poem and I hope you are satisfied with this review!
Bon Voyage!
-y0sH!
This is good work. It sorta feels like one of those casual moments in time, where the mind kind've blanks out and your there wondering, is this it? Is this me? Am I meant to be here? With you? At least thats how I interpret it.
I dont really know how to explain it. It has its own taste and feel where its soft but has the potential to dive deeper. I love it. Its really great. I have no criticism
Keep up the good work.
This is very good