z

Young Writers Society



The forgotten Secret

by Extraterrestial


The forgotten secret

The Stranger

Rome was a beautiful city, with its towering lush green trees, swaying with the gently summer breeze and its clear blue sky, stretching out across the horizon. Birds perched themselves on the arms of trees, singing until there lungs strained. The scorching sun hung high in the sky, gazing upon the wildlife that lurked in Heyshore wood. The nearby waterfall rushed against the shallow rock pool, creating a rather pleasant atmosphere.

*

Two teenage boys, were bathing the in the suns splendour. There bare torso almost going a pinkish red, as the sun unleashed its fury upon them. The youngest of the twin’s went by the name of Alex Falcon, his short blonde hair, sweating against the blazing heat. His eyelids closed, shielding his dark brown eyes from the fiery sphere. The other was Alex’s twin brother (Cesar); he was Fourteen-same as Alex. He had, like his brother, short hair but his was black. His pale blue eyes gazed up at the clear sky, and his fingers rested on the small blade strapped to his side for safe keeping. You could never be too careful, that’s what he always said. But the most distinctive feature of him was the banana shaped scar that ran from his left eye down to his cheek. Alex had often tried to ask him how he got the scar but it only resulted in him to storm off and go sulk somewhere feeling sorry for himself. Cesar was always like that, a very sensitive lad-frail as a tooth pick. The two boys had, had a disastrous history. Their mum died at child birth, so they had never known their mum. After the death of their mum, their dad suddenly became ill and had regular violent outbursts; Alex had reckoned that’s when his brother had gotten the scar. But not so long ago, when Cesar was older enough, he confronted his ill father, and must have said something he shouldn’t have. Because the next day the two brothers had woken up to find their dad had hung himself. Now, they lived with there crazy aunt, who had also been affected by the death of her sister and brother in law. But she had a bolt lose, and she was rarely home to look after the two boys anyway- she was a very secretive lady. The sun was slowly sinking out of view; darkness was on its way. It was never good to be out at dark in times like this. The evil that lurked in the bottomless pits of hell were gathering and were rising to there strongest, and when that happened death would be imminent.

*

Alex turned to his brother, who had not spoken in a while.

“Cesar we should start to head off home now” said Alex, gently nudging him.

“Home, home, there is no home.” scowled Cesar.

“Well aunty Marie is the only family we have” answered Alex.

“Family, family she’s not family she’s a flipping nutcase. Just like dad he wasn’t all there either.”

“Don’t talk about dad like that, if there’s anyone who’s going bonkers than it will be you. Yeh that’s right. Cesar you’re a complete physco.” shouted Alex.

“Shut up, just shut up.” Bellowed Cesar as raised his fist to punch Alex, but suddenly had a change of heart and calmed his self down to a fit state. “I’m sorry, it’s just with mum and dad dying it’s just gotten to me really badly.” apologised Cesar.

“It’s ok; I mean it’s not like I don’t know how you feel. It’s just you really shouldn’t blame dad for what happened, it wasn’t his fault.” said Alex, stroking his bow, and straightening his quiver. “Anyway enough of this, I’m going to shoot some birds- you coming?”

“Nah, you go on-I’ll be alright.” answered Cesar, picking at a blue bell bush.

“Suit your self.” mumbled Alex as he stood up and walked into the wood. Alex smiled he loved archery- and was good at it as well-very good. He gracefully raised his bow and slotted a feathered arrow into it. He slowly pulled back and aimed it at a peaceful crow perched high in the trees. He released. The arrow went dead straight and easily pierced the crow’s wing sending it tumbling off the tree, to its doom. Alex smirked as he heard a loud thud. He started to walk over to the dying crow but stopped dead cold, when he heard a familiar voice behind him.

“Alex we have to go, there’s this man, he looked at me weird and I don’t recognise his face from round here.” warned Cesar.

At first, Alex seemed to stare at his brother, but then if you look my closely, it wasn’t at his brother but past him. Cesar followed his gaze, and gasped out loud as a black cloaked man stood, staring at them. Then he said something, something that the boys will never forget.

___________________________________________

The darkness is rising, the light fading.

The forces of evil are gathering and when they do

the humans will face extinction.

There is one secret which will save them all, but there's just one slight

problem-its forgotten.

The Forgotten Secret.


