Typhoon - Chapter 2 (1)

by ExOmelas

Published April 29, 2019

In Typhoon

Eric’s foot hit the platform, his first step on Scottish soil in six years. Except it wasn’t soil, it was concrete. He was still in the city and would need to take another train from Glasgow central out to Kilben before he could go out into the garden. He was due to meet his mother, his father and his grandparents at home. Josie might be there, she might not. She’d called him the night before he came up from London to warn him that her class schedule was getting kind of erratic. He figured that might suit her, not having the same timetable every day.

His connecting train did not take long to arrive, but he had time to pick up a newspaper and thumb through it. All good, all celebratory. Nothing about an out of control dragon wreaking havoc in a Lanarkshire mining town. He read a few more in depth stories about the proceedings at Nuremburg. Everything seemed to be in order. The justice of the world was righting itself again, and Eric was happy.

Then he re-read the latest letter from Stephanie, who planned to stop by the house as soon as she got off work. She was a secretary at the council buildings and sometimes worked late when the opportunity arose. She always said she was saving up for a house, and Eric got the feeling she intended it for both of them one day. This made him happy too.

But nothing made him happier than the moment he finally stepped onto the brick paving of the Kilben train station. He slung his comically oversized rucksack over his back, playing up his stumbling around for the assembled elderly citizens watching him fondly. One of them signalled to the conductor to make sure enough time was allowed for their local hero to disembark. He gave them all a happy wave as the train rumbled off, grinning from ear to ear.

Life was still good as he wandered home, floating around bends of semi-detached houses and striding along endless terraced streets. Finally, he reached the street that branched off to the right from the roundabout he’d walked home to after school every day for thirteen years. The street came to a dead end at a high wall with a little moss covering it, behind which was the playground of the primary school. Josie had always suggested they should climb over it rather than looping around the streets to get home, but by the time she’d been tall enough to try they’d both been at high school.

Eric had kept his key with him every day of the war that he could, but it felt like slipping in unannounced wouldn’t be enough of a moment. This was his first time home in six years. He knocked on the door.

“I’ll get it!” bellowed his father. For some reason he’d always imagined the first voice he heard to be his mother’s. He’d heard her voice much more during their childhood, what with his father working as a mine foreman at the Comrie Colliery up in Fife.

A moment later the door flew open and Eric was looking down on the face of his father. He had bright red cheeks and a slight paunch trying to slip out of the crisp white shirt tucked into his trousers. His hair was receding in a widow’s peak that was so sharp it was frankly sublime in the manner of epic waterfalls.

“Ah, my boy! My big, tall, wonderful boy!” Eric’s father, Bill, shouted, right in his face.

The feeling of reluctant admiration of his father’s earnestness slipped right back into Eric’s consciousness, ambushing him with its familiarity. He let his bag fall to the ground behind him and collapsed forward into his father’s arms.

“I’m home,” he murmured.

“You are at that,” Bill croaked. He pulled away after a moment and slipped past Eric to grab his bag. “Come on, let’s go see your mum and your grandparents.”

When Eric caught sight of Bill again his eyes had gone watery and a little red. Eric wondered if he’d been holding back tears all morning. Maybe he had; it was only at that moment Eric realised he had too. He followed Bill into the living room, and was immediately beset by the loving arms of his mother, closely followed by his maternal grandparents Charles and Wilma. The experience left him hovering awkwardly, half bent over, in the living room doorway with Bill trying to get past behind him.

Bill patted him on the back and together with Helen led him towards the nearest couch. It was an old red sofa, but it wasn’t yet coming apart, though the colour was slightly dull. There was the occasional stain in an awkward fold on the arm, but for the most part Helen was a mastermind with cleaning products. For a moment he just couldn’t believe how little dirt there was. As long as everything stayed under control in the world, he’d never have to get his shoes dirty again.

Helen sat beside him, Bill took his place in an armchair at a right angle to them, then Charles and Wilma sat on the sofa opposite Eric and Helen. Nobody spoke for a while, everyone just sitting, breathing, regaining their composure.

“So,” Helen said eventually, “How do you feel?”

“Happy,” Eric said.

***

Josie’s class had actually only run a little bit late so she wouldn’t arrive too long after Eric. Still, she’d let him languish in suspense for a bit. He would appreciate the surprise. She pictured seeing his dopey round face with its mop of brown hair and started grinning in the middle of a crowded train, but she didn’t care.

