The water rippled around Dannel's swimming cap in a sweeping bow wave. It thundered in his ears as he surged towards the far end of the pool. With each stroke of front crawl he flew forward almost on top of the water's surface. His chest was burning but he powered on, reaching the halfway point on his last length of the night. A few more seconds and the green and blue mosaic wall came suddenly into sight. His breath sounded ragged when he twisted his head to the side to gulp in more oxygen but he sped up his kicking to an almost manic pace. His right hand latched onto the edge of the wall and the last of his breath exploded from his lungs.
"Fifty-nine point two seconds." His coach, Aaron, grinned and gave him a thumbs up. "You broke the minute."
Dannel splashed his fist triumphantly into the water and smiled out at the other end of the pool, from which he'd begun his last length of the hundred metres a little under fifteen seconds ago. Now, if he could just reproduce the same result in an official race event.
"Congratulations!" spluttered Holly Martin. She was treading water in the lane to his right, leaning on the lane rope.
"Thanks," he murmured.
She probably hadn't heard him but he didn't have the energy to repeat himself louder. Holly was already peeling off her cap. Her strawberry-blonde hair was long even in the plait and her face was dotted with a smattering of ginger freckles. Dannel found himself smiling at her, for absolutely no reason. He nodded and turned back to his coach.
"Do you think you can do that for me on Sunday, Dannel?" Aaron asked.
Dannel hauled himself out of the pool and stood up to his full height. He still only came up to Aaron's shoulder. To be fair, Dannel was only fourteen. Aaron was closer to forty. He'd catch him yet.
"I'll try," he promised.
Aaron clapped him on the shoulder and wished him luck. Dannel, still grinning slightly, ambled expertly across the slippery tiles towards the shower ring at the side of the pool. The bank of ten or so showers constantly alternated between lukewarm and unbearably scalding. Dannel tentatively eased the left-most shower handle down towards the floor and, figuring that it was as close to perfect temperature as he was likely to get, shuffled under the weak pitter-patter of water.
He gazed around the swimming pool that over the past few years had become his second favourite place on Tayfir, his first being his bedroom at home. The twenty-five metre pool was at the centre of the immense room. The showers were huddled a few metres away from the far left corner when you entered. To the right of the main pool was a leisure pool and to the left was a towering spectators' gallery.
Finally, after the end of the main pool was a circular baby pool with optional jacuzzi. Dannel smiled as he watched the late-working mothers playing with their children in it. At seven o'clock on a Wednesday night, that was pretty much all who were left, except for the club swimmers of course. Wednesday nights were Elite-only so there were at most seven swimmers in the pool at any one time.
That night, what with the schools being out, there were a total of three amateur swimmers training during the two hour time slot for which the club had booked the pool. Josie Francis - a thirteen-year-old back-stroker and Dannel's fellow teen prodigy - had left half an hour ago so Dannel and Holly were the only ones left. Josie somehow managed to excel in both sport and academia, a balance that Dannel had struggled to strike over the past year. Josie was two years ahead of her age group and as a result had some sort of test or exam almost every three days. Dannel knew she wasn't particularly arrogant or condescending but he still found her incredibly intimidating to chit-chat with.
As Dannel massaged his anti-dandruff shampoo into his scalp, he watched fondly as Aaron mimed breastroke to teach Holly some fine point about rhythm that would be utterly incomprehensible if you weren't used to speaking to him four nights a week. He had a habit of adding syllables to the ends of words when he was teaching, making things into adjectives with a -y or into verbs with an -ing.
Dannel sighed contentedly as he closed his eyes and rinsed the shampoo out of his shoulder-length brown hair. When he reopened his eyes, he was startled by the sudden appearance of Holly standing less than a metre in front of him.
"Congrats!" she exlaimed, "Aaron was just telling me that you're the first under sixteen to break the minute mark for one hundred metres freestyle in all of Manarilde's history."
"Really?" Dannel replied, "I had no idea. Oh and um, thank you!"
"I didn't come anywhere close when I was your age," said Holly.
Dannel flinched at the reminder that Holly he was three whole years younger than Holly. He knew when he grew up three years wouldn't be much of a difference but at the moment the age gap felt at least a decade larger.
"What's your PB again?" Dannel asked as Holly swooped gracefully into the shower beside his.
"One oh eight point seven." Holly sighed half-heartedly. "I'm getting there. But hey, what about you? Can you imagine your name in the lights of the scoreboard yet? Picture that, the little orange dot next to your name in block capitals. And the winner is: Dannel Ipsen!"
