Published August 2, 2011
Kerewyn stood dead still, staring at the hand only inches away from her body. For a moment, time seemed to stop, allowing her a little longer with the man before her.
“Why?” he rasped, his voice like sand paper. Kerewyn dropped her eyes, unable to stand looking at him any longer.
“Why couldn’t I have seen…” They were the same words going through her mind, a hurricane of confusion and sorrow that seemed to shake her entire body. She looked back up again, only to realize that over half his body was already gone. His eyes met hers, and she could finally see what he had kept hidden: locked away for so long that even he had forgotten it was there.
“Seen you before now?” Sorrow. That was what had driven his desire to kill. And now he too would be consumed by its dark flame. The tears began to flow freely now, but Kerewyn didn’t have the strength to wipe them away. Not now. Not when even the smallest movement could break the momentary peace they teetered so dangerously away from. Just one more moment. She needed to love him just a moment longer.
“So close,” He whispered, his hand reaching towards her.
“So close…”Kerewyn extended her hand, reaching for what remained of his. What remained of his ashen hair and golden eyes. Those Strange, frightening eyes that had haunted her dreams for so long.
“…and still I let you slip away.” Just before they’re hands met his body crumbled away, like sand in the wind. It shimmered, like star dust, swirling in the air just out of reach. And then a soft breeze whispered across Kerewyn’s cheek, and what remained of the man she loved was swept away into the icy cold night.
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138,253 Literary Works • 672,090 Reviews
To all of you who like my writing but think i am lacking in plot: you are quite right. Therefore, you should read my novel, Demon of the sea, and see how my writing is WITH a plot. i'm looking forward to hearing your reviews!
It was good- even great, but you were missing some important stuff. I wasn't sure what was actually going on. Maybe start off with a setting somewhere, and introduce the scenario. I think for me that was the biggest problem, I wasn't sure why he was dissolving or what they were talking about. other than that lovely little point, sugah, ya did fine. Just work on the flow because some parts of it seemed kinda rushed and other were fluid. I hope this helps, and I hope you continue to write, because I did like it.
Hiya,
Awesome writing, great beginning!! But, like was mentioned, it was a little bit confusing cause' I didn't know what was going on..otherwise great writing 
Keep it up!
I liked this, it was very beautiful
Thank you both so much for your replies. This was only a short thought i wrote after a seen in a movie. im very glad for both your comments and will take them to heart. thank you!
Hello and welcome to YWS!
)
I'll get right to it, I suppose.
This being a short piece, every word has to count and drive the story forward. There is no wasting words in something like this. That being said, a few things about this story were a bit confusing. A lot of the time, it works to the writer's advantage to leave out some information to keep the readers guessing until it's revealed. However, it seems that some crucial bits have been left out.
For example: You refer to the fact that this mysterious "he" is driven to murder because of his sorrow. Going back to what I said before, you must consider whether or not this piece of information contributes to the plot. I think your aim was to use this to develop this character, but with a lack of background, it's not working as well as it can. Also, I definitely think he needs a name. Since there are only two characters, both of them are vital to the story. (I really do like the name Kerewyn though
Another thing that I didn't quite understand was the fact that his body was falling apart. That needs a bit more explanation.
A couple problems with wording that I found:
A bit redundant, in my opinion. If you were to take out one of those, I would suggest replacing "rasped" with "said," since descriptive words in dialogue are often distracting to readers.
The way this was worded seems as if this was being thought, as opposed to dialogue. Perhaps you could say "she said," or even "she began, since this line continues later on. Another option would be to describe her getting choked with emotion mid sentence or something like that.
You have a repetition of the "seemed." Using "seem" pretty much anywhere tends to detract from what is going on, although your use of it in the first paragraph was appropriate. Also, you have a repetition of the word "body," which you use later on in the paragraph.
If this is part of the dialogue from before, then the "seen" should be lowercase. Also, you could put a ... in front of it to show its continuation.
To recap: A little more development of character in the guy and the guy's past, and a few wordings to clear up. Don't feel like you need to do anything I say. This is just my opinion. But please do consider my suggestions.
Aside from what I said, this is very well written. Message me with any questions. I hope to see more from you!
~Devan
Okay, this is very, very wonderful, but there's so much missing from it, it's hard to appreciate...I felt lost, reading it, because I didn't know who was speaking when, or why he was dissolving. Maybe that's just me, because I'm almost always confused, but it just felt for me like you could have put more into this. I'm not saying it wasn't enjoyable (it was wonderful!) and I'm not saying you're a bad writer (you're amazing! This story makes me want to read more from you!), but maybe, in the future, you could work towards being sure that there's enough of a back-story (especially in such a short story) that the reader can understand. However, this is a beautiful love story. Don't stop writing!