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Young Writers Society



Flaughston:A Reign to End

by Fael57


There was nothing but rubble left of the house. He wondered how it caught fire. Then he remembered the shirt catching fire and wondered if the man had done it. After stepping under the still standing doorway, Jonny found a small trapdoor under a charred rug. He opened it up and saw was a narrow stairway going down into a cellar of some sort. He went down into the room and found it full of canned vegetables and fruits. It was musty and dirty. The only light came from torches in brackets on the open spaces of the walls. He looked around and found a recently placed wooden crate full of spices and books with the same writing as in the letter. He opened one of the jars and accidentally spilled some on the floor. It ate away the boards like a knife cutting through butter. He decided not to open any of the other jars. He looked around some more and found a shelf with human skulls on it. He picked up one of the skulls and when he did, the shelf slid to the side and revealed a gateway.

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As Jonny approached, it opened revealing a swirling blue wall. He stood amazed and then stuck his finger into the wall. He felt it touch something on the other side. He then quickly pulled it back in and ran back to his car. He drove home and went up to his room. He quickly got out the envelope. This time it was in English. It read.

"The one who reads this must immediately report to 901 Athons Street. He or she will be transported through a portal to Flaughston, where he or she will be commissioned by the High Council."

After reading it Jonny was scared to go back to the house on Athons. But after re-reading it several times he thought it was okay to go. First, he needed supplies and a lot of them. He didn't know when he would be back.

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As he walked up to the house, Jonny realized he forgot his duffel bag in the car. When he went back to get it, the robed man was sitting on the hood. Frightened, Jonny ran into the cellar and picked up the same skull as he did when he was there first. The shelf moved sideways, and quickly Jonny jumped into the blue wall. He felt like he was falling but he couldn't tell because it was so dark and soundless. Thnking he was nearing the ground Jonny braced himself. After a few seconds Jonny landed and there was light and sound again. He looked around and he was in a dark forest. When he got up something that flew knocked him flat on his back. He looked at what it was and he saw a giant raven sitting on a tree branch. It then flew down to the ground and when it landed it transformed into the hooded man.

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The hooded man snapped his fingers again and, as before, black vines covered Jonny's body. This time Jonny was lifted up by ghost looking figures. Terrified, Jonny tried screaming again, but a ghost covered his mouth and carried him to a dirty and odd looking hut. Inside it looked like the cellar on Athons except that the shelves were full of body parts and oozing liquids. The ghosts brought him over to a chair, tied him down with the black vines, and let go of him. The ghosts left, but, just as they did, Jonny heard a loud banging noise from outside. Then, a man with a white beard and robe walked through the door. When he spotted Jonny, he rushed over and cut the vines with his sword. The man replaced his sword in its sheath and took a white staff that was strapped to his back into his hand. He circled it around Jonny who immediately fell asleep. When he awoke, he was in front of a large, strange gate. There was no sign of the man.

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Jonny went up to the gate and examine the writing that was on the gate. It was the same strange writing that was on the letter the first time. He pulled the letter out of his pocket and took it out of the envelope. As he did this, the words on the gate turned to English. It read: "To open these gates you must utter the word. They will heed the word."

He thought about what it meant. Then he turned the letter over and saw one word: Santafatiam. He spoke it and the gates opened. He saw a road of cobblestones leading through a field. He walked down the road and came to the gates of a city. They opened and he walked in. There were all kinds of different creatures standing around looking at him. The white bearded man ran through the crowd towards him and then asked Jonny to follow him. He brought him to a nice looking house with a lot of windows. Inside smelled of incense and spices. The man asked Jonny his name, but Jonny knew he already knew what it was. Jonny then asked his name and he said he was called Kamos. Kamos asked him about the man that Jonny was captured by, and Jonny told him that he had black scraggly hair. Kamos said he was the Evil Shaman. He told Jonny that his father was a styrix and his mother was human and the same went for the Evil Shaman. He also told Jonny that he was in the city of Flaughston in the Kingdom of Flaughston and that everyone here was not fully human.

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13 Reviews


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Reviews: 13

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Sun Oct 14, 2007 3:23 am
Blithley Nosh wrote a review...



Personally, I found the story to be to abrupt, moving from one topic to another too quickly and with too little detail. Also, there seems to be a serious lack of dialog, and very little character development. It does seem like you're rushing the story, which is bad in any story, but especially for magical stories (to me, at least). Try to show us who Jonny is. What does he know about magic? Is he frightened, intrigued, or does he already posses magical powers that we don't know about?




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Fri Oct 12, 2007 2:02 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Okay, now for some general suggestions for your plot. A lot of this seems unoriginal but then, it's hard to be original these days so try to put an original twist to old ideas. For example, the idea of going to other dimensions through portals is very cliche so perhaps Jonny finds a different way to this other dimension. Maybe he walks through an ordinary door and finds himself there or turning a dial on a machine or perhaps he finds an object that sucks him into the other dimension. Yes, these ideas have also been used before but not to such a huge extent as portals.

Then there's the mystery saviour who rescues him and then disapears. The white beard and and robed appearance could be changed to make him sound less like your average wizard and don't have him disapear with no reason. Why not have him tell Jonny to follow him but then Jonny can't run fast enough to keep up or something?

I hope that helps a little and here's a few small corrections -

After stepping under the still standing doorway, Jonny found a small trapdoor under a charred rug. He opened it up and saw was a narrow stairway going down into a cellar of some sort. [Why are there no police guarding what is potentially now a dangerous site and why a cellar? That's too common. Perhaps there's a small, greenhouse or something.]

As he walked up to the house, Jonny realized he had [s]forgot[/s] left his duffel bag in the car.

Thinking he was nearing the ground Jonny braced himself.

This time Jonny was lifted up by ghostly [s]looking[/s] figures.

The ghosts left, but, just as they did, Jonny heard a loud banging [s]noise[/s] from outside.

Jonny went up to the gate and examined the elaborate words [s]writing that was on the gate[/s] enscribed there.




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161 Reviews


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Wed Aug 01, 2007 9:15 am
Fan wrote a review...



Use more spacing so that your piece is easier to read as most people don't bother critiwuing pieces that they find difficult to read. There seems to be very little character developement here, it's all action "he did this and she did that".

My advice: Go over your characters and give the more developement, and work a bit more on your plot to give it your own unique thing to it. (portals are very cliche) Flesh out your story, give it organs, make it live.




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Wed Aug 01, 2007 7:21 am
Squall wrote a review...



Hi there, I noticed you didn't receive any critques yet and so I thought I should help.

He opened it up and saw was a narrow stairway going down into a cellar of some sort. He went down into the room and found it full of canned vegetables and fruits. It was musty and dirty. The only light came from torches in brackets on the open spaces of the walls. He looked around and found a recently placed wooden crate full of spices and books with the same writing as in the letter. He opened one of the jars and accidentally spilled some on the floor. It ate away the boards like a knife cutting through butter. He decided not to open any of the other jars. He looked around some more and found a shelf with human skulls on it. He picked up one of the skulls and when he did, the shelf slid to the side and revealed a gateway.


Vary your sentence structure. Starting it with "he" all the time is quite stale.

I can't be bothered doing any more line to line critques for this. Your pacing is too fast and you tell information rather than showing us which bored me.

Oh, and they found a hidden portal and went into another world. God that's cliche.

I won't say anymore. You gave us the bones of your story. Where the hell is the flesh?





Don't aim at success--the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one's dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself.
— Viktor E. Frankl