I've been working on this book for about almost three years and this is the seventh time I've restarted. Hope you like it!
Hello there, FUZZHEAD!
So, I read it! It is a decent start. Before I tell you my concerns and impressions, I'm going to give you a friendly reminder to insert an extra line between each paragraph (including dialogue). Without the extra line, it's hard to read and that seems to discourage readers.
The one thing in this piece that irked me was: Telling! When you did show, it was good, but your telling really hindered this piece.
Now, you have probably heard the phrase "show, don't tell" before. "Show, don't tell" means that showing the reader things about your character and such through body language and description is better than telling them all about your character. Why is this?
Well, as he or she reads, a reader forms their own impression of a character. They get to know the character and once they can relate to that character, they become emotionally invested in the story, thus wanting to know more. The problems with telling is that it robs the reader of this creative process and thus creates flat, untinteresting characters as the author provides little insights in to the character through actions. This disinterests the reader and causes them to honestly not care what happens in the story. Characters are the foundation of a story - and if they are not engaging, your story goes into a downward spiral from there.
The othe reason telling is bad is because you give away so much. You tell the reader all sorts of details about your character and the setting that you cheat yourself out of intriguing the reader through mystery. If I know everything about your flat character, I won't be intrigued them because there is nothing else to learn, and they are not emotionally engaging as mentioned above. It is better for you to sprinkle details throughout a story and keep the reader reading than to dump it all at the beginning. Also, these kind of detail dumps bore the reader and drag out the story.
Now, to apply this to your story. Let's look at your beginning...
One could say Vivian Kelly Kennedy of London, England was a completely normal girl. Others could say she is the most unusual person to ever walk the planet. But Vivian Kennedy was not normal, she was not unusual, she was just different. Her bright, short, strawberry blonde hair stuck out among the normal seventh graders of her school with dark brown hair. She was not in the best physical condition, as she was a tad bit over the average weight of a thirteen-year-old, but not morbidly obese. She was relatively short for her age, which made her the brunt of some cruel jokes among Patty Underwood, the school kiss-up.
Vivian’s best friend was a fourteen-year-old named Emile Roberts, an eighth grader at Godwinson Academy. Aside from Vivian’s grandfather, Obixen “Gramps” McNeil, Emile was the only person that really understood her.
Telling! Ah! You have just told us exactly what Vivian looks like, that she is different from the other kids at school, that she is not very active, that she is being bullied at school, all about her best friend and that only Emile understands her. And you have done little to no showing of this. You have just told me all about Vivian, but still I feel absolutely no emotional attachment to her. She is flat; all I know about her is the handfull of words you have given me.
How can you fix this? First, cut down on the telling. Then, start showing us these things. Show us how lonesome she is; perhaps have her lament about being different. You show us later on that Emile understands her- that is not necessary here. Show us she is not active; perhaps have her look outside and feel no urge to go play with other kids. These things will give a much more intuitive and emotionally engaging impression of your character.
And, on a side note, telling a character's complete appearance upon first meeting isn't very good. Give the reader an impression of the character and then indirectly tell us what she looks like later on.
Gramps is the father of Vivian’s mother, Ruxein Kennedy, the widow of Jonathan Kennedy. According to Gramps, Vivian was two days old when Jonathan died. It appeared that Ruxein didn’t love Jonathan very much because there were no pictures of him around the Kennedy house. Either that, or she didn’t want to feel the agonizing pain of looking at your dead lover. Either way, Vivian never knew what her dead father looked like.
This is some extremely important detail, but, as I have only been told about Vivian thus far, I really don't care about Vivian's hardships. Also, this information might be more powerful if mentioned later in the story. If the reader is left wondering where Vivian's father is, it intrigues much more. Tell us this later when we have a better grasp on the story.
There were many other paragraphs where this problem was present, but I think you see what I mean by telling now. The tellings tapers off after Vivian goes to her room and then gets much better, so good job there, work on your telling near the beginning. Remember, this is your first impression on the reader. If you intrigue them now, they will forgive you a few slip-ups later on in the story, but if you don't intrigue them at the beginning, they won't want to continue reading.
Despite my criticism this was a good start and I definitely want to see more of this story, so keep writing. You have a lot of potential; working on your telling will tighten this up quite a bit. I hope this was helpful to you and please PM me if you have any questions or need anything. Have a good day!
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