So I'm aware that after such a long absence, I have absolutely no right to post anything. but this is my first idea in months, and so naturally I couldn't help myself. This needs an ending, so please offer some suggestions on that. Thank you! ![]()
I dug my toes in the wet sand, feeling it squish into the cracks in my feet. The soft light of sunset made you look like some god of art, with that pencil dangling out of your mouth and that sketchpad so delicately balanced on your knee. Like a pro. Like I should be drawing you.
“Hold still,” you said around bits of graphite and wood, scribbling madly with the five other pencils that were in your hand. Of course, this was when I had to wriggle and squirm and make all sorts of unattractive faces.
You huffed, threw your equipment down, and marched up to me. You got all in my face, so I could see the permanent crinkles around your ocean-green eyes that made it look like you were always smiling because, let’s face it, you pretty much always were.
“I said hold still,” you said, and proceeded to tickle me until I made sounds that resembled a dying fish. I was pretty sure that I looked like a dying fish too, what with my sunburn and salty-ness.
You went back to your pencils and your sketchpad, and I held still to prevent another attack, which secretly I kind of wanted, but of course I wouldn’t give you the satisfaction. You finished and showed me, and I said, naturally, “That really doesn’t look anything like me.”
“Are you kidding me? Of course it does. Don’t be ridiculous.”
“No, really, come on. She’s beautiful.” The girl you drew was all soft curves and smooth hair and big sparkly eyes. I was a creature of sharp angles, frizz, and squinting.
You grabbed my face in your painter hands and pressed your lips against mine, hard and soft and wet and dry and wonderful and infuriating all at the same time, and I hated you for being able to reduce me to a pile of quivering gelatin.
“You are beautiful,” you said, once you were done assaulting me with kissing skills that no human being should have the right to possess.
“Nuh-uh!” I pouted and crossed my arms and huffed and puffed, and if there was a house, I would have blown it down.
“Yuh-huh!” And you huffed and puffed right back, and I’d be damned if you didn’t blow me away every second from the first moment you popped into my mediocre little life.
Once you were done huffing and puffing and trying to somehow ingest my face, which by the way felt wonderful, you must tell me your secret, you receded right back to your painterly pose, pad on knee, pencils arranged haphazardly in your hair, your mouth (oh, you lucky pencil, you), and your hands. You were like the tide behind you: I could be drowning in you one second, and the next you’d be miles away.
I stood up and grabbed your sketchpad, flipping through the pages of the hers that were stupid enough to let you go. But more surprising than that were the pages labeled “Bethany’s Hands” or “Bethany’s Eyes”, “Bethany’s This and That and the Kitchen Sink, Too.”
I looked up at you. “When did you draw these?” I’d only ever posed for you this once.
“Oh, here and there. Mostly from before we were together.”
“You creep. What, did you like show up at my house while I was sleeping and draw me?”
You smiled that smile that made me want to peel it right off your face and frame it. “No. Most of those are from memory. Some are from pictures.”
I flipped through the pages, watched myself become a jigsaw puzzle of body parts (I was very pleased to discover that there was no such page labeled “Bethany’s Rather Unimpressive Assets”).
Finally I gave you the pad back and sat down all close and snuggly with you. I took your hand, traced the lines in it, a painting in itself. If I were an artist, I would want to dissect you into little bits and draw you too, so maybe “Bethany’s Left Ear” wasn’t so creepy after all.
“What are you thinking?” you asked, leaning in so our noses touched and your breath that smelled like cake climbed into my nostrils and did wickedly lovely things up there.
“You’re my beautiful, beautiful Renaissance man,” I said and pressed my lips against yours.
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Canary word: Present
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Beautiful! I love the scenery, the ocean and the sand and the drawing.
And I like this story because it seems like everything is good in it, there is no pain and no anguish and stuff. Congrats!
Hey Pen!





