This is about niece, called Poppy, she is nine months old.
Your soft blue eyes,
Your rosy red cheeks,
Your delicate cries,
And to think, you are mine.
Words can but describe you,
Your flawless features against mine,
Your beauty will never fade,
Your smile, will light up a room.
You are feebly stirring,
Without a care in the world,
Your eyes tightly shut,
Not a thought passes through.
Beyond your blue eyes,
And your rosy red cheeks,
Lies a once hidden flower,
Blooming at ones eye.
A flower so vibrant and red,
That the dawns late day,
Is over-shadowed by you,
You are the star in my sky,
You are the music in my ears,
And the shine to my eyes,
For you, you are my child,
The Poppy in my garden.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Okay. I am very blunt and down to business, so any harsh criticism, please don't take it personally...I am just trying to make this poem better...
1: you use way too many 'your's
2: the 'can but describe you' is kind of confusing. I'd just say 'cannot describe you...'
3: some of the lines sound disjointed, like they didn't tell a whole statement, so it takes the reader off guard.
4: "You are feebly stirring" that doesn't make much sense. Does looking at Poppy 'stir' a viewer, or is Poppy 'stirring' as in moving around...?
5: "Blooming at ones eye" doesn't sound right or make any sense. You left out an important apostrophe, and you haven't quite clarfied what the 'blooming' is.
6: "That the dawns late day" an oxymoron. You can't have dawn at the same time as late day...it just doesn't work like that...please rephrase this line so that readers can understand it.
7: "For you, you are my child" I would just say 'You are my child" don't overword things. it doesn't sound or look good and it ends up just being surplus.
8; "The Poppy in my garden." very good metaphore. I like this poem.
Cheers!
--Voxina
Ok, I like the subject matter, and the poppy metaphor, but I think it could be brought out more, and that that would make the poem more soft and subtle. How about writing the whole thing about the poppy, but letting the reader know in the title or at the end that it's all about the child? Kind of the reverse of what you've got going here.
I also think this would make a really cool sonnet. It has the perfect set-up for one.
Lovely theme, beautiful metaphor, but the words didn't hit me very hard, they kind of just washed over me. Shorten it and focus the words so that each line has an impact, would be my suggestion. I would love to see another draft!
Keep writing!
-BFG