She got her notes out to pass the time on the train, but she could barely concentrate. Biology did interest her, really, as did politics, but how was she meant to concentrate on fish kidneys when she had a brother waiting for her when she got back? She would take him down the garden, he’d be wondering what the hell she was doing. She’d take him into their play shed from when they were kids and he’d think she was doing some elaborate performance art piece in memory of their childhood. Then his eyes would alight upon the big lump under the blanket, who would promptly stick his nose out from under it, see who it was…

She actually didn’t know what Dragon would do when he caught sight of Eric. He’d been so mopey for the first six months after Eric had left. In fact, he never seemed fully awake these days. Maybe lack of Eric was his problem. They had all three been joined by orange dragon larva energy once. Josie certainly missed Eric.

By the time the train pulled into Kilben, she’d settled down a little, and was able to reflect slightly more on her class. It hadn’t been biology or politics, even though that was her joint honours degree. It hadn’t even technically been a university class, just one run by a university lecturer called Doctor MacAlpine. The class wasn't the sort of thing they put on university curricula.

The walk home was quick, even quicker than usual with the extra pace the excitement was injecting into her legs. When she reached their house, she hopped over the low row of carved stones with wavy top edges that worked as a border for the front garden, leapt straight onto the tiles, then leaned forward and rapped her knuckles against the living room window. The light wasn't on inside, and the sun was behind her back, so she didn't notice movement until Wilma was standing right in front of her, shaking her head but smiling.

"Josie, what are you doing?" Helen called from atop the steps to the front door.

Josie darted over and followed her inside. Without answering, she sped through to the living room, spotted Eric - whose brown hair had a little more gel in it than it used to - and, noticing an empty space on the couch next to him, tackled him with all her might.

"Josie!" he cried, but he could barely get the two syllables out for laughter. A moment later he added, "Okay, ah, actually on windpipe now."

Josie hauled herself out of her hug into a sitting position, one elbow hooked around the arm of the sofa.

Eric coughed and sat back. "Oof. Exciting as ever, Josie."

"It's so good to see you!" Josie shouted, not caring that she was inside.

"You too," Eric said, glancing across the room at their grandparents. Charles had a hand to his ear, clearly perturbed by her volume, as always.

She was about to apologise when Wilma said, "I'm afraid we better be going now. We're so glad we got to see you both."

Wilma smiled at both of them, as did Charles, who made an elaborate pantomime of his deafness as she said goodbye to them both. Sometimes the loudness she'd inherited from her father did bother them, but not on a day like this. As the grandparents were led to the front door and the family got ready to wave goodbye as their car drove off, Josie excused herself to go to the bathroom.

The downstairs bathroom was slightly smaller than upstairs, with a much bluer theme of decoration. There was a new little sucker than kept the plug adhered to the side of the sink, rather than having to be sat on the ledge, where it could easily slip off. Josie played with it for a moment, then relieved herself and went to rejoin her family.

Comments & reviews · 5
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PrincessInk
Review
PrincessInk wrote a review Review · May 10, 2019

Wee! I am the last one as always, Bisc, and one of those who are greatly enjoying it :D

So now we're in the present and! a family! reunion! Yayayay! Are they going to have more adventures with the Dragon? This is quite fun and I'm really loving the nonlinear style - if there is one of course. It's really good imo if done well like yours. And also STEPHANIE ;) I want to meet her. I also love the memory engraved into everywhere there.

Ok, now that I'm done with the gushing, I do have a little issue. I just kind of wish there were different personalities to the family. I mean, aside from Helen and Josie and Eric. I wish I could get a stronger impression of Wilma and Charles and Bill...they kind of feel like typical loving parents and grandparents. Agh. I know doing that will be hard because they spend such a short time here but I also feel like there was so much potential wasted to see more family dynamics. Also I can't wait to get back to child Josie and Eric because they're much more fun.

Also a question I have is what happened to Dragon while Eric was in the war (also am a fan of how you mentioned dirty shoes because MOTIF) and Josie was studying. Did the parents take care of them? It feels a bit plot hole-y and I am the type of reader who gets nagged by small details like this. Also does the Dragon have a name. Given that he's a kind of pet, I'd assume he would.

