Published March 1, 2006
There is a treasure,
Such as no other.
With something inside
That cannot be measured...
Emralds of Chance,
Garnets of honesty.
Diamonds and Rubies,
And pearls and Amethysts.
Gold of great value,
Saphires of favor.
Silver and copper,
And Peridot and opal.
Delicate, priceless porcelain dolls,
Are the guards that protect the treasure chest.
If they are broken,
They are not that easily fixed.
The map for this treasure cannot be found,
It must be gained.
You must earn the key,
The key to the treasure chest.
Coveted by many,
Recieved by few.
I have chosen to give this treasure to you...
I give you my trust.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,399 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
First two stanzas are simply fantastic, great imagery. Your language is quite picturesque!
thats given me an idea of a alright poem idea thanks for that but thats a brilliant poem
ok, I'll keep that in mind. Thanks for the constructive critisism
I agree with bubblewrapped. It is a very good poem though!
Good job
To be perfectly honest, I have mixed feelings about this poem.
I loved the first two stanzas; the link between the jewels and honesty, chance, etc. was cleverly done and certainly beautiful imagery - although it would have worked better without the random capitals, as innerbeauty said.
What I think lets the poem down though is the fact that in the last three stanzas it reads to me like the rhythm and wording is suddenly constrained, as though you're forcing your mind to follow the story you want. Moreover, the link between these stanzas and the jewels of the previous verses is merely the repetition of "treasure", which again adds to the feeling of being forced and unoriginal. The verses kind of jump from one idea to the next, without any logical flow.
If you ask me, it might be better if you changed the ending. Instead of pointing out the moral of the poem to the reader, and limiting your creativity to the most obvious and well-used path, perhaps you could show how the trust is given/gained instead. This would require more of that gorgeous poetic imagery I know you're capable of, plus is would provide a freshness to the age-old concept of trust as a gift. Let your imagination wander - instead of dolls, maybe dragons are guarding the treasure, and our 'hero' ("you") must slay the dragon of Mistrust before gaining the riches beyond. Poetry is particularly awesome in that it gives you the opportunity to go past the obvious and into the subtle. Granted, dragons always guard treasure (or fair maidens) in fairytales; but that was only an example. I'm sure you can think of something far more unique.
Anyway, that's my two cents. I hope I've given you a few things to think about. Keep writing!
Cheers,
~bubblez
Excellent use of metaphor and imagery. I really like it. It really describes the idea of giving someone your trust well. You don't need the random capitals in the middle of the line in the second stanza, though. Great job as a whole, though. Keep it up!
-*-*--Diana--*-*-