Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Fantasy


Mr. Mermaid

by ExOmelas


The mermaid swooshes his tail near the surface of the sea

The water slides over his scales and the sunlight sparkles

He powers downwards, pushing through the water pressure

The pitch black presses around him, but he perseveres

Fish float by, flicking their gazes towards his face

But he fears them not, and follows the current toward the floor

The cold water cuts at him, creeping up his shoulder blades,

But he carries on, quickening his carefree crawl

His long locks of hair hang low as he lands at the bottom

He lounges in the sand, looking at the life laid out above.

He spots surfboards and spies scuba divers

He watches schools of fish swim across his vision.

He sits with his hands on the sand, smiling at what he sees

Even as from all sides the sea surges against him.

---

A/N: I do not like the last line but idk how to bring poetry to a close ahhh


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar


Points: 263
Reviews: 1

Donate
Thu Feb 20, 2020 4:28 am
literati says...



Just dropping by to say that this is a great poem and I really liked it. Strong choice of words and imagery is on point.




User avatar
111 Reviews


Points: 9075
Reviews: 111

Donate
Thu Feb 20, 2020 3:49 am
tgham99 wrote a review...



The first thing I noticed (and loved) about this poem is the alliteration and assonance. It stood out to me in many lines, but some of my favorites were:

"Quickening his carefree crawl
"Long locks of hair hang low"
"Look at the life laid out"

I'm sure this was intentional, which is why I wanted to point out how well it worked, especially because of how big a role figurative language (specifically imagery ) plays in this particular poem. Loved it 100%%

As for other aspects of the poem, I do think that the poem could end a bit differently, but the way that it is now still works. I'm not even sure why I'm including this in my review because I have no suggestion as to how to change it..

I like the way that you utilize punctuation in this poem; I think the poem reads a lot more smoothly without harsh punctuation to mark the ends of specific images.

I'll probably come back and edit this review later on but hopefully this is at least somewhat helpful in the meantime!! <3




User avatar
514 Reviews


Points: 18361
Reviews: 514

Donate
Thu Feb 20, 2020 3:06 am
Lavvie wrote a review...



Hi there!

The most difficult thing for me when I started writing poetry was clambering out of my prose shell. I've been dedicated to the world of fiction since I could probably pick up a pencil and scribble on a page. It's important to understand that I don't think a good prose writer necessarily translate immediately to a good poet and vice versa. I like this poem because it tells a story, but I think I might be right in guessing that you're a little uncomfortable with poetry? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I can totally relate, as someone who once hated poetry! I think with a few tweaks here and there, you could have a solid narrative piece.

Usually, good narrative poems have some sort of deeper meaning or moral. I noticed that a previous reviewer remarked that they feel the topic of the poem is boring and I have to agree - but only because I don't think you've established a point. In other words, a meaning, moral, or whatever that the reader might glean from everything. When you wrote this, what was your intent? What did you want your audience to experience? Consider also how you felt as you wrote this. Don't be afraid to be experimental. That's the best thing about poetry - you can do almost anything because you aren't confined to the relatively square restrictions of prose. (Sometimes the experiments don't work but, oh well, at least you tried, right?)

I do think your imagery needs to be stronger. Sometimes this requires simplifying your word choice in favour of some really pack-a-punch imagery. Here is a really great article about how to successfully incorporate strong, emotive imagery into your poetry. Remember that in poetry, economy of words is often the better route and it's through well-crafted images that the speaker is able to convey whatever it is they want to convey.

Overall, I'm happy to see a more narrative poem being posted. I think you have something good year and would love to read more and/or help you with revisions, if you're interested! Please keep me posted and continue to poet :)

All the best,
Lav




User avatar
288 Reviews


Points: 18494
Reviews: 288

Donate
Wed Feb 19, 2020 11:58 pm
View Likes
Dossereana says...



I just want to say that I really like this poem great job. :D




User avatar
128 Reviews


Points: 200
Reviews: 128

Donate
Wed Feb 19, 2020 11:48 pm
View Likes
Bullet wrote a review...



Hey, Dougie. I'm gonna take a crack at this.

Overall, the poem isn't bad. You've got good imagery through diction, though it could stand to be stronger. The alliteration throughout the poem is also a nice touch.

My only real qualms with the poem are as follows:

The subject matter seems a bit boring, honestly. This is a just mermaid swimming around and observing things? There's no action, there's no...well, point, really? It feels as though there's no intentional message behind the poem, and as easy as it is to read through, it's not really attention-grabbing.

Which brings me to my second qualm: while the diction is strong, and helped by the alliteration, the imagery just isn't as striking as I feel like it could be. I know you noted it at the end of the poem, but perhaps if the poem had a stronger ending, or more cutthroat imagery throughout, the reader's attention would be better held.

As it is, it's a fine poem, but if it's going to be read at an open mic, I think it could use some spicing up. Maybe he sees something he's unfamiliar with, or something dangerous, or something that otherwise bugs him? Or if he's happy about everything he's seeing, maybe go into more detail about that - how it makes him happy, and why, etc.

I know you are an excellent writer and this poem could go from great to amazing if it gets beefed up a little. Otherwise, though, it's perfectly pleasant as it is.

If you wanna spitball some ideas with me, just let me know.

Keep writing,

Z.




User avatar


Points: 62
Reviews: 2

Donate
Wed Feb 19, 2020 11:04 pm
View Likes
GoatQueen says...



This is great! I appreciate your strong word choice and this creates a great image in my mind!





Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
— Mark Twain