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The Hate Flu

by FCD


Fleet Street was lit up like a Christmas tree. Simon Hackel stood on the 3rd-floor balcony of the KonXio headquarters and stared down at the bustling thoroughfare that lay before him.

Fleet Street was the most celebrated shopping street in NewWashington area and it wen almost permanently swamped with all sorts of wild and wonderful people. Hackel glanced up at the Flyway and the hundreds of mopeds that zoomed through the city. He could hear the faint echo of their engines whirring high in the sky above him. However, the sound of the mopeds was dominated by the orchestra of Fleet Streets regular shoppers.

First, there were the gangs of students from the local academies who seemed to spend more time at the local bars than attending classes.

Then, there were the businesspeople like Hackel who spent every waking hour within the crowded streets of Zone 11, all competing to outspend each other on political campaigns and to construct the latest new technology. And one could not forget the beggers and buskers( In Hackels, eyes there was no distinction between the two) who seemed to delight in assaulting peoples ears with their bland music.

But loudest of all was the protesters.

Hackel felt his face contract with anger. Just thinking about them set him on edge. Every day, more and more seemed to flock to the steps leading up to KonXios headquarters, and with the demonstrations came the press.

Hackel had still not spoken to them and it was beginning to come off as strange. Soon they would be saying that he had something to hide.

They'd be right about that.

He turned to his desk behind him and placed his hand on its smooth, curved, surface. He felt the energy from the machine flow through his body.

He began to carefully assemble a sentence in his mind. The machine proposed different ways of phrasing what he was trying to say. Several minutes later he removed his hand from the desk, now armed with the most dangerous weapon man had ever taken advantage of. Words.

He smiled to himself. He could almost see the headlines. Within the next

3 hours he would convince those protesters outside that KonXio was on there side. Within the next 3 days, he would convince the world that KonXio was on their side.

Then he could get back to work.


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Sat Oct 13, 2018 10:58 am
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Firestarter wrote a review...



Fleet Street was lit up like a Christmas tree. Simon Hackel stood on the 3rd-floor balcony of the KonXio headquarters and stared down at the bustling thoroughfare that lay before him.


“Lit up like a Christmas tree” is a common, overused simile. I think you can come up with better words, more original, to describe a bright road. I’d avoid ordinals where you can, as they stick out like a sore thumb: stick to third floor.

“Stared down at the bustling thoroughfare that lay before him”: that lay before him is passive. It’s not a good end to the sentence. It's passive. Stick to something simpler like "below him". Lay is a bad verb and I try and kill it everywhere I see it.

Fleet Street was the most celebrated shopping street in NewWashington area and it wen almost permanently swamped with all sorts of wild and wonderful people.


Are shopping streets really celebrated? Popular, perhaps, renowned, maybe, famous, yes, but celebrated? It’s odd for a place name to squeeze two names together like that for a place, with a capital jutting out in the middle of the word. Think of New York, from York, or New Amsterdam, from Amsterdam. So New Washington is more likely. NewWashington really threw me out of the story and made me think you were trying to make it sound more futuristic. I think it would be worth your time researching the development of place names, to try and find something that would sound like it had naturally evolved. “Almost permanently swamped”: Almost permanently is not only an adverb you don’t need, but a qualified adverb. Things are either permanent or not. Swamped is a great verb, and you’ve ruined it by qualifying it. Stick to swamped: “it was swamped with all sorts of wild and wonderful people”. I’m assuming we are seeing this from Simon’s perspective and therefore is the important thing that it is currently swamped, or is it important for us to know it is permanently swamped? I think the former is more important - as I presume we were jumping into Simon’s head as he gazed downwards - so stick to just swamped.

The end of the sentence: “with all sorts of wild and wonderful people”. All sorts is the bad bit here. What about “with the wild and the wonderful”. More alliterative.

So my edit all round would be something like “Fleet Street, New Washington’s most renowned shopping street, was swamped with the wild and the wonderful.” Hopefully you can see how that is punchier and less passive.



Hackel glanced up at the Flyway and the hundreds of mopeds that zoomed through the city. He could hear the faint echo of their engines whirring high in the sky above him. However, the sound of the mopeds was dominated by the orchestra of Fleet Streets regular shoppers.
First, there were the gangs of students from the local academies who seemed to spend more time at the local bars than attending classes.


Is Hackel looking at two things here, or do the hundreds of mopeds the FlyWay? Or is the FlyWay an air highway which mopeds zoom down? The sentence does not make this clear. I presume that you mean it’s a sort of Back to the Future / Coruscant / Blade Runner esque air highway, but what you’ve actually said is Hackel looks at a FlyWay and mopeds, separating them with an and. Also, mopeds? Mopeds don’t fly. So I’m confused. Are these flying mopeds? Or are they mopeds up on a FlyWay which is just like a high up motorway? I hope from these questions you understand that I just don’t know what’s going on here, so your description needs to be improved.

