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Young Writers Society



The Chronicles of Flaughston Book 1: A Reign to End

by Fael57


As soon as the winged creatures were defeated, the evil creatures ran to Kamos’s house and set it aflame. They let out a shrill shriek and a few of the frightened townspeople fainted. They made it clear that they wouldn’t stop until the entire kingdom was razed to the ground. As they moved towards the houses in the city, Kamos jumped in front of them, sending ice-sickles shooting towards them. The creatures dodged them. One conjured a fire ball and sent it flying at Kamos, knocking him out. All hope seemed lost until a cry issued from the Dark Forest. The battle-cry of the imps!

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Imps came swarming in from the forest. They were huge! The shortest being about 6’ 5” and the tallest at least eight feet. They wore leather vests with armor underneath. There long, pointed ears were covered in silver mail, and a large, green leaf was emblazoned on their chests. The evil creatures were caught off guard. Seeing the imps’ superior force (there being about 500 of them) they fled, back into the Dark Forest.

“Thank you! Oh, thank you!” the townspeople cried. “We do not need thanks for our actions,” stated the lead imp. “My name is Laeldon, and I am the chief of the imps. My people have watched the Evil Shaman and your struggles with him from our hidden homes in the Dark Forest of Areà’ble^andàr, for that is its name in our language.” Laeldon paused. “Finally,” he continued, “we have decided to do something about it.” He finished with a gesture. “My army is yours to command,” he said to Kamos.

The king and queen declared a celebration throughout the land. All of the imps were invited as guests of honor. All four towns (The City of Flaughston, Manstree, Strappoltsky, and Toppingham Village) held huge parties, a grand banquet at each one, but none topped the capital’s. Decorations were everywhere, with streamers hanging from vines (provided by the imps), frilly table-runners (products of endless crocheting from the women of the kingdom), and colorful floating bubbles (conjured by Kamos, whom Jonny learned was the Good Shaman of Flaughston). But nothing topped the food. Both the townsfolk (chefs, bakers, deli workers, and housewives) and the imp women pitched in to make an enormous feast. Roast, ham, turkey, and chicken dominated the table, along with salads, fruits and vegetables of every kind, gravy, boiled and deviled eggs, cheese, cakes, pies, candy, and little bowls of peanuts, cashews, and almonds scattered around.

In the middle of the celebration, Kamos walked up to Jonny. “Follow me,” he said. “The High Council wants to meet you.” Before Jonny was able to ask what the High Council was, Kamos had gone, giving Jonny no choice but to follow him.

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They exited the kingdom through the now repaired main gate and entered the forest. “What were the things you were helping fight the goblins?” Jonny asked Kamos. “Oh, yes,” Kamos started. “I’ve forgotten how little you know. They are called heratics, and the creatures that attacked us are called shades. They both live in far away lands. The heratics were assigned to Flaughston for our protection, since we have no army. Ah, here we are.” Kamos pulled a tree branch aside and motioned for Jonny to look through the opening. “The Nòk Clearing, home of the High Council,” Kamos told him. In the center of the clearing stood an enormous tree with hundreds of vines hanging from its many boughs. The shade of the tree covered the entire area, but dark green grass grew on the forest floor. There was seldom a rock, bush bramble, or clear patch of ground anywhere. They walked up to the base of the tree. Kamos stopped about arms length from the trunk. He tapped it three times and said in a low voice, “Rolèntrò`’^el evàntrò|~crô~melösèë`l.” The side of the tree opened into a door-shaped space with stairs inside. Kamos began ascending the stairs and gestured for Jonny to follow him.

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After they had climbed what seemed to be a thousand stairs, Jonny and Kamos came into a dimly lit room. The floor was covered in a dark green moss, almost like carpet, the same color as the leaves and grass outside. The room was made from tightly entangled tree branches with several small slits for windows. The roof was made of an enormous canopy of leaves and supported by more branches. On the floor were three creatures. They had dark grey skin and wrinkled faces and hands. Their heads were bare and, even though they were sitting, Jonny guessed them to be about 4’ 10”. One wore a dark crimson robe, one a dark sapphire, and one a dark gold. They were sitting cross legged on purple cushions around a short, wooden table piled high with food. They motioned for Kamos and Jonny to sit on the two remaining cushions.

When they were seated, the creatures began to eat. Jonny and Kamos began to eat as well. When dinner was finished, the table cleared itself, and then vanished! The creatures floated into the air and over to three, high-backed chairs. First, they introduced themselves as the High Council of the clearing of Nòk and the tree of Káárèlèn. Jonny asked, “What kind of creatures are you?” They replied in their deep, yet gentle voices “We are gremlins from the distant land of Xeex, some of the last of our race.” “Why have you summoned me here?” Jonny asked, quizzically. They replied, “We have been anxious to meet you ever since Kamos mentioned you were from Earth,” “What do you mean?” “No one from Earth has come here in 300 years, and he vanquished the last Evil Shaman,” they replied in unison. They introduced themselves individually. The one in red was Kráál, the one in blue, Os’keöra^r, and the one in yellow, Hônto’la^al. Kráál seemed to be the leader and did most of the talking. “What do you want me to do?” Jonny asked them. “We need to train you in fighting and perhaps some magic,” Kráál replied. “Why?” “We want you to help us in our retaliatory campaign against the Dark Shaman,” Os’keöra^r explained. “And perhaps to destroy him,” Hônto’la^al put in. “When will the training begin?” Kamos asked. “As soon as possible! You, of all people, should know how great our need of help is,” replied Kráál, apparently disconcerted. “We need to discuss this with the court, including the king and queen of Flaughston,” Kamos said. “We can’t put Jonny’s safety in jeopardy until we are sure he is ready! We have to ask for outside help,” he finished, looking tired. “By the way,” Jonny started, remembering his other question. “Were you the ones who sent me the letter?” “What letter?” the gremlins and Kamos all asked together.