Dannel imitated Holly's booming voice and added, "And gold in the women's two hundred metres breastroke goes to: Hollipena Rinerty!"
"I will do my best to honour your faith in me," Holly replied gravely, then giggled.
Dannel smiled and nodded. He was about to reply with a mangled compliment that would doubtless end up offending her, when he spotted a chubby green figure about a foot in height. It was sneaking towards Holly's ankles, a mischevious look on its devilish face.
"Teersin!" Dannel snapped.
Teersin frowned and teleported to its perch on Dannel's shoulder, shrinking down to three inches high so he didn't fall off. He was a pot-bellied ember imp demon, popular amongst Tayfirran teens for its ease of maintenance and willingness to submit to a master's will in exchange for very little energy. Plus, they were cute.
"Must you always ruin my fun?" Teersin muttered.
Teersin was a bipedal imp with rough skin the colour of an avocado. His limbs were spindly and his cheeks were angular but his belly was round and his eyes were wide and bright. At the moment he was only slightly taller than the length of Dannel's finger but he could shoot up to almost double Dannel's height - only for a few seconds and it took it at least a megajoule of human-demon energy. His features were sharp but his voice was so high-pitched that not even the most sensitive of children could ever be frightened of him. There was also a black pock-mark above the bridge of his nose that was the port-point for inwards and outwards flow of demon energy.
"Hiya, Teersin," Holly greeted.
"Hollipena," Teersin replied bitterly, which sounded absurd since he had the voice register of a six-year-old.
"Aw, what's the matter, Teery?" Holly cooed.
"Don't you 'aw' me, Holly!" Teersin exclaimed, "By your reckoning I am six hundred years old! I am not a baby."
"Yes you are," Dannel argued, "Pykil told my father. He says that your species live til they're tens of thousands of years old. You's a wittle baby-waby!"
"Pykil is a Pythius demon," Teersin pouted, "His entire classification is titled 'Liar Demon'."
Pykil was the demon bound to Dannel's father, Frederict. They'd been bound together when Frederict was eighteen, as was tradition on Tayfir, the giant land mass that took up most of the surface of the world. Pykil was an insufferable, arrogant liar but he was loyal and trustworthy and had stood by Frederict for over twenty-five years.
Still, Dannel would never trade Teersin for that oaf.
"You's a baby-waby!" Dannel insisted. He reached up to tickle the nape of Teersin's neck but gave up when he realised that Treesin had materialised in far too small a form to be petted. He wondered if that was on purpose. Teersin was not fond of being treated like a pet.
"Are you done here?" Teersin grumbled.
"Yeah." Dannel murmured, "Just dry me and I'll go get dressed."
Teersin sprang from Dannel's shoulder and morphed spiky orange wings at the top of his jump's arc. He hovered a foot from Dannel's face, level with his eyes.
"Give me the energy," he demanded.
Dannel rolled his eyes. "I topped you up this morning."
"Fine," Teersin muttered. He fizzed with energy and his torso slowly turned the bronze of its wings. His entire form began to shudder and expand until it reached a point of maximum tension and the energy sprang out of his body towards Dannel. Great swirls of ethereal bronze wrapped around Dannel and fizzed against his skin. After roughly four seconds, the flow of energy abruptly ceased and the bronze vanished completely.
"Thanks, Teersin." Dannel smiled. He was now completely dry other than his feet which were still planted firmly on the sodden floor.
"Don't mention it," Teersin grumbled.
"Uh-huh." Dannel grinned and rolled his eyes. "Come on. Let's go home. See ya, Holly."
Holly gave him a mock-salute which he firmly decided not to return because there was no way he could perform it anywhere near as smoothly as her. Holly lathered her flowing blonde hair in shampoo and tipped her head back to rinse it out. She closed her eyes so the shampoo wouldn't get into them. He took this as his cue to leave.
"Yeah, time to go home," he whispered to himself.
As soon as they'd crossed the threshold into the changing village, Teersin fluttered from a spot near Dannel's shoulder to a spot directly in front of him.
"You realise that it's never going to happen with her." Teersin didn't leave any room for debate.
Dannel prepared a comeback but only sighed and hung his head. He shoved Teersin out of the way and trudged on to the changing village.
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Heya, Scot! Casanova here to do a review for you!
Anyway, I have to say, wow. I actually really enjoyed this! I have a few things I'd like to talk about pertaining to it.
Number one- characters. I find that Dannel seems to be a bit... not easy to get along with? Well, really I'm trying to say that he's quiet and seems like the loner type- not easy to connect to on a sports team, if that makes any sense. But I do like the character, so props for that!