Just a couple of things! Most of the time, this is a really cute romance! I love the scenery, I love how they're at the beach and just hanging out. I like how he's described as the artist and she is just being his model. It's neat!
Now, a couple of things for you to improve on... because I love you like that.
She's on a beach on wet sand! One thing I think would be really cool is if you had the ocean have more... play, if that makes sense. So, maybe the ocean comes too close and she jumps away from it and then he comes after her and tickles her or whatever. That way, the scenery becomes even more real.
Also, this might just be me, but the way you described the kiss is kind of nasty. You have him grabbing her face and assaulting her and whatnot. Obviously, it's not literal in any sense, but the wording used is still pretty crude. Not very artistic at all! It might be cooler to describe the kiss in more artistic -- I mean literally artistic! -- terms.
And finally, the story revolves a little bit too much on Bethany and not enough on the artist. Don't be afraid to use your art to paint a picture of him.
Best of luck!
Huh, I really like this. You pretty much defeated all the things I hate about stupid romances - it wasn't sappy, cliche, and awkward to read. Also, the relationship felt natural and wasn't sex-oriented or shallow. And most of all, the characters weren't the flat, false godlike characters that you often see in this genre. Everything was so real and comfortable. So I gotta say, this is good.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
This is extremely intresting!

As everyone else has said, you emphasised the kiss a little to much.
The artist boyfriend seems very intresting as a character, he seems pretty dang realistic.
You convey the emotions really well through the narrator.
Over all I loved reading this story! You definitely earned a spot in the featured works! Keep up the good work!
The fact that this speaks directly to the reader makes it very readable and easy to connect to. Usually I do not like works that say "you," but this is an except. However, it became very confusing at some points. The first time I read it, I couldn't tell which gender the MC was.
This phrase takes the whole thing down a level in maturity.
And, to the person above, the drawings are not of his ex's, but of the current girlfriend.
EDIT: Nevermind, the drawings that are concerned are of the current girlfriend, not of the ex's. I agree that the part where the MC opens the notebook of other people's faces should be removed, as it is not important. Plus, it'd bother me if I opened up my boyfriends notebook and discovered that it was filled with drawings of other girls. So if you aren't going to explain why that doesn't bother her, then don't put it in.
This is very nice, especially for romantic fiction.
-Lena
Hey El! Here as requested

I dug my toes in the wet sand, feeling it squish into the cracks in my feet. - I feel like cracks is the wrong word to use here, for me anyway, because it kind of conjures up an image of cracks in a wall and that doesn't entirely fit with what you are trying to portray here. So maybe you could find another word or rework the sentence.
Another general note would be that I think you emphasised the kiss a bit too much. I mean yes you need to in some ways because she feels that it's so great but I found that you repeated this fact several times and it became redundant. So maybe just think about sacrificing one of those moments.
I love how you have written this in second person, it really fits with her appraisal of him and how in love she is with him. It kept making me feel like something bad was going to happen to him or that she was remembering him rather than it happening in the present. So maybe that is something you could carry though if you want more of an ending for it? Just ask yourself why you are writing in second person? Is there a particular feeling that you wanted to gain by using this device?
And just one last note is that I felt like I would also be interested in reading about before they were together, when he would draw her and see her from afar. So maybe if you are thinking about extending this piece you could start there. Kind of stretch it out from both ends and explore their characters more and how their relationship came about.
I find him as a character very interesting so it would be nice to find out more about him.
But as always you make me feel pretty inadequate as a writer lol
I hope you keep writing and if you have any questions then just send me a PM
Bex x
Hey, Pen, Pink here.
I already told you that I really liked this, but I wouldn't feel right if I didn't at least comment/reviewed this.
So, what I really liked about this was the artist. I mean, I'm an artist and I love the feeling you gave the character as well as the emotions you brought to the girl character here. It was simple, sweet, deep and cute :3
There are just a slight bit of nitpicks that I do have, however.
I think the 'tell me your secret' part should also be in Parenthesis.
I think the words could be switched around here. Like, "In one second, I could be drowning in you and the next, you could be miles away."
My suggestion, 'I' felt like it was worded weirdly but then again, it could just be me and my writing style.
I don't understand why he would keep sketches of girls that were his ex's? Does she mind that he keeps them?
As I said before, I'm an artist (to an extent) and if it were me, I'd want to keep the pictures because they have feelings trapped inside of them. But I'd want to box them away somewhere.
However, pushing all that aside. I think this a pretty elegant and beautiful piece. You had me captured from the first sentence and kept me reading till the end, which is hard for me to do, so kudos to you!
That's all! Keep it up
~Shear