Okay. You need to slow down and give more details.
As soon as the winged creatures were defeated, the evil creatures ran to Kamos’s house and set it aflame. They let out a shrill shriek and a few of the frightened townspeople fainted. They made it clear that they wouldn’t stop until the entire kingdom was razed to the ground. As they moved towards the houses in the city, Kamos jumped in front of them, sending ice-sickles shooting towards them. The creatures dodged them. One conjured a fire ball and sent it flying at Kamos, knocking him out. All hope seemed lost until a cry issued from the Dark Forest. The battle-cry of the imps!
The first sentence is a little awkward. 'Winged creatures and Evil creatures' doesn't flow very well. Try giving one or the other a name.
What is the significance of Kasmos' house? Why do the people care so much?
The sentence in bold needs to be changed. If these creatures are as evil as you say, people won't faint, they'll run the freak away!!!!
As they moved towards the houses in the city, Kamos jumped in front of them, sending ice-sickles shooting towards them
You need to reword this. You could simply say 'shooting ice at them.'
The last part of the paragraph needs to be elaborated. "At that moment, when all hope was lost, a cry carried on the wind.." bla bla bla...
Imps came swarming in from the forest. They were huge! The shortest being about 6’ 5†and the tallest at least eight feet. They wore leather vests with armor underneath. There long, pointed ears were covered in silver mail, and a large, green leaf was emblazoned on their chests. The evil creatures were caught off guard. Seeing the imps’ superior force (there being about 500 of them) they fled, back into the Dark Forest.
Bit of an info dump here. The last part makes it a little unclear. Earlier the evil things seemed relentless, and now they're suddenly afraid. Give us more details on the size of the town, or wherever they are, and how many evil things there are. Nix the part in parentheses. It isn't needed.
“Thank you! Oh, thank you!†the townspeople cried. “We do not need thanks for our actions,†stated the lead imp. “My name is Laeldon, and I am the chief of the imps. My people have watched the Evil Shaman and your struggles with him from our hidden homes in the Dark Forest of Areà ’ble^andà r, for that is its name in our language.†Laeldon paused. “Finally,†he continued, “we have decided to do something about it.†He finished with a gesture. “My army is yours to command,†he said to Kamos.
The first two sentences aren't needed. A cheer would be better. The imp would probably cut to the chase, since he seems to be very magnanimous. I suggest you reword Laeldon's explanation. Also, with his speech, it sounds like the towns-people had some surprise help. He needs to explain himself more if this is the case.
Um, last time we heard about Kasmos, he was knocked out. When did he get back up?
Also.... you might want to call these people something other than imps. Imps are small creatures in my mind, and your people look more like elves.
There needs to be a space between this and the next paragraph, to show that you are switching scenes.
The king and queen declared a celebration throughout the land. All of the imps were invited as guests of honor. All four towns (The City of Flaughston, Manstree, Strappoltsky, and Toppingham Village) held huge parties, a grand banquet at each one, but none topped the capital’s. Decorations were everywhere, with streamers hanging from vines (provided by the imps), frilly table-runners (products of endless crocheting from the women of the kingdom), and colorful floating bubbles (conjured by Kamos, whom Jonny learned was the Good Shaman of Flaughston). But nothing topped the food. Both the townsfolk (chefs, bakers, deli workers, and housewives) and the imp women pitched in to make an enormous feast. Roast, ham, turkey, and chicken dominated the table, along with salads, fruits and vegetables of every kind, gravy, boiled and deviled eggs, cheese, cakes, pies, candy, and little bowls of peanuts, cashews, and almonds scattered around.
Nix the sentence in bold. 'Throughout the land' makes it perfectly clear. Besides... I highly doubt that there are only four towns in this entire kingdom. ^-^
Stop using parentheses. You don't need them, and it gives us uneeded information.
Who is Jonny? If he is the main character, you need to introduce him better.
Then next paragraphs are huge and need to be broken up. The Shades and Heratics can be explained in the beginning, as it seems to be from Kasmos' point of view.
***
You have a good story. I think it's a good idea, but you just need to exterminate some bugs XD XD XD XD
Happy writing!!!!!!
Points: 4209
Reviews: 389
Donate