Young Writers Society

I can't say as I cared for this. I really didn't get anything out of it. Who is the main character? At first it appears to be the woman, but at the end, it is the man who dies. Wha? When did he have any focus at all?

This just doesn't appear to have a story to it at all. Maybe when it was once part of a larger story it would have fit in context, but as is, it appears more to be just a snapshot of a scene out of the middle of a chapter. Who is the woman? Why is she hitchhiking? Why is she out on such a night?

It was pretty well written. I caught a few grammatical mistakes, but not many. The piece just didn't appeal to me. It really isn't a story, just a scene.

But in any case, good luck in your writing. Keep it up! You have potential! And I love your avatar. It actually creeps me out. *shudders* I'm going to have nightmares.

~GryphonFledgling

[quote="Extraterrestial"]short stroy i wrote when i had writers block Do you mean story?

Ring,Ring, death is here. I don't understand this line here. What does this suppose to mean?

The crackling rain thundered down upon the woman, drenching her black curls. She hurried down the street, constantly looking behind her. Ever since she had left the safety of the flat, eeriness in the night had conjured up. It followed her wherever she went, traveling with the roaring wind. She tripped as her mountain like heels hit the pavement awkwardly, sending the poor women tumbling onto the damp tarmac. Her head banged against the curb, creating a deep cut in the side of her head. She cursed as the scarlet blood dripped down her face, the warm liquid smearing her makeup. She slowly got to her feet, and stood at the pavement awaiting any passing cars. It was a dangerous act, but only one option was left, hitchhiking.

***
She stood shivering at the side, her sparkling eyes scanning the moonlit rode. But after an agonizing forty six minutes of waiting around in the dark, drenched in water and blood she had had enough. She shook her head and strolled of down the path, still weary of something following her. All of sudden there was bright lights, and then the screeching sound of car skidding to a halt. She opened her eyes and gasped as black Renault was parked at the side of the pavement the engine blaring loudly. Her eyes lit up and she cautiously steeped toward the car. The driver was an old man with hair aging and face becoming wrinkled. He looked wild eyed and disturbed. A scary grin whipped across his face, showing his blackened teeth. Hey undid his seat belt, lowered the window and popped his head through. Both adults stared at each other for what seemed decades before the man said something.

“Need a lift luv” said the man, his grin becoming even wider; it now practically stretched out across his face.

“U…u…um n…no it’s o…ok. I’ll w…w…walk. Don’t l…live far I don’t.” stuttered the woman who was now slowly retreating her footsteps back toward the direction of the flat.

“Don’t be like that, now come on, stop messing about and get in.” replied the man, but this time a lot more anger carried out through his lips.

“N…no I think I’m going to head o…off now. But thanks for t…the offer”, whimpered the lady. She turned and began to walk back to safety but then suddenly she screamed in pain. While her back was turned the man had got out of the car, and yanked her curly hair back demanding what he wanted.

“Now are you going to get in the car nicely, or am I going to throw you in. Either way bitch you are getting in that car.” Spat the man.

“Ahhha, please, p…pleasseee d…don’t hurt me. I h…have children I have a family”, and at that last sentence she wished she hadn’t said it.

“Children, aye what are their names”, laughed the man. Diggings his nails right into the woman’s hair, tearing it out piece by piece.

“HELP, HELP, HELP. PLEASE ANYONE, HELP MEEEE.”

“Hahaha, it’s just you and me luv, now get in the god damn car.”

“LET ME G…GO PLEASE,” she cried, screaming in agony as the man pulled hard on her blackened curls.

“Hahaha” laughed the man, loving the agony and terror he was causing.

The women whimpered, before realizing that it was no use screaming for help. Instead she approached it in a different manor; she reluctantly stepped forward to the vehicle but only as a distraction. The driver fell for this and stepped back letting her get in. She made one last sniffle to make it even more believable, before jamming her high heels as hard as she could down onto the top of his foot. The pointy heel pierced his shoe, and sent thick blood oozing from his foot. But this was just the beginning. She would make him suffer. And as soon as he gave a yelp in pain she stepped out from the car, and kneed him hard the privates. He gave an agonizing scream as he fell to the floor trying to ease the pain. He looked up, too meet her gaze. But she was long gone, nowhere to be seen. After a long painful struggle, the man finally managed to get to his feet. He searched long and hard for any trace of where she might have gone, but he found no obvious solution. Instead he retuned to his car and revved the engine. He didn’t bother to strap his seat belt and sped off in the distance.

