Inspired of course, by the wonderful band. Particularly a stanza in this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ePfsdr94ow
I haven't written poetry in forever so I need serious help. Thanks.
The crows on the wire
Make their careful dance
Like clowns on tightropes,
One foot forward,
One foot backwards,
Floating in a second of space.
They sing to each other
With scratchy paper voices,
They sing each other to sleep.
And I held your hand tight,
Felt feathers under your skin,
While I sat awake in bed,
Counting shiny ink crows
To fall asleep faster
Into the shadows in your sky.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Well, I really really like this poem! I love the disctipsions,
This is my favorite line, but maybe llook at how you say "they sing to each other" and then "they sing each other to" I'm not sure if it needs changing but putting thoughs to lines that are almost the same so close to eachother and in the same sentance is a little off... But I'm a nit picker so...
Other then that I loved the poem, I would never have guessed that you haven't written in a while...
~Rain~
I completely agree with the comments before mine. Your'e a really good poet and your skills haven't certainly gotten rusty or anything. That, or you just got lucky with this one
I loved your choice of adjectives and the images they created in my head.
I myself don't really understand poetry, but I can tell when a poem is good. If I were to pick out my favorite part it would be the part about the crows dancing on the wire "one foot forward, one foot backwards, floating in a second of space".
All-in-all I really liked it and do post more poems if you feel feel like it. Ill enjoy reading more.
WaitingForLife out... -->
I know you were probably hoping for a way to improve, but everything was great. You had great descriptions such as 'scratchy paper voices', 'like clowns on tightropes', and 'floating in a second of space'. You did an excellent job. Most poem pieces I have critiqued needed work, but yours is fine!
If you haven't written in a while and think you need help, I want to see your other ones where you 'wrote more often'.. That's a lie, you don't need any help. You need to be helping others.
-Midnight
Ooh, purty.
I think I know why you don't have any reviews.
There's nothing bad about it to review.
I love your descriptions, especially "shiny ink crows". I don't know why exactly, but I really love it. And then "scratchy paper voices". I like that too.
I don't care what you say, you're an awesome poet Ballpoint. Stop putting yourself down and accept it.
Happy YWSing!
~Gsp