A/N ~ Sorry for the French at the end, but it was written for my French teacher. "Les papillons d'or" means "golden butterflies."
Memories float in the air,
Like butterflies with golden wings,
Fluttering above our heads
Until we say goodbye.
A dream, a wishing wistful thought,
Flitting in our shadows;
We’d linger in this silken haven,
But it’s time we move along.
While tears carve puddles under eyes,
Smiles build our bridges,
And dearest words of ancient tongues
Cross paths inside our ears.
Though this lament breaks silence,
And lashes glisten with rain,
Our recollections drift along,
Les papillons d’or.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Several things.
First of all, this is a really interesting poem, especially in the movements it describes. I like the memories that "drift" and "float" like butterflies. The impression I have is that those memories are stirred up by the presence of a loved one, but will gradually, slowly float out of sight once the good-byes are over, which I find at once sweet, sad, and truthful. At the same time, "tears carve" and "smiles build our bridges" suggest to me that the experiences remembered have left permanent marks, though the memories themselves are fleeting. The comparison to butterflies also suggests the idea of memories as small living things that come and go of their own volition, expected or not -- another powerful image. I like the irony in the fact that butterflies are slow and gentle, but we are often powerless against their movements. I don't think you'd be amiss to spend a few more lines on those connections, but it depends on what you're going for.
I feel the lines "Though this lament breaks silence, / And lashes glisten with rain" are pretty weak, especially the second line there. I actually feel that breaking silence is a strong image, but its followed by glistening. I personally feel that a more intense physical suggestion of separation would be a good idea there, especially since it's contrasted with the gentle movement of butterflies.
I have to say, though, the first thing I noticed about your poem wasn't the pretty language and imagery. It was the punctuation. You've punctuated the end of nearly every line, which is a huge pet peeve of mine. What are line breaks for? Punctuation that extensive has no place in this kind of loose, lyrical poetry and only distracts from the effect of the poem, which is a sad thing to do. I strongly suggest ditching every comma at the end of a line. The periods make sense when you want a full stop. As for the one semicolon, I'd ditch that too. Alternately you could replace it with a dash, which provides the same strong stop but gives more of a sense of continuation to the next line.
Hope some part of that helped. Anyway, happy writing. :]
I really enjoyed your poem. The beginning was especially beautiful, but as it got near the end, I had trouble udnerstanding what you were trying to say. Also, the ending seemed very abrupt to me and the last few stanzas didn't flow as nicely as the beginning of the poem did. Otherwise, this was fantastic and very moving.
Truthfully, Margaret
I love your imagery here. SO COOL. Especially the French at the end. I love French.
Hey, No Problem. French is awesome
Anyway, now for the review. . .
I like the imagery you create here, but maybe you should put a period after 'wings.'
They flutter over our heads
Until we say goodbye.
Maybe add 'They are' before 'a dream, just so it doesn't sound so weird. and 'wishing wistful' kinda sounds funny since the words are so similar. Maybe find a synonym for one of them?
Practically Perfect in every way ^o^
I don't exactly understand your use of 'smiles' or what you are even trying to say in this paragraph.
Maybe you could replace 'dearest' with 'deepest'. I dunno, It just sounds cooler that way, in my opinion.
Careful about your comma usage. There shouldn't be one after 'along.'
Other than that, It's really good, possibly one of the best poems that i have read here on YWS
Hey Pen! Like I said, this is my 400th review – so remember to feel special, eh?
I like the parallel between memories and butterflies, and I actually think you could focus more on the memories in this part. The image is pretty, but it plays such a small role and to me it's not enough. I'd like to see more about them, what they look like and what they are, for example.
I also think you could take the comma out from the first line, because it makes it too choppy and I've always thought too much punctuation ruins the mood anyway. Of course, you could also try something like this:
"Memories floating in the air
Like butterflies with golden wings,
they flutter above our heads
until we say goodbye."
That might be super lousy, but you know, it's kind of interesting to see what switching places can do about a poem.
I think the first line is a bit wordy, although you might have particularly wanted it that way, but the strong alliteration is just too much. Doesn't the "wishing" sound a bit odd, anyway – maybe "hopeful" would fit better? Also the "flitting" seems a bit funny to me, just considering that dream is usually associated with certain sleepiness and carefulness, and it has some sort of secrecy to it. Whereas "to flit" is like overenthusiastic and breezy and chirpy, basically everything a dream isn't. It's a nice contrast, though, because it made me think, and in the end it's up to you whether you want it to contrast or make sense, if you will.
I like the third line very much, but the fourth line caught me again. I think it should be "but it's time [b]to[/i] move along" (or then "but it's about time we move along" – but it's too lengthy). To me it just sounds better than what you have now.
I've always found it terribly hard to describe tears. There's always something too corny and clicheed to what I come up with, or then it's just lame. However, I like what you did here, because the aspect of carving really brings up the difficulty of the situation. Overall I think you did a good job with this part, although I had to stop on the "dearest" for a while... it still sounds funny-ish to me. I like the path crossing, though. This was possibly my favourite part.
The flow would perhaps be better if you had "Though lament breaks this silence", but it might contradict with your original idea. The current line is a bit awkward to me.
