Published December 28, 2007
i know its an extremely short opening, i just wanted you views about it so here it is.
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That isn't a proper sentence structure; it should be: The shadowy figure dashed with lightning speed straight at her, and she screamed and was thrown back with sure force that she hit her head hard against the other corner of the bed.
Still, that's a very long sentence. Maybe you should do this instead: The shadowy figure dashed with lightning speed straight at her. She screamed....(etc)
This is also grammatically incorrect - it should be something like this instead: Her limp body was still, and the dark figure advanced. White fangs glowed in the darkness, covered in bloodstains.
"Ello sis."
Also for this part, maybe describe the monster's voice? You said earlier that you wanted more characterization, so maybe that would help a bit.
You may have noticed that I underlined the first part of the first sentence. That is because you said she was limp and still, which isn't strictly necessary. They both mean the same thing - you might as well have said 'her limp body was limp' or 'her still body was still'.
You know?
That doesn't sound quite right either.
That sentence is a little run-on, if you know what I mean. I think it should be structured more like this: All of a sudden, lights were everywhere. The figure roared in agony as it shone into his eyes, but he managed to keep them open a fraction to look around for an escape. There were two choices he needed to choose from in a nanosecond; the window - but that would mean suicide.
I underlined the first bit there because I think a semi-colon (;) would work just as well, if not better, than the period.
Instead of pointing out every mistake in this bit, I'll just re-word it:
He cursed under his breath and crashed through the door. His vision went fuzzy, but he couldn't let that bother him too much; he had to get out. He glanced over at the spiral staircase and cursed again - that way would take too long. He sprung to his feet, ignoring the increasing pain, and sprinted to the landing. Without a second's hesitation, he threw himself off the top stair. There was a deafening snap as his kneecap smashed into the ground.
"Ahhhh!" he screamed.
That should be: He raised his head; he could see it; the door was right ahead.
I think it should be: impaled in his tough skin[/b] instead.
I noticed on the download that his thoughts were in smaller text. Why not just italicize them?
Also, the swearing kind of throws me off balance, so to speak. Because of the arrow, I got the idea that this is kind of a medieval-ish setting, and in those kind of settings, people don't say 'crap'.
Overall, this is pretty good.
It's very rough though. Here are some issues that I noticed:
Sentence structure: I think I've corrected all the sentence structure mistakes that I've seen, but all the same, they kind of ruin the piece.
Cliches: We've all learned to associate darkness and horror with fanged, hooded monsters. And he [the monster in your story] sounds like someone from the Twilight Series, except evil.
So why not try something new? A different kind of monster. Yes, hooded figures are still scary, but I think you have the imagination for something different.
Also - well, this isn't strictly an issue - I think you should use more metaphors and similes. You already have some, but nothing that really jumps out at me. For example:
Instead of saying 'White fangs glowed in the darkness, covered in bloodstains.' why don't you say ' White fangs curved like sickle moons in the darkness; moons tainted scarlet.' Or something like that. You know, to make it more interesting.
Yeah...nothing else to say, really. I'm exhausted. My fingers, anyways.
But keep working on this! I think you should post a revised edition, or edit this anyways, and then I can give you more precise feedback. Speaking of feedback, sorry if I sounded harsh. >.<
Keep writing and never give up!
-Camille
oh I thought this was all XD please just copy and paste it here, my computer'll injure me if I download anything more other than music.
sure!umm...
so the main character is the guy right? and he's a vampire-ish character (I'm assuming this because of the bloody fangs)And he's being chased by an enemy.
I think (personally) the best way to introduce him would be to just build up his approaching the girl (?his sister?). Describe his entering the house and the thoughts going through his head. This would give us an idea of who we're dealing with and you could use some foreshadowing to hint at the approaching danger.
Questions, comments, concerns???
Thanks now i read it, i can see what you mean, do u think you could give us a hand of introducing the character and conflict
It really is preferrable if you put it into text.
First, You really threw us into the middle of a big conflict here. It's somewhat jarring and could use some building up to. You don't have to add alot, just tell us who the main character is and introduce the conflict.
The underlined sentence had really bad grammar and doesn't make much sense. The bold sentence is a run-on.
The first underlined word, well, I'm pretty sure that it's not a word. The second is the wrong spelling of the word that you want. The italicised sentence should be changed to "he sprang to his feet"
The underlined phrase should have an 'and' and it would make more sense. I don't have any idea what you meant by the bolded sentence
It was interesting but could use a bit of work.
PM me when you write more!!!