Published April 26, 2007
Rows of shattered
car windows
on either side of the street;
triggered by
ascending drug use.
As we walked through
the courtyard,
broken glass littered
the cobblestones,
crunching under our shoes.
Women with vacant eyes
and trackmarks
running up their arms
mutter gibberish
under their breath.
Men in dirty clothes
fill themselves
with poison, pushing
carts full of junk
to trade for their next fix.
The surrounding world
was an ugly one,
but we needed no beauty
other than the light
within each other's eyes.
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141,293 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
This was good. I like how you describe how ugly and horrifying the world is than completely turn it around. Rhyme and Rhythm are a bit off here, but not by much. I would suggest working on that. Other than that it was good.
Concerning the first stanza, I guess it depends on what style of writing appeals to you. I personally am a very much a literal person so the first stanza was actually pleasing and caught my attention. And I love the build up in the piece. I definitely didn't know what to except for the ending, but it certainly was even greater than I was hoping.
Definitely liven up the first stanza to capture your audience, because it doesn't do justice to the rest of the poem. I like the twists, and the word choice. I thought the flow was probably a bit jilted in parts - you don't have one rhythm, especially the 3rd and 4th stanzas seem to sit on their own in terms of flow, maybe make them read more fluently.
I also thought the 2nd stanza, particularly the last two lines, felt a bit contrived.
But yeah overall great imagery and atmosphere created, well done.
To be honest, the first stanza is very boring. I think you need something more eye-catching, to get the reader interested.
But then it gets better.....and better. The last stanza is great. It took a nice, surprising turn.