Published February 16, 2011
I have recently begun composing some poems for a girl that I like xD These are IN THE MAKING, so don't expect masterpieces. Yet. 
(btw, I haven't yet named any of them, and I may choose not to.)
No. 1
From mountain heights to spectacular sights
To the shore of the twinkling sea.
All nature’s wonder scattered asunder
Cannot be compared to thee.
Your sparkling eyes would rival the skies
Were the heavens brighter and more fair.
And from your crown comes tumbling down
A waterfall of golden hair.*
The envious sun shall come undone
When taken by your pretty face.**
Birds on the wing will stop and sing
To match your voice in perfect pace.
*Orig. "A waterfall of gold, your hair."
**Orig. "When taken by your beautiful face."
This poem has some problems with rhythm, and the syllables don't quite match up for some reason. I also think I need a fourth stanza to wrap things up.
No. 2
Spring comes to the valley,
The flowers start to bloom,
Bees are buzzing happily,
And past my head they zoom.
The sun shines on the meadows,
The sky’s the deepest blue,
Despite this radiant beauty,
All pales compared to you.
This is an earlier work, and obviously in more of a rough stage than the other piece. I may decide to forget this one entirely, though I really love the final two lines: "Despite this radiant beauty,/All pales compared to you."
I appreciate friendly critiques, but please no bashing. These aren't just a few words on a paper, they're my true feelings.
P.S.- Yes, I know most of this is crappy. That's why I posted it here to get some help I really don't want to mess this up...
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these poems were soo good ! i liked the 2nd poem better
keep writin !
Okay, officially trashing No. 2
I've created a new stanza for No. 1. The rhythm is different, though:
In my hope to keep your heart,
I’ll be sincerely true.
Despite the beauty of this earth,
All pales compared to you.
Thoughts?
Love them! They sounded great although they still need some work but with time I know that they will become wonderful!!!
I like this too: "Despite this radiant beauty,/All pales compared to you." They do need some work, but good job at the rhyming. Try something a little different, a different approach at saying you like this girl.