Are you still leaning against concrete walls,
smoking your cigarettes?
Watching the drunken lads stumble and fall?
Come out of the rain, I confess,
Come to me, stay a while.
Don't waste away, life's not going out of style.
A fool I was for taking you in.
What do you know?
Two fools in love, a bottle of gin.
Tell me, you don't think so?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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I disagree that style isn't fitting. I think it fits quite well. The notion that life could be nothing more than a fad is an interesting and amusing one.
The poem certainly contains a sense of regretful misery which carries it.
In reply to Mad's thoughts:
"Tell me you don't think so?" I thought of this line for a bit after your suggestions, and a comma would make it correct in a punctional sense.
This piece was written at four in morning, and haven't revised it since. Thanks Mad for all your input and suggestions.
Now in response to Claudette's words.
What you say is encouraging, I've never had proper feedback with my work for quite some time, so thank you.
[I liked how each line flowed into the next.] If I leave that the way it is, do you think there is still room to fix up other things?
Thank you both.
It was ok. I can't really find the point it though.
Some lines need to be looked at, commas and general punctuation should be taken into consideration. It kind of all flows together in spots.
One that Mad didn't point out: "A fool I was taking you in."
I liked it as it started, and then the ending seemed to flatten out and not be as well as I had hoped. It's good though. The language you use is flowy, but bare. I think it would help if you fixed the missing commas and such.
I think I liked the descriptions you wrote, more than the spoken parts (or, assumed to be spoken). I liked how each line flowed into the next. Wasn't too bad, but could be made better.
I think you need to find a different way of phrasing this line, "style" sticks out and doesn't feel like it fits in with what you were saying.
Ummm theres something about this line. I think it should either be "Tell me, you don't think so?" or "Tell me, you don't think so?". I don't know it seems a bit strange, not sure why though.
Overall it's a good poem with potential, I think that if you want to use a rhyming pattern you should stick to a regular one, probably not couplet I doubt they would be suited to your subject.
I like the first three lines, they draw me in and the ending is pretty good as well, nice piece.