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Young Writers Society



Bad Candy

by Fabien


I observe and don't partake, but do I know the people who do.
They could be kids from school, the kids that sit next to you.
Go down to the beach and these pills are distributed like candy.
Multi-colored candy that, for some, comes in handy.
It's amazing what you can get for only a fiver,
But who is this fellow chasing you with a screwdriver?
Don't go look for it, don't buy it.
Don't get hooked, don't try it.
There're are so many better natural thrills in our lifetimes.
Leave the capsules alone, don't get into those petty crimes.
It eats into the youth of today,
Does its damage; a heavy price to pay.
Too many go down that dim, dark street,
Ending with no home to go back to, and no food to eat.
Keep with the good life, it's not that hard to sustain.
Or the fullness disappears, and only the hollowness remains.
If the bad life was there from the beginning, that's a different story.
Come to realize where you stand, if you don't then you'll be sorry.
---
Note: This is an old poem, I'm not especially proud of it. I don't like how the line lengths don't match, with a little work I think I might be able to shape this up.

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91 Reviews

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Reviews: 91

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Sat May 26, 2007 2:42 pm
something euclidean wrote a review...



Agreed -- the best way to get a moral through (at least, in writing) is to use a story to make a point. Turning this into something like a fable - a day in the life of one of these kids - will make this more interesting [more imagery, a character/speaker to get attached to, things happening to them] and less obvious.

As for the line lengths... if you're going to be rewriting this, write a few lines and see how long they end up being, and then try and keep the rest of the poem within a syllable or two of that length [the lines will probably match up on the page] -- and then, if you're going for a more regulated/formal rhythm, you can play with the wording.




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3821 Reviews

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Sat May 26, 2007 3:17 am
Snoink wrote a review...



Heheh, I see what you mean. ;)

The main thing about this is it looks like a morality poem, complete with a message and unafraid of screwing the message into the readers. The last words say it all, "if you don't then you'll be sorry."

You back up with reasons why, but it's so obvious that the poem can't be chewed on (and I love chewing on poems!) Instead, try putting your image more subtlely and let us figure out what your message by horrifying us with simple images.

Good luck!





It always seems impossible until it's done.
— Nelson Mandela