Published January 29, 2008
The forgotten secret
The Stranger
Rome was a beautiful city, with its towering lush green trees, swaying with the gently summer breeze and its clear blue sky, stretching out across the horizon. Birds perched themselves on the arms of trees, singing until there lungs strained. The scorching sun hung high in the sky, gazing upon the wildlife that lurked in Heyshore wood. The nearby waterfall rushed against the shallow rock pool, creating a rather pleasant atmosphere.
*
Two teenage boys, were bathing the in the suns splendour. There bare torso almost going a pinkish red, as the sun unleashed its fury upon them. The youngest of the twin’s went by the name of Alex Falcon, his short blonde hair, sweating against the blazing heat. His eyelids closed, shielding his dark brown eyes from the fiery sphere. The other was Alex’s twin brother (Cesar); he was Fourteen-same as Alex. He had, like his brother, short hair but his was black. His pale blue eyes gazed up at the clear sky, and his fingers rested on the small blade strapped to his side for safe keeping. You could never be too careful, that’s what he always said. But the most distinctive feature of him was the banana shaped scar that ran from his left eye down to his cheek. Alex had often tried to ask him how he got the scar but it only resulted in him to storm off and go sulk somewhere feeling sorry for himself. Cesar was always like that, a very sensitive lad-frail as a tooth pick. The two boys had, had a disastrous history. Their mum died at child birth, so they had never known their mum. After the death of their mum, their dad suddenly became ill and had regular violent outbursts; Alex had reckoned that’s when his brother had gotten the scar. But not so long ago, when Cesar was older enough, he confronted his ill father, and must have said something he shouldn’t have. Because the next day the two brothers had woken up to find their dad had hung himself. Now, they lived with there crazy aunt, who had also been affected by the death of her sister and brother in law. But she had a bolt lose, and she was rarely home to look after the two boys anyway- she was a very secretive lady. The sun was slowly sinking out of view; darkness was on its way. It was never good to be out at dark in times like this. The evil that lurked in the bottomless pits of hell were gathering and were rising to there strongest, and when that happened death would be imminent.
*
Alex turned to his brother, who had not spoken in a while.
“Cesar we should start to head off home now” said Alex, gently nudging him.
“Home, home, there is no home.” scowled Cesar.
“Well aunty Marie is the only family we have” answered Alex.
“Family, family she’s not family she’s a flipping nutcase. Just like dad he wasn’t all there either.”
“Don’t talk about dad like that, if there’s anyone who’s going bonkers than it will be you. Yeh that’s right. Cesar you’re a complete physco.” shouted Alex.
“Shut up, just shut up.” Bellowed Cesar as raised his fist to punch Alex, but suddenly had a change of heart and calmed his self down to a fit state. “I’m sorry, it’s just with mum and dad dying it’s just gotten to me really badly.” apologised Cesar.
“It’s ok; I mean it’s not like I don’t know how you feel. It’s just you really shouldn’t blame dad for what happened, it wasn’t his fault.” said Alex, stroking his bow, and straightening his quiver. “Anyway enough of this, I’m going to shoot some birds- you coming?”
“Nah, you go on-I’ll be alright.” answered Cesar, picking at a blue bell bush.
“Suit your self.” mumbled Alex as he stood up and walked into the wood. Alex smiled he loved archery- and was good at it as well-very good. He gracefully raised his bow and slotted a feathered arrow into it. He slowly pulled back and aimed it at a peaceful crow perched high in the trees. He released. The arrow went dead straight and easily pierced the crow’s wing sending it tumbling off the tree, to its doom. Alex smirked as he heard a loud thud. He started to walk over to the dying crow but stopped dead cold, when he heard a familiar voice behind him.
“Alex we have to go, there’s this man, he looked at me weird and I don’t recognise his face from round here.” warned Cesar.
At first, Alex seemed to stare at his brother, but then if you look my closely, it wasn’t at his brother but past him. Cesar followed his gaze, and gasped out loud as a black cloaked man stood, staring at them. Then he said something, something that the boys will never forget.
___________________________________________
The darkness is rising, the light fading.
The forces of evil are gathering and when they do
the humans will face extinction.
There is one secret which will save them all, but there's just one slight
problem-its forgotten.
The Forgotten Secret.
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thats fair enough, but im pointing out other stuff i noticed, anything that sounds weird to me, im not being evil, im just trying to help
P.S
sorry for accusing you of stuff when you did ur second comment on ch 3, its just you pointed out stuff that you hadnt before
shrek, just to let you know that the guy above beat you to the grammar and i have already corrected them.
shrek, just to let you know that the guy above beat you to the grammar and i have already corrected them.
make sure it makes sense to you before you submit
again, make sure you read it through
you keep on using there when you need to use THEIR
This was a good start, much better than the old version, nut you really need to read through it first. oh and i really liked the clff hanger!
_________________
Four Towers, Three Friends, One Destiny
The Quest For Flight
Thanks for the the tips, it looks like i need them lol. But anyway what exactly do you mean by periods.
Also i thank you for correcting my there to thier, becuase i write to fast and i often make silly mistakes like that so thanks for everything.
Hi there! Let's see what we've got...
I'm not sure IN is what you want you here, maybe ACROSS would fit better.
Bit rash isn't it? You start off with this gentle setting, romance picturesque then you go and blow and bird up. Try using STRAINED instead of exploded, it just sound too violent lol.
OK, this isn't so much grammar, I just think that gaze is too... unfitting. Try RAYS or BLAZE or even say 'bathing in the sun's splendour' or something.
Rip out the dash, it doesn't work.
same again
Their not there. Also, I'm not sure about this really, 'giving the boys'? how about 'suring child birth' or whatever...
Both time, THEIR THEIR THEIR THEIR THEIR not THERE!!!!!
Must I say it again?
put a period not a full stop at pscho
Same again!
and again
and again
and again
and again
there's nothing even there this time!
I don't even know what you mean by this, try rewriting it.
Wow that took forever lol
OK, after reading this, I certainly can see potential in both this and you. Keep writing, just make sure you keep away from those VERY repetive grammar problemos (hahaha intalian hahaha... sorry). I would also liked to make this absolutley certain, good writers are not people who put a thousand adjectives in every sentence, often just to hide weak sentence structures. You however, use them very well, well done!
Good luck, keep writing
Mark