neon lights and was a dozen seats
put 'there' between 'and' and 'was'
bulky man with long black hair and a really screwed up nose.
I think you should change 'bulky' and 'screwed up'. Only because bulky could mean many things and 'screwed up' isn't a good discriptive word. Try rounded and twisted or mishaped or words like that
To the left of him was a skinny Chinese woman who had long black hair and wore a long red leather jacket.
To me it doesn't sound right...
let’s begin shall we
doesn't a comma go after begin?
certain child who when turns fourteen,
Comma after who
be the only ever child we will assassinate
Take out ever, and I think you should use a different word than 'assassinate'
The voice came from an American man who was new to the orginisation.
it's orginization, deary
so you feel your up to the job
wrong 'your'....it's you're...
Well there’s no time to lose so lets discuss the terms of engagement, what weapon will you use.”
James was walking home...
huge jump. Who's James and why did it go from boss talking to james?
another crap day at school
use bad, or change it to crapy...
already behind in work,
I'm guessing it's school work, if so, change 'work' to 'school'.
he wondered to himself, where do people get all this time from. There just isn’t enough time in the day he thought.
quotations around the thought and you should take out 'he thought' since you had 'he wondered to himself'
gang of yobs facing him.
what the heck is a 'yob'?
James smiled then turned to walk away, but someone grabbed him by the neck and dragged him into a dark ally way. Bill grabbed him by his collar and chucked him against the wall. James sprang to his feet and lunged at Bill, his fist smashing hard into his face. Bill was off guard and toppled over. James went to turn away, when something glinted in the darkness, he turned in horror as Bill waved Swiss army knife in front of James’s face. Bill’s face was lit with hatred and madness, he was completely bonkers. James backed away only to find himself backing into a dead end.
When suddenly one of the gang said “hey Bill let’s just beat the crap out of him, no knifes, I don’t won’t murder on my hands ok.” Asked one of the lads.
too quick of a change...and the story doesn't have pace. It's going too fast. It's like you're listing events, and another thing, take out asked, the boy isn't asking anything.
Bill went nuts, and lunged at the boy. The knife plunged deep into his stomach, the boy gasped for air as fell to the ground. The boys screamed in horror and ran for it. It was just James, mad Bill and a dying boy. James ran towards the boy but Bill blocked his path. Bill raised his hand to smack James, but James used this as a perfect opportunity, James kicked bill in the nuts and made a grab for the knife, the knife flew out of Bill’s hand and clattered to the floor. James finished him off with a strong punch to the head. Bill was out cold. James ran to the bleeding boy and placed his hand over the boy’s neck feeling for a pulse. He was too late. The boy was gone. James’s jumped to his feet and ran for it. Tears began to form in his eyes; surely a thirteen year old shouldn’t have to go through this.
Use crazy for the first 'nuts' and again, too quick of a pace, use details, draw the reader to the excitement. At the moment, it turns the reader off. And again, you're listing events, don't list. Make it flow.
don't use 'thing'...bad choice of a word.black metal thing
The cross hair was directly aimed at James’s chest. Jack’s finger wrapped round the trigger. Jack pulled. The bullet plunged into James’s chest. James fell sideways his vision going blurry, sound slowly going. Darkness taking him.
You're listing events once more. and you're not using detail.
Other then the listing and not enough detail(and grammer/spelling) it was good. it could be a little longer, though. I think you should say what the great evil was and why it was evil, give more depth, and don't make Jack kill him suddenly, make James able to run and things like that.
'The Hunt for the One' might work for a title?
Points: 890
Reviews: 26
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