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Young Writers Society



The Forgotten Secret (Chater one- Caught Red Footed)

by Extraterrestial


The towering lush green trees, swayed with the gently summer breeze. The clear blue sky, stretched out in the horizon. Birds perched themselves on the arms of trees, singing until there lungs exploded. The scorching sun hung high in the sky, gazing upon the wildlife that lurked in Heyshore wood. The nearby waterfall rushed against the shallow rock pool, creating a rather pleasant atmosphere.

*

Two teenage boys, were bathing the in the gaze of the sun. There bare torso almost going a pinkish red, as the sun unleashed its fury upon them. The youngest teen went by the name of Alex Falcon, his short blonde hair, sweating against the blazing heat. His eyelids closed, shielding his dark brown eyes from the fiery sphere. The Other teen was Alex’s brother; he was sixteen in a month’s time. He had, like his younger brother, short hair but his was black. He had pale blue eyes, and he always wore a small blade at his side-for safe keeping. You could never be too careful, that’s what he always said. But the most distinctive feature of him was the banana shaped scar that ran from his left eye down to his cheek. Alex had often tried to ask him how he got the scar but it only resulted in Liam to storm off and go sulk somewhere-feeling sorry for himself. Alex’s brother was always like that, a very sensitive lad-frail as a tooth pick. The two boys had, had a disastrous history. There mum died giving Alex, so he had never knew his mum. But Liam, who had known her four years, was greatly affected by this-his mum had meant the world to him. But on top of that, there dad suddenly became ill and had regular violent outbursts, Alex had reckoned that’s when his brother had gotten the scar. But not so long ago, when Liam was older enough, he confronted his ill father, and must have said something he shouldn’t have. Because the next day the two brothers had woken up to find there dad had hung himself. Now, the two brothers lived with there crazy aunty, who had also been affected by the death of her sister and brother in law. But she had a bolt lose, and she was rarely home to look after the two boys anyway- she was a very secretive lady. The sun was slowly sinking out of view; darkness was on its way. It was never good to be out at dark in times like this. The evil that lurked in the bottomless pits of hell were gathering and were rising to there strongest, and when that happened death would be imminent.

*

Alex turned to his brother, who had not spoken in a while.

“Liam, Liam we should start to head off home now” said Alex.

“Home, home, there is no home.” Liam scowled.

“Well aunty Marie is the only family we have” answered Alex.

“Family, family she’s not family she’s a flipping nutcase. Just like dad he wasn’t all there either.”

“Don’t talk about dad like that, if there’s anyone who’s going bonkers than it will be you. Yeh that’s right. Liam you’re a complete physco, you’re the one who needs help.” Alex shouted.

“Shut up, just shut up” Liam bellowed as he clenched his fist and punched Alex square in the face. Alex let out a small cry as Liam’s knuckle connected with his nose joint. Alex quickly sprang to his feet and tried to defend himself against the wrath of His brother. But he stood know chance, and he was soon on his back crying in agony as his ill brother kicked him from head to toe. Alex clenched his skull trying to reduce the pain as Liam’s boot smashed into his head. Alex’s eyes began to fail and his vision went blurry, one more kick and that was it that was the end of him. He was put out of his misery when he felt the powerful force of a boot connect with his temple. His arms fell to the ground and all went black.

*

Liam stared at his blood drenched boot, the black leather turning a crimson red. The sun had gone; the birds stopped singing even the rush of the waterfall was silent. The moon was smothered in thick black clouds that were itching to unleash there wrath upon him. The darkness was watching him, watching, waiting for the perfect moment to strike and feed on his misery. Liam just simply stared at his very still brother, what he could do now he was too late. He was about to get up and leave when suddenly there was a bright flash of blue and white lights.

“This is the Marienna city police, resist arrest and you will face the consequences.” A little voice squeaked.

“Moglins” mumbled Liam.

Liam roared with fury and unsheathed his blade. He sprang to his feet and darted towards the bright lights, weapon raised. Pink dust appeared out of nowhere and Liam felt his energy level deplete rapidly, he fell to his knees and collapsed in heap as something hard smashed into his head.

“Get the boy, quickly, we might already be to late” commanded a squeaky voice.

The bright lights suddenly vanished into the darkness, and they were gone, Liam gone, and even Alex was gone. Consequently the timing was incredibly perfect. The rain belted down as hard as it could, like a battering ram against the hard mud.

________________________________________

Devil's demon's witch's there all the same,

but these, well these are something else.


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Points: 890
Reviews: 24

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Tue Jan 29, 2008 12:19 am
Tadatori53 wrote a review...



I liked how you had that descriptive scene in the beggining, it was very smooth in bringing us in the story.
The over all story was interesting and has me wodering what will happen next though it's a very unique way of writting to I got distracted every once in awhile. the puctuation needs a little worok but nothing that can't be fixes easily.
I agree with Lilith that there seemed to be some repetitiveness. For instance:
"He had, like his younger brother, short hair but his was black. He had pale blue eyes, and he always wore a small blade at his side-for safe keeping."
it's not too bad but I would change you from 'He had' and maybe make it into a action like "His pale blue eyes gazing up into the sky as his hand was unconsiously fingering a small blade that he kept at his side-for safe keeping" though that's just a suggestion.
Keep it up! It looks great so far.




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Mon Jan 28, 2008 7:49 pm
Shreksurmum wrote a review...



this was good, but there was ALOT of grammar mistakes and badly spelt words or words missed out e.t.c. before you put the stuff on, read it through to make sure it makes sense to you. oh and i was confused, you spoke about a blade early on, so i got the impression this was medieval time, and then police cars? i mean WTH?




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Mon Jan 28, 2008 5:55 pm
Shadow_Thief13 says...



Great story, but you left out some words or used the wrong ones.

You also need to space out the sentences a little. It was hard to read for me.

Please consider revising.

Thief




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35 Reviews


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Mon Jan 28, 2008 12:54 am
Lilith wrote a review...



It has a very distinct feel and it has a unique way of reading but you definately need to work it out. The second paragraph should be roughed out a lot. Also, there isn't much point in the redundancy of the first snippets of dialoge. Lastly, I think you should either simplify the details. To little discription is dull, but too much is a bit of a muddling mess.



This isn't the most detailed critique but there things you should really consider revising.





I am proud of my self, the reason why some of you might disagree with me a little with, but nevertheless I still proud.
— Oxara