***
Horns blared crazily, as the black Renault dashed through the street at well over one hundred miles per hour. Creating large tire burns on street bends. He was cursing out loud to himself, as the warm blood oozed from his foot. Ten minutes later, he was speeding full blast down a narrow country lane. Occasionally swerving out of control as the tires slipped on the wet surface. A phone rang somewhere inside his jacket pockets. He frantically fiddle inside his pockets, looking for the source of the noise. But then the classical happened. It hadn’t even been three seconds since he took his dark eyes off of the road. But in those three seconds, death had taken its course. He looked up, and a tramp was staring at him, laughing at him, in the middle of the lane. His eyes widened, and all went black. Bang.[/quote]


I think it is good and well written but confusing to me. Well done.

SimonCowellluver

Thanks, but i recently edited it os it's only a short story, and in that editing a picked up on most of my grammar mistakes, but thanks for reviewing anyway.

What!!! You changed your title!! The old one was much better!

My edits in bold

Extraterrestial wrote:this is my first attempt at writting a horror novel,so i hope you like the first chapter, if not don't hesitate to crit. Enjoy!


They Go Bump in The night

Chapter One

The crackling rain thundered down upon the women That would be "woman", singular, not plural., drenching her black curls. She hurried down the street, constantly looking behind her. Ever since she had left the safety of the flat, Where is she going? Why did she leave so late? Give us an explanation... eeriness in the night had conjured up. "Conjured up" doesn't sound right. Maybe use "conjured", but definitely find a different word for "up". It followed her wherever she went, traveling with the roaring wind. I like this last sentence. She tripped as her mountain like heels Mountain like heels? That really... odd. But your choice. If you keep this put a hyphen in between the two words. (It should be "mountain-like".) hit the pavement awkwardly, sending the poor women [b]Again, it's "womAn". "En" is plural. tumbling onto the damp tarmac. Her head banged Maybe try slammed?? against the curb, creating a deep cut in the side of her head. If you hit the curb like that, you don't "cut" your head, you would crack it. There would still be blood, and it would have the same effect... just use different wording. She cursed as the scarlet blood We know it's blood, so try something more interesting, such as "the scarlet liquid". dripped down her face, the warm liquid Now here you say "blood". It seems kind of weird, but I think that would sound a lot better. smearing her makeup. She slowly got to her feet, No comma, I believe. and stood at the pavementComma here. awaiting any passing cars. It was a dangerous act, but only one option was left[s],[/s]: hitchhiking. I would change this last sentence to something like "It was a dangerous act, but it was her final option... hitchhiking." That's just me, though.

***
She stood shivering at the side, her sparkling eyes scanning the moonlit rode. In this case, the word would be "road". But after an agonizing forty-six minutes of waiting around in the dark[s],[/s]; drenched in water and blood; she had had enough. She shook her head and strolled off down the path, still weary of something following her. All of the sudden there was were bright lights, and then Ditch the "then". the screeching sound of car skidding to a halt. I would definitely change the last sentence to "All of the sudden there were two lights flashing in her eyes. She heard the screech of a car skidding to a halt." You are allowed to use those two sentences if you wish.... She opened her eyes and gasped as a black Renault was parked at the side of the pavement, the engine blaring loudly. Her eyes lit up and she cautiously steeped Steeped?? I believe you mean "stepped"?? toward the car. The driver was an old man with hair aging and a face becoming wrinkled. Change this sentence to: "The driver was an old man with aging hair and a face that was becoming wrinkled. He looked wild-eyed and disturbed. A scary grin whipped across his face, showing his blackened teeth. Hey Get rid of the "y". undid his seat belt, lowered the window and popped his head through. Both adults stared at each other for what seemed like decades before the man said something.

“Need a lift, luv?” [s]said[/s]asked the man, his grin becoming even wider; it now practically stretched out across his face. Here, change "luv" to "love". "Luv" doesn't work in writing.

“U…u…um n…no it’s o…ok. I’ll w…w…walk. Don’t l…live far I don’t.” stuttered the woman who was now slowly retreating her footsteps back toward the direction of the flat. Interesting stutter......

“Don’t be like that, now! [s]c[/s]Come on, stop messing about and get in.” replied the man, but this time a lot more anger was (???) carried out through his lips.

“N…no I think I’m going to head o…off now. But thanks for t…the offer”, whimpered the lady. She turned and began to walk back to safety. [s]b[/s]But then suddenly she screamed in pain. While her back was turned, the man had gotten out of the car, No comma here... and yanked her curly hair back, demanding what he wanted. That old guy's pretty fast, no?