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20 Reviews


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Tue Jan 29, 2008 9:26 pm
Shreksurmum says...



thats fair enough, but im pointing out other stuff i noticed, anything that sounds weird to me, im not being evil, im just trying to help

P.S

sorry for accusing you of stuff when you did ur second comment on ch 3, its just you pointed out stuff that you hadnt before




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Tue Jan 29, 2008 9:09 pm
Extraterrestial says...



shrek, just to let you know that the guy above beat you to the grammar and i have already corrected them.




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Tue Jan 29, 2008 9:08 pm
Extraterrestial says...



shrek, just to let you know that the guy above beat you to the grammar and i have already corrected them.




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Tue Jan 29, 2008 8:50 pm
Shreksurmum wrote a review...



swaying with the gently summer breeze
swaying with the GENTLE summer breeze


make sure it makes sense to you before you submit

singing until there lungs exploded
a bit far fetched, try something like ached


were bathing the in the gaze of the sun.
were bathing in the gaze of the sun


again, make sure you read it through

There bare torso almost going a pinkish red
THEIR bare torso almost going a pnkish red


The youngest of the twin’s went by the name of Alex Falcon,
How can a twin be younger than the other?


The other was Alex’s twin brother (Cesar)
you dont need the brackets


Alex had often tried to ask him how he got the scar
Alex had often tried to ask him how he HAD got the scar


There mum died at giving the boys,
THEIR mum died WHILST giving BIRTH TO the boys


so they had never knew there mum
So they had never KNOWN THEIR mum


Alex had reckoned that’s when his brother had gotten the scar.
Alex reckoned that's when his brither had gotten the scar


But not so long ago, when Cesar was older enough,
This makes no sense, when Cesar was OLDER enough?


woken up to find there dad had hung himself
woken up to find THEIR dad had hung himself


you keep on using there when you need to use THEIR

if there’s anyone who’s going bonkers than it will be you
if there's anyone who's going bonkers IT'S YOU.


Bellowed Cesar as raised his fist to punch Alex
Bellowed Cesar as HE raises his fist to punch Alex


Alex smiled he loved archery-
Alex smiled; he loved archery-


This was a good start, much better than the old version, nut you really need to read through it first. oh and i really liked the clff hanger!


_________________


Four Towers, Three Friends, One Destiny

The Quest For Flight




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Tue Jan 29, 2008 8:23 pm
Extraterrestial says...



Thanks for the the tips, it looks like i need them lol. But anyway what exactly do you mean by periods.

Also i thank you for correcting my there to thier, becuase i write to fast and i often make silly mistakes like that so thanks for everything.




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Tue Jan 29, 2008 7:11 pm
Aedomir wrote a review...



Hi there! Let's see what we've got...

stretching out in the horizon


I'm not sure IN is what you want you here, maybe ACROSS would fit better.

singing until there lungs exploded


Bit rash isn't it? You start off with this gentle setting, romance picturesque then you go and blow and bird up. Try using STRAINED instead of exploded, it just sound too violent lol.

Two teenage boys, were bathing [s]the[/s] in the gaze of the sun


OK, this isn't so much grammar, I just think that gaze is too... unfitting. Try RAYS or BLAZE or even say 'bathing in the sun's splendour' or something.

strapped to his side-for safe keeping


Rip out the dash, it doesn't work.

sulk somewhere-feeling sorry


same again

There mum died at giving the boys


Their not there. Also, I'm not sure about this really, 'giving the boys'? how about 'suring child birth' or whatever...

after the death of there mum, there dad


Both time, THEIR THEIR THEIR THEIR THEIR not THERE!!!!!

find there dad


Must I say it again?

physco.” shouted Alex.


put a period not a full stop at pscho

just shut up.” Bellowed Cesar


Same again!

really badly.” apologised Cesar.


and again

wasn’t his fault.” said Alex


and again

on-I’ll be alright.” answered Cesar,


and again

round here.” warned Cesar.


and again

“Suit your self” mumbled Alex


there's nothing even there this time!

Alex stared blankly at his brother, but no it wasn’t at his brother at all-it was past him.


I don't even know what you mean by this, try rewriting it.

Wow that took forever lol

OK, after reading this, I certainly can see potential in both this and you. Keep writing, just make sure you keep away from those VERY repetive grammar problemos (hahaha intalian hahaha... sorry). I would also liked to make this absolutley certain, good writers are not people who put a thousand adjectives in every sentence, often just to hide weak sentence structures. You however, use them very well, well done!

Good luck, keep writing

Mark





These were autumn mornings, the time of year when kings of old went forth to conquest; and I, never stirring from my little corner in Calcutta, would let my mind wander over the whole world.
— Rabindranath Tagore, The Cabuliwallah