The next thing, about characters, is the charisma between Dannel and Holly. From my point of view, so far, it seems as if Dannel might have a thing for Holly. I got this by his reaction to remembering there was three years between them, that and how they talked to one another. So my question is- DOES HE? Will I find out in a later chapter? And if he does, does she have the same feelings? I may be reading too much into it- but romance is my thing. I love it. Anyway, onward.
The next thing is plot. You don't seem to have much here plot wise, and I can see this going a bit farther than it did. You basically keep to the same area, and we don't really get a feel of the main character outside of it, which I would like to see. What I mean is- make more happen! Not in the same amount of words, but let it evolve naturally, I guess.
Anyway, overall I think you have a good plot idea that could use some work, along with some pretty good characters. Also- ROMANCE. Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one, and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Your friend, Matt
Ooh, ah, ooh! You continue to impress, my friend. I quite enjoyed this first chapter. Having read the fourth chapter before this, I thought that Dannel would gain the imp, not already have him, at the beginning. However, you have again written things in a rather professional, natural way. Well-done. I can't think of any complaints other than that it was hard to understand what Dannel was doing in the water until you mentioned there being a pool. Regardless, this was fantastic! Also, I am fond of your description and the way you present your characters. They have a lot of personality and feel rather plausible. I hope you finish chapter 2 to your satisfaction soon so that I may read it.
thank you! You may have found the wrong chapter 2. There is an unfinished version up there that I can't figure out how to take down but the finished chapter 2 is there somewhere.
All right. Would post a link as a reply?
Binding Blood - Chapter 2 I actually have some doubts about something I added since it was last reviews. I won't tell you what it is in case that influences you but it'll be good to see if you notice it. Put it this way, I am on the look-out for info-dumping.

Thanks for the support
Hello!
This is very sudden. We have no clue who she is, and we have no sense of Dannel looking up to see her, or that she just got there, but that she's been sitting there the whole time as something like a furnishing. Something else might read (not perfect but you get the idea):First of all, I find this chapter intriguing and definitely worth my while to read. It's curious, and it piques that spot in the human soul where curiosity meets the absolute need to know more about the backstory and the forward-story as far as characters and plot are concerned.
However, there are a few nitpicks to be had. First off:
This just sounds awkward and choppy. Cut the sentences, or mix them together so they sound more like a coherent thought than something out of a See Spot Run book.
You have a lot of spots where you've missed commas between clauses or phrases. These are imperative for the smooth reading of such sentences as: Without the comma, it just sounds like a breathless exclamation of soDannelandHollyweretheonlyonesleft.
Where do we see this? Interesting character quirk, but make sure you actually show it, or else I'm just going to take it that we have an unreliable narrator and call it false.
There's hardly any characterization, and Dannel sounds like an emotionless statue while Holly is one of those dolls where you pull the string and she says a random phrase -- except less so, because it's a fact, not even a statement or opinion. Yes, it has its place in the story, but it doesn't sound like something people would actually say. Work it in better.
And we're infodumping at breakneck speeds here, people. I have a problem with this section mostly because it's nothing but information -- you don't break it up with characterization or action or dialogue, it's just a straight 120 words of information. In a normal novel format, that would be about half a page, maybe a little less. This is a quick way to bore the reader, and a quicker way to get them frustrated at your writing style.
I know he's 14 and silly and teasing, but right here it sounds like he's 4 and actually insistent on this. Make sure you show your characterization in the text. Please.
Also not something your average -- especially academically average -- 14-year-old guy would be saying. Watch out for things like this. They look cool, but if you're going for a deeper POV, they definitely don't work if you're going to have them on the same pages as phrases such as: (By the way, that entire paragraph with that latter line in it is repetitive and honestly a little redundant when it comes down to it. Same as I said with the choppy sentences before: cut it, or mix it up a little.)
Also, is it just me, or does "Hollipena" look kinda like "penis"?
This ended up a little longer than I'd intended. I don't mean to say that this is bad -- it's interesting! -- but it could definitely use work. (So could everything else, trust me.)
Thanks for the review. It's funny, you can read chapters a dozen times and still not see things until other people point them out. So thank you for pointing these things out. These are all pretty specific things so I could edit before continuing, or just keep running. Hm, what do you think? Finish then edit, or edit edit edit?
No problem! A fresh pair of eyes is always good when it comes to editing.
I would honestly say to finish and then edit, because you have no clue what could come ahead in your development of style and your personal tone for this story -- let alone the plot!
Ok, thanks again
Hi Biscuits!