“Now, are you going to get in the car nicely, or am I going to have to throw you in[s].[/s]? Either way. bitch you are getting in that car. Comma instead of period here.” Spat the man. Make the "s" in "spat" lowercase.

“Ahhha, please, p…pleasseee Don't use this. This "pleasseee" looks terrible in writing. Just use "p...please" d…don’t hurt me. I h…have children; I have a family”, and at Change the "and at" to "but after she blurted". that last sentence she wished she hadn’t said it. If you do what I said before, ditch the "said it" at the end here.

“Children[s],[/s][/b]?[/b] aye I would ditch the "aye" and instead say "Ohhh..." what are their names”, Switch places with the comma and quotation mark. laughed "Laughed" isn't a method of speech, really, instead say "the man asked, laughing". the man. Diggings Ditch the "s" in "diggings". his nails right into the woman’s hair, tearing it out piece by piece. This last sentence isn't a sentence...say "He dug his nails right into the woman's hair, tearing it out strand by strand." (You don't have "pieces" of hair!!)

“HELP, HELP, HELP. PLEASE ANYONE, HELP MEEEE.” This was terrible. If you're going to use caps, then definitely don't destroy all the drama by not using exclamation points! And don't say "MEEEE".

“Hahaha, it’s just you and me luv Again with the luv/love thing., now get in the god damn car.”

“LET ME G…GO PLEASE, !” she cried, screaming in agony as the man pulled hard on her blackened curls. Blackened??? Do you mean black??

“Hahaha,” laughed the man, loving the agony and terror he was causing. Don't put the quote there, just say "The man laughed, loving the..."

The women WOMAN!!! WITH AN A!!! whimpered, before realizing that it was no use screaming for help. Whimpering isn't screaming for help, which is why this sentence doesn't make sense... Instead she approached it in a different manor Manor is like a fancy house (lol), the word you're looking for is "manner".; she reluctantly stepped forward Stepped forward? I thought she had her back to the car! to the vehicle, but only as a distraction. The driver fell for this Change "this" into "the move", or something similar. and stepped back, letting her get in. She made one last sniffle to make it even more believable, before jamming her high heels as hard as she could down onto the top of his foot. The pointy heel pierced his shoe, and sent thick blood oozing from his foot. Owwwwwwwwwww... But this was just the beginning. She would make him suffer. And as soon as he gave a yelp in pain she stepped out from the car, and kneed him hard the privates. He gave an agonizing scream as he fell to the floor, They're outside!!!!! He falls to the "ground"! trying to ease the pain. He looked up[s],[/s] to[s]o[/s] meet her gaze. But she was long gone[s],[/s]; nowhere to be seen. "Long gone" and "nowhere to be seen" are extremely repetitive. Ditch one of them and find a different phrase. After a long, painful struggle, the man finally managed to get to his feet. He searched long and hard for any trace of where she might have gone, but he found no obvious solution. This was kind of pointless. Of course he won't find anything, this is a street, there won't be any footprints!! Also, a "solution" doesn't have to do with tracking someone. Instead he returned to his car and revved the engine. He didn’t bother to strap his seat belt and sped off in the distance.

***
Horns blared crazily, Uhhh...if there are a bunch of horns, why didn't anyone see the girl get attacked earlier? as the black Renault dashed through the street at well over one hundred miles per hour. I think putting a more exact number here... it would sound better. Creating large tire burns on street bends. This last sentence is a fragment, connect it to the one before. He was cursing out loud to himself, as the warm blood oozed from his foot. Blah, blah, blah... You said this earlier, now it just feels like it's there to add description, but seems pointless. Ten minutes later, he was speeding full blast down a narrow country lane. Occasionally swerving out of control as the tires slipped on the wet surface. GAAAAAAH!!! Another fragment!! Connect the last two sentences... A phone rang somewhere inside his jacket pockets. No "s" needed at the end of jacket. He frantically fiddled inside his pockets, looking for the source of the noise. But then the classical happened. This is the classical?? That's... weird. But I thought it kind of funny how you say "fiddled" and then "classical"... it reminded me of music. XD It hadn’t even been three seconds since he took his dark eyes off of the road. But in those three seconds, death had taken its course. He looked up, and a tramp was staring at him, laughing at him, in the middle of the lane. His eyes widened, and all went black. Um.... he hit a guy. That won't kill him. Unless you mean he killed the tramp. Bang. BANG???? Oh my gosh, you totally ruined the end of this chapter. For one, that isn't a sentence, and sounds terrible when you use it as one. Two, you had a plenty good ending before...