In the future, please don't use attachments for your work, okay? 
But I got the download to work, so here's your critique:
The ghostly moon shone brightly in the midnight sky, the trees swaying violently in the threatening wind, a figure cloaked in black waited in the trees.
This sentence doesn't work grammatically, I'm afraid. I think you should try something like: The ghostly moon shone brightly in the midnight sky. The trees swayed violently in the threatening wind, and a figure cloaked in black waited in the trees.
Here are some articles about prose and rhythm/sentence structuring:
• http://www.fictionfactor.com/articles/style.html
• http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/sentences.htm
• http://www.achievementtech.com/files/OR_Writing.pdf
He dropped from the trees with such grace, and walked calmly towards the front door of the house.
With such grace that what? When you say something like 'such [insert word here]' you generally need to include....oh rats, I don't know how to explain it. >.< But here's an example:
He smiled with such warmth that she felt as if a miniature sun had come to earth.
Yeah, I know it's cheesy, but I hope you get the point.
When he figured how stupid he was, why use the door when I can climb walls. He thought.
This is a bit garbled...I must clarify:
He's thinking, 'why use the door when I can climb walls'. Well, those phrases should look like this:
When he figured how stupid he was, he thought, why use the door when I can climb walls?
Thoughts usually go in italics. You savvy?
It was incredible in seconds the figure was peering through the window. How can he jump so high and far?
There should be a semi-colon or a colon after 'incredible', and the second sentence doesn't make sense. It would if you were writing in 1rst person, but you're not, so you should just get rid of that sentence.
The Shadowy figure dashed with lightning speed straight at her, she screamed and was thrown back with such a force that she hit he head hard against the corner of the bed. Her limp body was still, the dark figure advanced. White fangs glowed in the darkness, covered in bloodstains. “ello sis.”
The figure edged closer the only sound being the ticking of the clock. All of a sudden lights everywhere, the figure roared in agony as the light shone into his eyes, the figure looked around, there were two choices he had to make in a fraction of second, the first being the window, but come to think of it that would be suicide. That only left one other option. Through the house. The figure was unnaturally agile, which meant when he was out, he was gone. He dashed for the door, only to be greeted by searing pain. An arrow plunged deep into the flesh just beneath his chest.
He cursed under his breath and crashed through the door. His vision went fuzzy. He couldn’t let this bother him too much, he had to get out. He glanced at the twisting staircase, he cursed again -that would take to long. He jumped to his feet ignoring the increasing pain; he sprinted to the landing and through himself off the top stair. There was a deafening snapping sound as his kneecap smashed into the ground. “Ahhhh!” He screamed.
He raised his head, he could see it, the door was right ahead. He tried to get up but even with his surprising strength, that seemed to be too much trouble. He was losing blood rapidly now due to the arrow that was still impaled into his tough skin. He stared at his doomed knee, and sighed. What the hell am I supposed to do now? Are crap there here…..
I've already reviewed this whole bit; you can see it here if you haven't already: topic23851.html. (Mine is the most recent critique.)
He stared helplessly at the advancing hunters, they were armed some with knives others with swords, and that’s when he saw him. There was a bulky man with long blonde hair; in scruffy clothes well they were more like rags than clothes. He was armed with a crossbow. Anger flared up inside him, he clenched his fist and stared at the man for what seemed ages until he said. “ My name is James Makavore, I am thirteen, and I am not HUMAN!”
James sprang to his feet and lunged at frightening speed straight at the Blond man, James’s hands gripped round the mans neck, and twisted it the neck snapped like twig leaving the man to crumple to the floor, the other hunters gasped in shock and lunged at James, James dived for the crossbow, his hands gripped round the handle and the rest was easy.
not HUMAN!”
James sprung from the ground and lunged at frightening speed straight at the Blond man, James’s hands gripped round the mans neck, and twisted it the neck snapped like twig leaving the man to crumple to the floor, the other hunters gasped in shock and lunged at James, James dived for the crossbow, his hands gripped round the handle and the rest was easy.
