She will never know.
By Hayley P
She will never know,
how you danced in the sun,
how you ran in the rain,
how you cryed in the ocean,
she will never know,
how you held her hand,
how you touched her skin,
how you whispered her name,
she will never know,
how now you are gone,
you will never love again.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hi Hayley! My biggest question about this poem is, what's it about? You are stating this poem to someone else. Did the "you" in this poem die? Who is "she"? I'm afraid you're being far too vague and using a few too many pronouns.
I took out the first comma in this stanza because you simply don't need it. Any good poetry will pause at the end of a line; that's what the enjambment is for.
I also corrected the spelling of the word "cried."
Again with the comma. I really like the raw emotion and imagery in this stanza.
I think the word "how" just sounds better here. Poetry is all about sounding good.
Anyway, I think this is a greawt piece of poetry, but it needs a little more. I mean, it's lacking something powerful; it just leaves the reader wondering what exactly it was about. I think you need a bit more sorrow in your words.
I hope this helps.
- Abigail
I really do love this, it's quite beautiful, and the heading is rather capturing, but the question is, who is she?
For all I know, that could probably be the point to the poem, so I defiantly am not going to critique that. I love the line,
How you danced in the sun.
the imagery was very captivating and warm. Thank you for writing this! don't stop (:
I love the passion you have here but there are some things I would change. Since you started off in a four stanza form and continued it, you should stick with it. The poem get a little thrown off when you end it with a three stanza. It feels like something is missing. Also, you dont need the commas after each line, as the next stanza starts, it will have its own pause at the end. Hope this helps!
She will never know,
how you danced in the sun,
how you ran in the rain,
how you cryed in the ocean, <<<cryed *cried
Heyo, its Isaac.
So, I liked the basic idea of this piece. But I don't think it was long enough. There was also a sort of issue logic wise. I can imagine that the girl could fail to notice the person in the poem dancing in the rain, but if they are holding hands then I think she should notice, and remember that. Unless they both die...but I dunno, I don't think thats what the poem is saying. Correct me if I'm wrong. But I like the flow of it, just try and lengthen it, and maybe add a little more emotion. It seems to say these sad things, but there isn't enough backing them up to make them actually get to the reader. Least, I didn't feel it as much as I expected to.
Good work and good luck!
- Isaac