Dear,
Please look around
And tell me what you see
It's not some perfect utopia
It's a messy place
And you sit here
And criticize me
For what my life
Has materialized into
You say I'm rude
You whisper behind my back
You think I'm mean
All because my heart
Has been torn
Into shreds
Smashed into shards
Wait until
You loose your perfect edge
Your rose colored shield
Your glasses shaped like hearts
And feel
The pain that comes
From the love you give
And the love you lost
Look around dear,
And please tell me
Tell me why
Why is it
That every time
I meet someone
I swear they're lightning in a bottle
A perfect storm for me
To breath in
And live
And become something new
Why do I chase the storm
Follow the light
Find that perfect bottle of lightning
Only to get close
And see
That
You
Are
Just
A
Jar
Of fireflies.
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140,115 Literary Works • 673,019 Reviews
Wow. This was really powerful. The metaphors and imagery, even the format contributed strongly to the poem's mood! My one problem is the title. I don't quite understand what a cat has to do with what goes on in the poem. Could be that I'm just a goofball that doesn't look hard enough, and if I am then I apologize. Very well done!!
Thank you! The name is actually a nod to the name of an old friend of mine. It's not something anyone would necessarily understand from the piece. Thank you again for taking the time to read!
Hey there Fabis101,
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review
Line-by-Line/Nit-Picks
Spoiler
Overview
For the main part, this was an okay poem. There are however quite a few places where I think you should improve, let's look at them.
1.) Punctuation. You basically lacked this throughout the entire poem. In fact this pretty much read like one continuous sentence, which is grammatically incorrect. I put in where I feel you should have punctuation, but that's all up to you.
2.) Capitalization. Punctuation helps with this. You should capitalize every single line, it can be jarring and off putting to the reader. You should only capitalize a line if it's the beginning of a new sentence.
3.) Just like capitalizing every single line, writing this into one continuous stanza can also become off putting. I also placed notes where I feel would be a great stanza break.
Other then that, that's all I got. If you have questions feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing.
Thank you for your time. I believe some of my problems are based on my computer's formatting. I will have to loook at that again. Your tips are helpful, thanks!
Hi there! Here to review your piece.
First of all, I'd like to start out by saying that I enjoyed reading this. It's relatable but you also throw in some original lines I admire. I do feel that there are some tweaks that can be made to make this poem really pop though.
I think in some areas, you can spice up the word choice a bit. Nothing too crazy, but I think you can change it up and make the syntax slightly different to make the rhythm flow better. I see what you're doing with the choppy stanzas, and it works in some parts and not as well in others.
For example, let's take a look at the first handful of lines:
"Please look around
And tell me what you see
It's not some perfect utopia
It's a messy place
And you sit here
And criticize me
For what my life
Has materialized into"
I might change the third and fifth line it to something like (I've placed the lines in parenthesis):
"Please look around
And tell me what you see
(It's not a pristine utopia)
It's a messy place
And you sit here
And criticize me
for what my life
(has now become)"
You see how the more concise word choice can make this section flow a little better? Simply cleaning up the lines a bit can make a big difference.
Now, let's discuss structure a bit. This was published as one big clump of lines, and I don't know if that was an error in formatting or your intentions. Personally, I think this poem would benefit from being broken up into stanzas. It will make the shorter lines more powerful and create a better rhythm.
I really loved the last set of lines, talking about a perfect bottle of lightning and realizing too late that it's just a jar of lost and wandering fireflies. I might emphasize the mood of that with a bit more descriptive language, because it's such a beautiful and tragic concept and it'd be a shame not to showcase it! What a powerful ending.
I think you have a great base structure here, but it just needs a little bit of fine tuning. I really enjoyed this poem! Good job!
Feel free to shoot me over any questions you have about my review!
Happy writing,
Kali L.
Thank you. I kinda wrote this in a fury but I will keep those tips in mind. Have a nice day!