Young Writers Society

This was good. I like how you describe how ugly and horrifying the world is than completely turn it around. Rhyme and Rhythm are a bit off here, but not by much. I would suggest working on that. Other than that it was good.

Concerning the first stanza, I guess it depends on what style of writing appeals to you. I personally am a very much a literal person so the first stanza was actually pleasing and caught my attention. And I love the build up in the piece. I definitely didn't know what to except for the ending, but it certainly was even greater than I was hoping.

Definitely liven up the first stanza to capture your audience, because it doesn't do justice to the rest of the poem. I like the twists, and the word choice. I thought the flow was probably a bit jilted in parts - you don't have one rhythm, especially the 3rd and 4th stanzas seem to sit on their own in terms of flow, maybe make them read more fluently.
I also thought the 2nd stanza, particularly the last two lines, felt a bit contrived.
But yeah overall great imagery and atmosphere created, well done.

To be honest, the first stanza is very boring. I think you need something more eye-catching, to get the reader interested.

But then it gets better.....and better. The last stanza is great. It took a nice, surprising turn.