The Shadowy figure dashed with lightning speed straight at her, she screamed and was thrown back with such a force that she hit he head hard against the corner of the bed.
That isn't a proper sentence structure; it should be: The shadowy figure dashed with lightning speed straight at her, and she screamed and was thrown back with sure force that she hit her head hard against the other corner of the bed.
Still, that's a very long sentence. Maybe you should do this instead: The shadowy figure dashed with lightning speed straight at her. She screamed....(etc)
Her limp body was still, the dark figure advanced. White fangs glowed in the darkness, covered in bloodstains. “ello sis.”
This is also grammatically incorrect - it should be something like this instead: Her limp body was still, and the dark figure advanced. White fangs glowed in the darkness, covered in bloodstains.
"Ello sis."
Also for this part, maybe describe the monster's voice? You said earlier that you wanted more characterization, so maybe that would help a bit.
You may have noticed that I underlined the first part of the first sentence. That is because you said she was limp and still, which isn't strictly necessary. They both mean the same thing - you might as well have said 'her limp body was limp' or 'her still body was still'.
You know?
The figure edged closer the only sound being the ticking of the clock.
That doesn't sound quite right either.
How about: The figure edged closer with deathly silence; the only sound was the ticking of the clock. All of a sudden lights everywhere, the figure roared in agony as the light shone into his eyes, the figure looked around, there were two choices he had to make in a fraction of second, the first being the window, but come to think of it that would be suicide.
That sentence is a little run-on, if you know what I mean. I think it should be structured more like this: All of a sudden, lights were everywhere. The figure roared in agony as it shone into his eyes, but he managed to keep them open a fraction to look around for an escape. There were two choices he needed to choose from in a nanosecond; the window - but that would mean suicide.
That only left one other option. Through the house. The figure was unnaturally agile, which meant when he was out, he was gone. He dashed for the door, only to be greeted by searing pain. An arrow plunged deep into the flesh just beneath his chest.
I underlined the first bit there because I think a semi-colon (;) would work just as well, if not better, than the period.
He cursed under his breath and crashed through the door. His vision went fuzzy. He couldn’t let this bother him too much, he had to get out. He glanced at the spirally staircase, he cursed again -that would take to long. He sprung up to his feet ignoring the increasing pain; he sprinted to the landing and through himself off the top stair. There was a deafening snapping sound as his kneecap smashed into the ground. “Ahhhh!” He screamed.
Instead of pointing out every mistake in this bit, I'll just re-word it:
He cursed under his breath and crashed through the door. His vision went fuzzy, but he couldn't let that bother him too much; he had to get out. He glanced over at the spiral staircase and cursed again - that way would take too long. He sprung to his feet, ignoring the increasing pain, and sprinted to the landing. Without a second's hesitation, he threw himself off the top stair. There was a deafening snap as his kneecap smashed into the ground.
"Ahhhh!" he screamed.
He raised his head, he could see it, the door was right ahead.
That should be: He raised his head; he could see it; the door was right ahead.
He tried to get up but even with his surprising strength, that seemed to be too much trouble. He was losing blood rapidly now due to the arrow that was still impaled into his tough skin. He stared at his doomed knee, and sighed.
I think it should be: impaled in his tough skin[/b] instead.
What the hell am I supposed to do now? Are crap there here…..
I noticed on the download that his thoughts were in smaller text. Why not just italicize them?
Also, the swearing kind of throws me off balance, so to speak. Because of the arrow, I got the idea that this is kind of a medieval-ish setting, and in those kind of settings, people don't say 'crap'.
Overall, this is pretty good.
It's very rough though. Here are some issues that I noticed:
Sentence structure: I think I've corrected all the sentence structure mistakes that I've seen, but all the same, they kind of ruin the piece.
Cliches: We've all learned to associate darkness and horror with fanged, hooded monsters. And he [the monster in your story] sounds like someone from the Twilight Series, except evil.
So why not try something new? A different kind of monster. Yes, hooded figures are still scary, but I think you have the imagination for something different.
Also - well, this isn't strictly an issue - I think you should use more metaphors and similes. You already have some, but nothing that really jumps out at me. For example:
Instead of saying 'White fangs glowed in the darkness, covered in bloodstains.' why don't you say ' White fangs curved like sickle moons in the darkness; moons tainted scarlet.' Or something like that. You know, to make it more interesting.
Yeah...nothing else to say, really. I'm exhausted. My fingers, anyways.
But keep working on this! I think you should post a revised edition, or edit this anyways, and then I can give you more precise feedback. Speaking of feedback, sorry if I sounded harsh. >.<
Keep writing and never give up!
-Camille
Points: 1609
Reviews: 602
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