Young Writers Society

First two stanzas are simply fantastic, great imagery. Your language is quite picturesque!

thats given me an idea of a alright poem idea thanks for that but thats a brilliant poem

ok, I'll keep that in mind. Thanks for the constructive critisism

I agree with bubblewrapped. It is a very good poem though! Good job

To be perfectly honest, I have mixed feelings about this poem.

I loved the first two stanzas; the link between the jewels and honesty, chance, etc. was cleverly done and certainly beautiful imagery - although it would have worked better without the random capitals, as innerbeauty said.

What I think lets the poem down though is the fact that in the last three stanzas it reads to me like the rhythm and wording is suddenly constrained, as though you're forcing your mind to follow the story you want. Moreover, the link between these stanzas and the jewels of the previous verses is merely the repetition of "treasure", which again adds to the feeling of being forced and unoriginal. The verses kind of jump from one idea to the next, without any logical flow.

If you ask me, it might be better if you changed the ending. Instead of pointing out the moral of the poem to the reader, and limiting your creativity to the most obvious and well-used path, perhaps you could show how the trust is given/gained instead. This would require more of that gorgeous poetic imagery I know you're capable of, plus is would provide a freshness to the age-old concept of trust as a gift. Let your imagination wander - instead of dolls, maybe dragons are guarding the treasure, and our 'hero' ("you") must slay the dragon of Mistrust before gaining the riches beyond. Poetry is particularly awesome in that it gives you the opportunity to go past the obvious and into the subtle. Granted, dragons always guard treasure (or fair maidens) in fairytales; but that was only an example. I'm sure you can think of something far more unique.

Anyway, that's my two cents. I hope I've given you a few things to think about. Keep writing!
Cheers,
~bubblez

Excellent use of metaphor and imagery. I really like it. It really describes the idea of giving someone your trust well. You don't need the random capitals in the middle of the line in the second stanza, though. Great job as a whole, though. Keep it up!

-*-*--Diana--*-*-