Did you mean the recollections drift along with the golden butterflies? If you did, you should erase the comman after "along" – not to mention it would sound better that way anyway
I find it a bit difficult to tell you any thorough overall impression of the poem. Okay, so it was sweet and you had some pretty imagery there, but it didn't particularly affect me in any way. It doesn't happen very often here in YWS, but it has happened before, and it's certainly not impossible. I'm not saying I didn't like this, because I did, but it just was another of those nice poems. Beautiful, though, and your way of writing is somewhat easygoing and not forced.
Don't worry, though – just keep on
Demeter
xxx
Edit: I forgot something! =D So, the French bit in the end, it's pretty because I just love anything French, but. Because of the A/N, we know what's coming, and you also explain why you used French in the poem in the first place. But imagine if the poem was in an anthology or a magazine, or whatever, and there wouldn't been any introduction. Then when the reader would get to the end, they would be all weirded out because of the sudden French in there, especially when the poem itself doesn't give a slightest hint there's going to be some French. Maybe you should change the title to "Les papillons d'or"? Also, I just realised now how clever it is, because in this poem butterflies = memories, and you refrain from saying "golden memories" by this. Hehe. Nice job!
Hi Expo =)
"Move" can't compare with "flutter" and "drift". =D
This is lovely. Something about it, the tone, the wording, reminds me of butterflies, and pretty, delicate, golden fragile things; it just melts in your mouth and trips of your tongue with perfect rhythm.
I don't know, that probably all sounds cheesy, but the poem didn't, and those were the only descriptions that came to mind for how this poem struck me.
"A dream, a wishing wistful thought" This isn't really important, but for some reason I kept reading "wistful" as "lustful". No idea why...
There's two lines I want to point out. Because almost every line in your poem has some unique description, or word, something that makes it different. But there were two lines that were a little too ordinary in comparison.
"But it’s time we move along." I would love to see what different words you could use to make this as unique and lovely as the rest of the lines! Not that this isn't a perfectly good line, it is. But the rest of you poem is more than perfectly good; they're all... mini poems.
And this line: "Until we say goodbye." This doesn't stand out quite as much as the above line i mentioned, I guess because it's a part of "fluttering above our heads". But I'd still like to see what you could do with this, just because I've already seen your creativity and ingenuity at work. But besides that it's more plain than the rest of the poem, it doesn't really seem to fit in terms of content either. What are we saying goodbye to that it makes our memories stop floating above our heads?
I love that you used the word "recollections".
Now, maybe the meaning isn't as deep as it could be, or other poems are, and depending on the person the language might seem too flowery, but I loved it.
-Adna
Hello, Ellie! June here!
It's like seeing a poem done well with rhyme...
So, let's get down to business!
>> First impressions
• Force. As I read this the first time, I felt that there was a very, very strong pull rather than a natural flow pulling your ideas into the poem. It feels forced. You are lingering on ideas too long, without explaining them to us, so it kind of becomes confusing! We can't totally make sense of it without trying to dig deeper for another meaning, dear.
• Flowery-ness! Your words are too pretty. That's not necessarily as good as it sounds, El, because instead of making attractive words for our eyes, you should carve a deep meaning underneath. This poem... it's a butterfly, to me! I think it should have a more memorable foundation, Ellie, and I say this because it's intended to revolve around memories [I think?]. You're not giving us a sense of that, dear.
>> Inner thoughts
• To be honest, I feel like this has a lot of potential, but as it is standing right now, you are not giving us anything, El. You have given us the image of butterflies fluttering and dancing, but we need more! Tell us, how does this connect to a memory? I can figure it out, El, but it's your poem!
Often, I would say to let the audience imagine this picture for themselves, without having to see it through your eyes. However! This is one of those poems where you should put your heart into, you should give it your all. Let us see what you see, El, because this is a chance to do so.
• I think the emotion is short-lived. No offense at all [also, if I sound rude or anything, I am beyond exhausted. No sleep. Three days. I. Want. Sleep.], but it seems false, dear. Pardon my weak imagination, but, it seems to me like a picture where everyone is smiling and happy for the photograph only, but they're not feeling the happy emotion?
Odd contrast, yes! But, it's kind of the same thing. Like, a front to gain attention and sympathy-- this could be better!
>> Structure and whatnots
• As far as structure went, you did wonderfully. I enjoy how you didn't stress to break it into stanzas; I find that too many poets think that poems have to be stanzaic. Oddly enough, it makes me happy when I see a poem that explores a single idea well in one stanza. It's weird.
• Your punctuation is well, as well! However, as I read this, it agitated me to see that all of the lines were capitalized. I don't know why, but something about the all-caps and the clustered [awesome] stanza just pushed the word force into my mind, dear.
>> Overall!
• You have a beautiful start, and a beautiful image to work with. You need emotion to back it up.
• You have a nice way with words, although I would cut back a bit on the big ones; they're flowery and they don't work well in all places, dear.
• You have the potential to write great poems with superb, strong imagery. I would love to see more poetry from you, dear.
Keep writing! Two thumbs up!
June