One final thing that bothers me is that the story...seems a bit scattered? Like it feels a bit like an episodic story? (Maybe I feel this way because I'm kind of reading it that way) But I would like to see a stronger link between the scenes maybe? I'm not too sure about that because I'm reading it between stretches of time and because of that it may affect my experience that way. Also I agree with Pan that maybe it was a bit surprising that the Dragon hasn't changed their lives so much. I mean Eric and Josie as adults...they seem like they'd end up that way without meeting the Dragon (aside from the getting closer bit)...maybe I'd like more impact?? But it could be just a cozy fun story too, so! Grain of salt.

That's all I've got to say for now! See ya!

-Ink

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Panikos
Review
Panikos wrote a review Review · May 7, 2019

Hi Bisc! Here to review as promised. :)

Small Comments

Eric’s foot hit the platform, his first step on Scottish soil in six years.


I really love this line as an opening to the chapter. It's just very present. Gets us right to where we need to be in very few words.

Then he re-read the latest letter from Stephanie, who planned to stop by the house as soon as she got off work. She was a secretary at the council buildings and sometimes worked late when the opportunity arose. She always said she was saving up for a house, and Eric got the feeling she intended it for both of them one day. This made him happy too.


I just really like how well you tell. So many writers don't realise that good telling is as much a skill as good showing is. You don't shy away and hide in big flouncy language; you say things plainly, but still manage to keep the writing subtle.

He’d heard her voice much more during their childhood, what with his father working as a mine foreman at the Comrie Colliery up in Fife.


This is maybe a bit too much detail. Do you specifically need to mention the Comrie Colliery? I think just 'as a mine foreman in Fife' would be enough.

Biology did interest her, really, as did politics, but how was she meant to concentrate on fish kidneys when she had a brother waiting for her when she got back?


Plot twist: Josie is Shady.

By the time the train pulled into Kilben, she’d settled down a little, and was able to reflect slightly more on her class. It hadn’t been biology or politics, even though that was her joint honours degree. It hadn’t even technically been a university class, just one run by a university lecturer called Doctor MacAlpine. The class wasn't the sort of thing they put on university curricula.


I get the sense that this is an allusion to something important (didn't your synopsis say something about Josie learning magic at uni?) but I think you could tie it into the narrative more subtly. It sticks out too much. It's as if you put it in to be a hint rather than because it has real relevance to the chapter.

Eric coughed and sat back. "Oof. Exciting as ever, Josie."


OOF.

She was about to apologise when Wilma said, "I'm afraid we better be going now. We're so glad we got to see you both."


I find it strange that they want to leave almost immediately after Josie arrives. Is that deliberate? Do they not want to be around her for some reason?

Overall Thoughts

Not a huge amount happened in this segment, but it was still a nice read. What I'm trying to figure out is how the first chapter and this one really connect, because if I was reading this cold, I might be a little sad to discover that you've skipped ahead about twenty years rather than exploring the full aftermath of the dragon being born. It's a little dangerous to set up so many questions in the first chapter which never get directly addressed. I'm also not that clear on where the story is going, even though we must be at least 5k into the narrative by now. It feels like I'm still waiting for the event that makes me think 'ah, there's our central conflict'. The first chapter kind of leads us up the garden path and makes us think that the emergence of that (illegal) dragon might be the inciting incident, so it feels a bit disorientating to flip forward so many years and realise that it didn't have that many consequences.

That said, the concept remains interesting and I really like the historical backdrop, as well as how real the characters' lives feel. Blending together all this regular stuff about the war and university with casual mentions of Dragon (did they seriously not give the poor thing a real name!?) is such a novelty, and I'm interested to see where you take it. It's certainly not like anything I've read before. I think you just need to be a bit more laser-focused with regards to where the story starts and why. Because even in the non-flashback parts of the first chapter, the characters were in the actual midst of the war, whereas now it seems to have come to an end. So I think you're a little bit too loosey-goosey with regards to what time period the story begins in, which confuses me a little as a reader. It feels like you've started the story three separate times, if you see what I mean.

One thing I really like is how you've managed to carry over Josie and Eric's characters so they're still recognisable as the kids in the flashback, but they feel like they've changed and grown. I particularly liked the touch of Eric still having the house key - that tied in nicely with the first chapter. I also like that Eric still has this slightly pompous, proper side, though it manifests in a somewhat different way. And just small throwaway lines, like the one about Josie probably liking having a different timetable every day, go a long way towards characterising them both.

