Young Writers Society

i agree with wisemann210..um...three...

just listen to him and you'll be fine.
this was a great, abstract way of looking at everything....



great work!


-GC10

ok i really like the first line Stainless steel bars assigned in black coloring – eyelashes. I thought that was a really good introduction to the piece and i thought it was quite clearly written but i do agree with the points that wisemann210 mande when he said about the crying and saliva bit. and also:
it interupted. doesn't sound right think about the choice of words again here.
but otherwise it was a very good poem. Well done.

Stainless steel bars assigned in black coloring – eyelashes.-- good way of describing eye lashes

Feathery lids in forms of strong steel close in on its devil–unknown.

Powered-up solely, with its firm concerned purified strength,

Forming a tight blockade, to protect the keepers honored pride–tear --- i don't think you need a ,





They moisturize–melt, upon the sword of sorrow;

Leaving the keeper to run through the hallway of weak honor

To discover another extinguisher–strength; --- [b]no ;

To put out, it’s escaping lava–saliva.-- [b]if your crying why would it be saliva?




Cloudy puffs of dehydrated pride cast upon the fire of sadness

Forcing down the push of cold lava,

Leaving but, a feather to glide through the space less darkened air; no ;

Down past existence it glides, in form of vivid sly air --- vivid is a wrong choice of words i think

To the shaking ground of the keepers own melting heart





It lay in the core

The keeper lay in his feet

Its corruption plays in a musical form of beat,

The beat echoing through deeply;





As the music gets louder with the sound of its deviling popping

The bars began melting slowly, but the haste of music was deriving

It gathered up every ounce of Hatred

Every feeling of concealed Sadness

And It Irrupted. irrupted sounds weird here





The keepers’ eyes burst with the touch of melting tears

Every second of this hell was all because of blotted out greed

Ne’er should he had stored it all inside,

He should have thrown those tears long ago, aside! this is a fragment it stops the flow a little


[The shriek of the keepers’ lips,

The dripping of molten tears

The popping in the heart

Played a new melody] ~

over all i like it it wasn't anything phenomenal but i like it

keep writing
---Jon---