Published February 13, 2008
Amnesia
Prologue
Cold fear pain. These were all the feelings that rushed through my body as I crashed head first into the sea of daggers. The icy water filled my lungs, as I struggled to close my mouth. I tried to gulp for air, but what was I thinking I was underwater, there was no air.
*
My ears popped as the sound of screaming and water filled them. My skin numb and ghost like, white as sheep it was. They felt rough to my touch. I tried to think back to what my swimming instructors had said, but there was nothing. There was nothing to remember. My memories vanished, gone, everything blank. Even my name was gone. My family, my favourite things, my hobbies, my talents, my friends, all of it was just gone. Everything was dark, but then I realised my eyes were shut tight. I opened but shortly closed them as the salt burned my deep eyes. I tried to swim against the thundering currents, but time and time again i was pushed back. The force was too great. I felt like i was being strangled, but this time like I was being strangled in a hundred different ways. Like an invisible creature was gripping its claws around my neck and pulling at different angles, cackling at my suffering. Then suddenly i felt weightless, all the strength in me was gone. And all that was left was to simply give up and let the darkness take me.
*
I stared helplessly into the depths of the ocean, waiting for it to end, waiting for the torture to stop. And then it happened. At first it was peaceful, painless end. But I was wrong, that was just the beginning. I began to splutter, gasping, gulping for breath, choking as the seas grip over me tightened. My hands desperately reached up and grabbed at the water trying to hull myself up onto land, onto safety. But it was no good, and after three painful minutes my energy ran out and I descended into the depths of the ocean awaiting my fate.
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139,268 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Wow this is quite a powerful start here. Its just this visceral sort of feeling and he entire atmosphere is kind of established solely based on that as opposed to any sort of real imagery or otherwise and it really works I think because you feel yourself literally plunge (no pun intended) into this situation and that works wonders to get your attention quite quickly as a reader and make curious to know where this all came from.
OKay wow, well I suppose we got to see where exactly that title comes from there, no surprises whatsoever as far as that particular situation is concerned. And I think you do a pretty solid job of expressing the sheer panic from that sort of situation. The feeling of this person sort of almost drowning in this endless sea sort of imagery does in fact do an almost comparison there as well to how one would feel in this sort of situation.
Aaaand that ended quickly, although hmm considering this is in the novel category this does now leave one with quite a few questions to be answered here as to just what might happen next. Either way though, this was a very powerful scene there and this ending does do justice to that.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello there! I think I've seen you around YWS a couple times? In case I'm making things up in my head again, my name is Saint and I shall be your critiquer today!
This would have more effect if you broke each word up into an individual sentence, i.e., "Cold. Fear. Pain."
The "these were all the feelings" clause bugs me. It's just too much of a cop-out. I'd try something to the effect of "My body was overtaken as I crashed headfirst into the sea of daggers."
And by the way, "headfirst" is one word.
The comma after "my lungs" is unnecessary.
This would also carry more impact if you broke it up. Try something like, "I tried to gulp for air, but I was underwater. There was no air."
Who are you, Yoda? Lol. Try "My skin was numb and ghostlike, white as a sheep" or soemthing similar.
Typo! The "I" should be capitalised.
If you get rid of "was," this'll carry more impact.
Haul. Hull is part of a ship.
Question -- what does this have to do with amnesia? Seems more like drowning to me.
That aside, this was good! Your writing is good except for the spots that I pointed out above, which is okay. No one's perfect.
I have no huge complaints to register. Your writing is fluent, moves at a reasonable pace, and keeps me interested. Well done!
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
"Cold fear pain. These were all the feelings that rushed through my body as I crashed head first into the sea of daggers. The icy water filled my lungs, as I struggled to close my mouth. I tried to gulp for air, but what was I thinking I was underwater, there was no air."
the first sentence isn't complete but you can complete it easily. You can change it to "Cold, fear, and pain: These were all the feelings..."
"The icy water filled my lungs, as I struggled to close my mouth."
There's no need for a comma after lungs. It makes a pause which doesn't fit the sentence.
"I tried to gulp for air, but what was I thinking I was underwater, there was no air."
This would sound much better in two sentences. Maybe: "I tried to gulp for air, but what was I thinking? I was underwater: There was no air."
"My memories vanished, gone, everything blank."
I don't really like howthis is worded. It looks like a cool effect to put short words but maybe "My memories had vanished; they were gone and everything was blank." but that's just my opinion.
You need to watch out for over use of commas. I do it alot, too...
Collins are a very useful character so you might want to see when it would be better than a comma.
I like the story over all! I had me interested and I kept wanting to read to know what was going to happen! The last sentence is a little cliche, though.
I would like to read more!
~Tadatori53
Deleted words indicated by strike-outs; added/modified parts in bold; my commentary in red.
Hope that helped! =)
Prokaryote
Aside from WAY WAY too much use of I and my it is good. I suggest removing them all unless they are absolute necessary. No one should be saying my or I every six word or so. That is your biggest weakness in this 'prologue', but it really doesn't feel like a prologue at all.
This is a nice story and its descriptive which i like. Good Job I must say i didn't find any spelling errors or punctionuation errors neither. I really enjoyed reading it.
Have a good day. be well.
From SimonCowellLuver