That's all for this one. Onto the next!

Keep writing! :D
~Pan

Hmm I know exactly what you mean about why is any given moment the start of the story. I actually had this issue with my last project too where there was so much content to establish that I ended up just writing a novel from nearer the start of the timeline, like as if here I were to write a novel that was all in the 20s, no flashbacks or forwards.

I think a weird issue I might be having is that I%u2019m having so much fun playing with the concept and setting that it%u2019s like I just want to explore what I can write, which now that I think about it, I did in my last project too. Huh, i wonder if it takes two occurrences to notice issues because that%u2019s when you can start to see a pattern and analyse what%u2019s underlying it.

For the record, in my outline, the first step is %u201CJosie new skills%u201D, which you%u2019ll see in the next part, and how they change Typhoon%u2019s life. Then there%u2019s an event in I think 3.2 that makes them want. There%u2019s also a long flashback that I guess we%u2019ll see how indulgent it is soon xD

Thanks for the review! :D

Panikos replied · May 7, 2019

Honestly, there's no problem with you just having fun and playing around with the concept. It is a first draft! Once you've got a complete version of the story, it'll probably be a lot easier to determine when it needs to start anyway. :)

RandomVanGloboii wrote a review Review · May 4, 2019

Wait, how much time has passed? I feel like the reader is deprived from a lot of details that needed to be explained. We know it seems to be may years later, that they have been separated for a long time, but the rest of the detail is too vague. Could be because the chapter is truncated into three parts, so let's see how the rest goes.

so, the clue you're meant to get is the stuff about the Messerschmitts in the first paragraph. it's the end of the second world war now, whereas the references to the Great War in the previous chapter place it somewhere in between the two... maybe i should start labelling this as historical xD

Yeah it could be a good idea :nod:

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WildBloomer
Review
WildBloomer wrote a review Review · May 1, 2019

Hi @DougalOfBiscuits I am just going to do a nice quick review on how good this chapter was to read.


Best Things And Lines

Eric’s foot hit the platform, his first step on Scottish soil in six years. Except it wasn’t soil, it was concrete.

Gosh sometimes my family and me visit Scotland, its quit nice there, but we have not gone there in a wile, so anyways this line stuck out to me, its a grate line to start of this chapter just as @EagleFly said.

He was due to meet his mother, his father and his grandparents at home.
grate line here, of telling us of hew he needs to meat, and mostly kind of why his there.

Little things

Okay so there is something that eagle did not really tell you, I feel as if you not really describing you mane character or anything much in this chapter, I am so sorry but I am very critical.

Well that's all from me, if there was something you did not like about this review I am really sorry I apologise and I hope you can forgive me for what ever it was, See you I hope to here more. :D <3

@WildBloomer Going Wild And Blooming Into The Sunset

That's a good point about describing the main character. There's a decent amount about him in previous chapters but the next part of this chapter also has a description of him from the point of view of his sister, so hopefully that should be resolved

Thanks for the review! :D

Your welcome. :D

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Dossereana
Review
Dossereana wrote a review Review · May 1, 2019

Hi @DougalOfBiscuits I am just here to do a really quick review on your really nice chapter,

What was really nice about it

Okay so I really like all the description I think you did a grate job of it ones again, every line was grate with that, I can see lots of images.

What lines were my favorite

Eric’s foot hit the platform, his first step on Scottish soil in six years. Except it wasn’t soil, it was concrete.
I really like this line, it was a very good way to start the chapter and to just get it going.

What things mite need a bit of improve meant

Okay so I have said i can see lot of images and things, but I don't really get what the place really feels like, I feel like your not mentioning touch or smell or feelings but your doing a lot of description, so what i am saying is your mostly using your eyes and not a lot of anything else, hearing is okay though, but you could work on it a bit, I hope you understand what i am saying if you would like me to explain what i mean a bit better then just say so, and i will PM you and explain it a bit better.

So that it all that I can say, if I was coming a cros as being really harsh and mean then I am so sorry pleas will you forgive me, So keep up the grate work here, i am looking forward to the next chapter of this story and the other one as always. :D

@EagleFly Out To Seek And Kill

hey Eagle! Thanks so much for the review :D I'll keep the other senses in mind <3

Glade that i could help. *<3's Back*



I drink tea and forget the world's noises.
— Chinese saying