So I have adopted your novel! I hope that the feedback I give now and in the future can be beneficial to your writing... although you seem to have a pretty good chapter here already, which means there isn't too much to comment on that Noelle or other reviewers haven't already covered! I will do my best to add something new to the mix.
First off, I have to say I loved how you started with the swimming. For all we know he could've been chased by something, or some other form of action. I liked how he was just in a pool during training in the end. On top of that, I was a little surprised when Teersin the imp jumped into the story and started doing all these super cool things. I like the way you kind of made this fantasy novel start off normal and then gradually inserted the fantasy elements. As well as them using nicknames with each other that make them seem like pretty normal names. It all works so well together.
One thing I noticed is that you give us a pretty long description of the swimming pool area. As I was reading it I realized how long that part is and couldn't help wondering if we were really going to need all this information. I don't doubt Dannel will be spending a lot of time at the pool, and yet it seemed a bit long winded. A way of keeping all that description in there and keeping it interesting would be to break up the description into smaller bits. Dialogue would help or his own actions. Does Dannel notice a little child slip up in the pool with the late working mothers and thinks for a brief moment about what his first experience in water must've been like? Or maybe elaborate a bit more when we hear the name Josie Francis. That way we're not getting a big chunk of description that will bore us.
Small nitpick (and the only one I could find, pretty much) but you need a comma after the word 'forward'.
I feel like murmured is the wrong word to use here. At first this gave me the impression that Dannel didn't like Holly because even in this happy moment he sounds glum when talking to her. But if he's taking all this happiness in his stride and talking to someone he likes, he would probably still sound happy and not change his tone. Murmured makes it seem like he's changing his tone. So maybe just said would work or something else?
I wonder why Teersin was grumpy in the first place? It doesn't seem like there was any reason for him to be grumpy. Maybe it's because the prank he was about to pull on Holly was foiled, or because it's in his nature to be generally grumpy. This is something the reader doesn't know, though, so make sure you mention it for us.
I don't have much more to say a part from this. I look forward to seeing the world outside of the swimming pool and seeing how it is different from the norm. And where this story is going to go plotwise. I guess I will keep reading
Deanie x
Hi there!
I think you could be a bit more specific with this sentence. Why exactly are the schools out? The problem I have here is that it's written so that it seems like we already know this information, but really we don't. Is it a big deal? No. But I do think it's important. This goes under the category of clarification. You want to make sure that your readers understand exactly what's going, minus the information that they're not supposed to know yet. Does that make sense? I feel like I was just rambling on...
I don't know how I feel about this sentence. I understand where you're going with the part about it feeling like twelve years instead of three, but I feel like you could've worded it differently. Because really, there's no such thing as teenage years and adult years. All years are the same. And although I know you just used that to represent Dannel's feelings, it's a bit strange when you read it. Instead you can just mention how Holly is only three years older than Dannel, but it feels like so much more.
Just like the other reviewers here, I was genuinely surprised when the imp entered the story. Of course, I knew that it was a fantasy novel, but I didn't know what kind of fantasy world it would take place in. We get a hint earlier on when you mention that the pool is Dannel's second favorite place in Tayfir, which is most definitely not Earth. I think you did well to introduce the world this way. I mean, who tries to beat their PB in swimming while thinking about the world they live in? No one, that's who. So of course you had to introduce the world some other way, and the way you did it is great.
Now, this is just something that I want to point out so you can think about it. Feel free to ignore my advice here. I think that Teersin should have a gender. Here you refer to Teersin as 'it', which is a bit strange to be honest. Even though he (I'm just giving a pronoun here so I don't confuse myself) is an imp, which might not have a gender in you world, it'll be easier to keep track of him. Pronouns are your friend. It's nice to be able to use "he said" and "he thought" instead of always having to use the character's name. But you've set yourself up here by not introducing Teersin with a gender. He's just an it, which will be a bit confusing later on when you try to say "it said". You go about having to use Teersin's name in the dialogue tag each time he speaks. That can get a bit annoying.
To continue the discussion about Teersin:
Here you say "he demanded". So Teersin is indeed a 'he'. Why don't you mention that in the last quote I pulled out? Instead of saying "Its limbs were spindly" say "His limbs were spindly". This will save you a lot of trouble down the road as you continue writing this novel.
You definitely have an interesting first chapter here. And I mean that in the best way! I was thoroughly interested in the whole idea and I enjoyed reading it. There's really only one or two signs of a fantasy world in here, which I like. We're not thrown into this new world right away and overwhelmed with all of this knowledge about it. That'll come a bit later on, which I like.