Okay, so he looked up and heard their engines, and now we’re back to the street? Why did we start with Hackel looking down, if we’re just heading down again? Confusing. Suggestion: kick off the narrative by him gazing out at the FlyWay and then moving down to the street, presumably as the loud noise draws him in.
“However” is a bit too essay-y, and I’m not sure why those sentences are splits - how about “The faint echo of their engines was drowned by the orchestra of the street’s shoppers down below”?

Then, there were the businesspeople like Hackel who spent every waking hour within the crowded streets of Zone 11, all competing to outspend each other on political campaigns and to construct the latest new technology. And one could not forget the beggers and buskers( In Hackels, eyes there was no distinction between the two) who seemed to delight in assaulting peoples ears with their bland music.
But loudest of all was the protesters.


Business people is two words. Also, a boring two words. You can do better than “business people”. It’s just general. Writing is good when it is specific. This is vague, hand wavey, dull.

Okay, now we’re getting interesting. Zone 11. Political campaigns. New tech.

But then it’s ruined by quite a strange parenthetic clause. Don’t hide your character’s thoughts inside brackets like this. Put them front and centre. It’s what should drive your story. It’s interesting that Hackel sees no difference between beggars and buskers. I’ve learnt something about him that I didn’t know before, but it’s hidden.

I really like the line “But loudest of all was the protesters”. It’s punchy, and dramatic.

Hackel felt his face contract with anger. Just thinking about them set him on edge. Every day, more and more seemed to flock to the steps leading up to KonXios headquarters, and with the demonstrations came the press.
Hackel had still not spoken to them and it was beginning to come off as strange. Soon they would be saying that he had something to hide.
They'd be right about that.
He turned to his desk behind him and placed his hand on its smooth, curved, surface. He felt the energy from the machine flow through his body.
He began to carefully assemble a sentence in his mind. The machine proposed different ways of phrasing what he was trying to say. Several minutes later he removed his hand from the desk, now armed with the most dangerous weapon man had ever taken advantage of. Words.
He smiled to himself. He could almost see the headlines. Within the next
3 hours he would convince those protesters outside that KonXio was on there side. Within the next 3 days, he would convince the world that KonXio was on their side.
Then he could get back to work.


Okay, we’re getting interesting now. Some plot, some conflict. Hackel dislikes the protesters who are on the steps of his business, and are clogging up the streets and causing the media to pay them attention.
“Not spoken to them”: be specific! I think you mean the media, but you could also mean the protestors. The previous sentence had two collective groups so the them could be either. “It was beginning to come off as strange”: to who? To Hackel? Are we in his thoughts now, or not? Be specific about who found this strange.

Okay, so the final bit I can see you are trying to build tension by not giving us the words Hackel has formed to give to the media. But my problem here is you set up a scene - Hackel staring down at the protesters, irritated. And I really want to know how he reacts. But we don’t get to see any of it. So I was a little frustrated at the end! But it does want me to read the next bit, so you’re winning on that front...

But, I still don’t know some key things that I would expect to be revealed early on. First, why are they protesting? Second, what does KonXio do? (And be more specific than: business stuff, new tech stuff). What does Simon Hackel do for KonXio?
Mystery is good, but currently this opening is a bit too general. Bring some specificity to your world, to your character, and it will make you readers understand more the conflict going on.

Otherwise, this is a promising opening and I’d like to read more! Most of all, KEEP WRITING. If this is a first draft, ignore my review, and get the whole thing finished.




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Sat Oct 13, 2018 10:49 am
Firestarter says...



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Tue Oct 09, 2018 8:10 am
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hi Shikora here with a review.

What I like

Wow this story was really good. I can see the plot coming into play here. I like it that you explained where the main character lives and what it's like there. I can say I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

Over all comments

I can say I wouldn't like to no what Hackel looks like, but I'm sure I'll find out soon. I hope in the chapters soon to come I'll find out more about the house he lives in. I hope I'll find out more about the plot soon to. Just with that you musn't rush it thought, but you can go to slowly ether. And I hope to find out what Hackel's working on too.

Mistakes

Now I'm not sure if I'm right about this but i thought I should mention it.

Fleet Street was the most celebrated shopping street in NewWashington area and it wen almost permanently swamped with all sorts of wild and wonderful people.

I'm not sure if you meant to say that but I though tit would be a lot better if you changed it into a was. But that is up to you.

So that's all from me. If you don't mind could you tag me next time you post? Never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
Shikora. :D




FCD says...


Yup meant to say was. Thanks for the review
By the way I have posted part 2 of chapter 1, check it out if you'd like





Your welcome! I'll check it out very soon.




Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
— Mark Twain