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The next day was a vociferous one, as the carouse of the night before was still going on. As Jonny had noticed when he got back the previous night, the imps had rebuilt Kamos’s house completely. After thanking them, Jonny and Kamos had gone to bed.

Today would also be exciting for Jonny. After approval from the Royal Court of Flaughston, he was to begin his training in magic. That is why, at precisely 10:00 in the morning, Jonny met Kamos in the Clëron Clearing, another open space in the Dark Forest near Flaughston. Two targets had been set up near the edge, and a table covered in bottles of strange powders and liquids in the center.

“For your training today, you will learn how to ding potion,” Kamos told Jonny. Jonny noticed a small cauldron on the table as well. After getting precise instructions from Kamos (who told Jonny that not doing so would result in a disaster) he set to work. After 20 minutes, he had concocted an acceptable mixture. He stood in a designated circle in the grass and, aiming at the target on the right, threw the potion at it. It missed and hit a tree, causing it to catch fire.

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Wed Oct 10, 2007 10:10 pm
SeraphTree wrote a review...



Okay. You need to slow down and give more details.

As soon as the winged creatures were defeated, the evil creatures ran to Kamos’s house and set it aflame. They let out a shrill shriek and a few of the frightened townspeople fainted. They made it clear that they wouldn’t stop until the entire kingdom was razed to the ground. As they moved towards the houses in the city, Kamos jumped in front of them, sending ice-sickles shooting towards them. The creatures dodged them. One conjured a fire ball and sent it flying at Kamos, knocking him out. All hope seemed lost until a cry issued from the Dark Forest. The battle-cry of the imps!

The first sentence is a little awkward. 'Winged creatures and Evil creatures' doesn't flow very well. Try giving one or the other a name.

What is the significance of Kasmos' house? Why do the people care so much?

The sentence in bold needs to be changed. If these creatures are as evil as you say, people won't faint, they'll run the freak away!!!!

As they moved towards the houses in the city, Kamos jumped in front of them, sending ice-sickles shooting towards them

You need to reword this. You could simply say 'shooting ice at them.'

The last part of the paragraph needs to be elaborated. "At that moment, when all hope was lost, a cry carried on the wind.." bla bla bla... :)

Imps came swarming in from the forest. They were huge! The shortest being about 6’ 5” and the tallest at least eight feet. They wore leather vests with armor underneath. There long, pointed ears were covered in silver mail, and a large, green leaf was emblazoned on their chests. The evil creatures were caught off guard. Seeing the imps’ superior force (there being about 500 of them) they fled, back into the Dark Forest.

Bit of an info dump here. The last part makes it a little unclear. Earlier the evil things seemed relentless, and now they're suddenly afraid. Give us more details on the size of the town, or wherever they are, and how many evil things there are. Nix the part in parentheses. It isn't needed.

“Thank you! Oh, thank you!” the townspeople cried. “We do not need thanks for our actions,” stated the lead imp. “My name is Laeldon, and I am the chief of the imps. My people have watched the Evil Shaman and your struggles with him from our hidden homes in the Dark Forest of Areà ’ble^andà r, for that is its name in our language.” Laeldon paused. “Finally,” he continued, “we have decided to do something about it.” He finished with a gesture. “My army is yours to command,” he said to Kamos.

The first two sentences aren't needed. A cheer would be better. The imp would probably cut to the chase, since he seems to be very magnanimous. I suggest you reword Laeldon's explanation. Also, with his speech, it sounds like the towns-people had some surprise help. He needs to explain himself more if this is the case.
Um, last time we heard about Kasmos, he was knocked out. When did he get back up?
Also.... you might want to call these people something other than imps. Imps are small creatures in my mind, and your people look more like elves.

There needs to be a space between this and the next paragraph, to show that you are switching scenes.

The king and queen declared a celebration throughout the land. All of the imps were invited as guests of honor. All four towns (The City of Flaughston, Manstree, Strappoltsky, and Toppingham Village) held huge parties, a grand banquet at each one, but none topped the capital’s. Decorations were everywhere, with streamers hanging from vines (provided by the imps), frilly table-runners (products of endless crocheting from the women of the kingdom), and colorful floating bubbles (conjured by Kamos, whom Jonny learned was the Good Shaman of Flaughston). But nothing topped the food. Both the townsfolk (chefs, bakers, deli workers, and housewives) and the imp women pitched in to make an enormous feast. Roast, ham, turkey, and chicken dominated the table, along with salads, fruits and vegetables of every kind, gravy, boiled and deviled eggs, cheese, cakes, pies, candy, and little bowls of peanuts, cashews, and almonds scattered around.

Nix the sentence in bold. 'Throughout the land' makes it perfectly clear. Besides... I highly doubt that there are only four towns in this entire kingdom. ^-^
Stop using parentheses. You don't need them, and it gives us uneeded information.

Who is Jonny? If he is the main character, you need to introduce him better.

Then next paragraphs are huge and need to be broken up. The Shades and Heratics can be explained in the beginning, as it seems to be from Kasmos' point of view.
***
You have a good story. I think it's a good idea, but you just need to exterminate some bugs XD XD XD XD
Happy writing!!!!!!





An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that life's going to launch you into something great, so just focus and keep aiming.
— Unknown