I do wish you would've spent a bit more time focusing on your characters though. I feel like I know Dannel and Holly fairly well, but then you mentioned someone named Josie Francis just in passing. Is Josie super important to the events of this chapter? Maybe not, but she is definitely important to Dannel because she's mentioned here. You should probably mention a little something about her just so we understand why she's mentioned.
I really like your descriptions in this chapter. I feel like I know exactly what everything looks like and I get a clear image in my mind. Especially with Teersin. Unlike MissGanga below me, I thought the description was fine, especially with this being the first chapter and all. I'm sure later on you will develop Teersin more and we will get to know more about him. Once we understand more about imps in general, we'll understand about Teersin. So for the first chapter, it's good. But definitely keep up developing him in later chapters.
Along those lines, I hope that we get a look at Tayfir fairly soon. The one thing you want to make sure you do with fantasy worlds is introduce them early and well. I hope to start learning more about this world in the next chapter. If not, the third chapter. As I've mentioned a few times in this review, you don't want to over do it with the information. We'd like to know what's going on, but at the same time, we get overwhelmed with a lot of information. Readers are so hard to please xD
Looking forward to seeing what happens after this! Let me know when the next chapter is out
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
First of all, MissGanga mentioned description a while ago and I've updated since. Thank you for your advice. So far on this chapter it has all been really specific and it makes it very easy to edit. Also, do you think Dannel is an Ok name? I don't want to go into why it's so similar to an Earth name but I just want to make sure it isn't annoying.
Ah, that's why I disagreed with them xD I think Dannel is a good name. It reminds me of the name Daniel, but it's definitely distinct.
Ok thanks. I'm going into Glasgow in a few minutes but after that I'll write the rest of chapter two (I'm about halfway through)
Oh also when I was writing the next chapter I kept accidentally calling Teersin 'he' and changing it. I think I'll just change it all to male
I was also rather surprised at the fantasy element even though I read the chapter summary haha. It just like 'Daniel's having a swim and ooh look, an imp.' Not that that's a bad thing, it was just a surprise. Because then I thought it was going to be one of those novels where the main character has a special gift so maybe Daniel was the only one that could see it but then Holly started talking to it so I was obviously wrong.

I am intrigued as to where this story goes and what type of world it is based in because, from this chapter, everything seems rather normal (minus the pet imps)
This is wonderfully written but I think there needs to be a little more description of Teersin, as I couldn't picture it. All I saw was a green blob with a face in my mind. Try comparing it to things to give a better visual picture but I know it's hard describing fantasy creatures =/
Please let me know when the next chapter's up
Yay I was hoping someone would ask to be notified about the next chapter
thank you for your very specific criticism! I will add some description of it then get states on chapter 2 
I was very surprised to find out that this was a fantasy story. Granted, I should have taken a look at the genre but that's besides the point. I don't usually get into fantasy but the characters were lovable right off the bat. I can't wait to see where you take this story!

A few suggestions, however. At some points, it seemed as though the story was being recited to me in standard language, such as, "Wednesday nights were Elite-only, though, so there were at most seven swimmers in the pool at any one time." Perhaps of you were to eliminate "though" from the sentence, it would seem like a more formal style of writing.
I was also slightly confused as to who some of the characters were like Josie Francis and Pykil. I might be speaking too soon bed a use you just might go more in depth about these characters in the next chapter.
For some reason, the character Teersin reminds me of Toothless from How to Train Your Dragon. Don't ask me why because Teersin is not a dragon but that's the image that my mind conjured up. Lol!
Keep writing! I loved it!
Thank you! I'll make these edits at school today
Hi, I'm working on adding a little bit about the two characters I mentioned. I was wondering if you think this is an okay sentence:

"Josie Francis - a thirteen-year-old back-stroker and Dannel's fellow teen prodigy - had left half an hour ago so Dannel and Holly were the only ones left."
I don't want to say too much or I'm worried I'll go off on a tangent but I think you were right that I should say something about them. Here is Pykil's description:
"Pykil was the demon bound to Dannel's father, Frederict. They'd been bound together when Frederict was eighteen, as was tradition on Tayfir, the giant land mass that took up most of the surface of the world. Pykil was an insufferable, arrogant liar but he was loyal and trustworthy and had stood by Frederict for over twenty-five years.
Still, Dannel would never trade Teersin for that oaf."
Also, would you mind clicking 'like'? It helps with exposure and well, makes me feel good
Interesting little piece. I'd like to see where the story goes, or where the conflict happens, but for right now this is a pretty good first chapter.
I'm curious, is this a fantasy setting or an alternate universe? I'm trying to ascertain where or what Tayfir is.
*mysterious voice* all will be revealed...