Her eyes flicked open, the room was mess. The girl studied her surroundings; she shivered as a gust of icy wind ripped through her. She walked towards the window and slammed it shut. Blood was every where she stared at her bed quilt. It was covered in blood. Whose blood was it? Was it hers? Has someone been hurt?
These unanswered questions ran in her mind, she was a smart girl, soon to be fourteen. There had to be an explanation she thought.
Suddenly that’s when she noticed it. The door. Wood everywhere. What the hell has happened she thought, she cautiously crept towards the door, so silently she could hear he own heartbeat, her heart raced as she peered through the wreckage. She carefully stepped over the shattered wood and tiptoed towards the landing.
She peered downstairs. Three men. Blood. Boy. Hell. James was soaked from head to toe in blood still clutching the crossbow he stared helplessly into the frightened eyes of his sister. Jessica.
He placed the crossbow on the blood soaked floor.
“ NO IT CANT BE, NO NOT YOU, NOT MY DARLING BROTHER!” Screamed Jessica.
Nerved by the sudden out burst James backed away towards the door. He reached for the door when all of sudden a trembling voice said “James is that you. Who ever you are, you monster just let my brother go.” Cried Jessica
“It’s me; I’ll tell you another time, it’s a long story.” Replied James. He reached for the door handle when something glinted in the corner of his eye. He turned in horror as the silver knife plunged deep into his stomach.
It would take me forever (or a very long time, like all night. Not be rude or anything) to point out and fix every sentence structuring mistake I've seen here. That's why I've underlined them all; hopefully you'll be able to fix them using the links I've posted, among other resources.
There is also many other occasions where you've used an odd word in your sentences, or said something taht doesn't make sense. I've pointed them out below:
“ My name is James Makavore, I am thirteen, and I am not HUMAN!”
Isn't Jessica's brother called James? I'm sooo confused. This whole part of the story is very garbled.
Also, no offense or anything, but that seems like a very stupid thing to scream before killing someone. Just something to consider.
James sprang to his feet and lunged at frightening speed straight at the Blond man, James’s hands gripped round the mans neck, and twisted it the neck snapped like twig leaving the man to crumple to the floor, the other hunters gasped in shock and lunged at James, James dived for the crossbow, his hands gripped round the handle and the rest was easy.
I believe it should be 'with frightening speed'. Also, this is a very long run-on sentence. You can fix it by saying this instead: James sprang to his feet and lunged with frightening speed at the blond man, His hands gripped around his neck and twisted until it snapped like a twig, leaving the man to crumple to the floor. The other hunters gasped in shock and lunged at James, but he dived for the crossbow and gripped the handle. The rest was easy.
Unfortunately, there are other run-ons in this story. Here are some links that [I hope] will help you fix them:
• http://www.northstar.k12.ak.us/schools/ ... rbrule.htm
• http://faculty.washington.edu/davidgs/Prose.html
not HUMAN!”
Okay, firstly, you need to have two quotation marks. You can't just have one.
Secondly, the N in 'not' needs to be capitalized.
And thirdly, this doesn't seem like a very appropriate thing to shout, once again. >.<
James sprung from the ground and lunged at frightening speed straight at the Blond man, James’s hands gripped round the mans neck, and twisted it the neck snapped like twig leaving the man to crumple to the floor, the other hunters gasped in shock and lunged at James, James dived for the crossbow, his hands gripped round the handle and the rest was easy.
Why did you write it twice?
I'm afraid that this needs a ton of work. You've made numerous mistakes in both the grammatical and punctuation aspects of literacy, and your ideas aren't very interesting or original. Sorry for the harshness, but I hate lying in critiques. And you'd never improve if people just said 'Great work! Keep writing!' all the time, would you?
As much as I'd like to discuss your ideas, I haven't the time and you'll probably already have fallen asleep reading this insanely long critique. But if you want idea help, PM me and I'll see what I can do.
Never give up!
- Camille
Points: 1609
Reviews: 602
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