Escape

It's a great poem, but it doesn't really get across what you intend it to. Since it was put under the romantic category, I can see what the poem means but it doesn't really seem to have the feeling put into it. It is vague and incomplete. (Sorry to be blunt) I would like to suggest that as you continue to write, put some feeling into your words and choose certain words for a reason. Like the word warmth. This word seems to bring in the beginnings of the conflicted emotions someone would feel in this situation especially when combined with the phrase "cold reality." However, the situation itself seems a little confusing. Did this character break up? Did the one they love die? And as your title, what does escape mean when in comparison with the conflict of the poem? With a few more lines expressing both feeling and conflict this poem shows great potential. With a little more thought, the romance that is introduced in your poem could turn into a complicated and thought-inducing read.

Hey there, Buzz here to review!

Welcome to YWS! first and foremost. I think you had an interesting concept and idea for this poem and since it's your first poem I see some slight adjustments you need to make to this, so I'll give you some suggestions.

"After all is said and done -
dreaming the warmth of how it was,
and waking to the cold reality of how it is -
this will be my torture."

i felt like this poem, even being short was very vague and could be confusing. I don't think you said enough for the reader to understand what you're trying to convey, with short poems, because their short they have to be effective and simple to get the message straight away. A short poem doesn't always have to be deep and meaningful and I think that's the route you were going for.

The dash wasn't very necessary, a comma would have been fine.
"dreaming of how the warmth was" also makes more sense. I also wish you elaborated more on the "torture" you felt it could have been very powerful. In a sense this poem feels like the end of a poem, where we've had a bit more information before hand so it related to previous stanzas.

Overall a nice poem with plenty of potential just work on it a bit more and I'm sure it'll be great. Keep writing!

-Buzz

Hello. Molly here to review. To start, in the third line instead of that hyphen at the end I'd recommend a semicolon. The poem had a lot of depth- maybe too much. You seemed to be looking for the classic deep intense poem, but that only made it confusing. The topic of your poem seemed to change, unless my understanding is incorrect. I like that it doesn't rhyme though, because most mainstream poems have rhyme. Overall all it was ok. Keep trying, it has a lot of potential!

Keep writing!
Funky on the floor-
Molly

Hello. I'm going to review

Hi I'm candrew. That was really good. One thing I did notice though is that you put this as romantic. I was Just wondering if there was something in your reality that was romantic but also torture. Otherwise it was really good and I hope I have the privilege to read more of your poems. Keep writing.

Hi Evolies (Lovely name, btdubs),

I am assuming that this is your attempt for the short poem November contest! I appreciate your use of the hyphens; however, your grammar is slightly off. I understand that you are trying to manipulate the English language in order to acquaint with the character limits, but let's revise a little bit, shall we?

The biggest issue in your poem is the second line:

"dreaming the warmth of how it was"

There is some good news: You can make this even shorter! You kinda misused the preposition phrases in this case, you don't need them at all. I think you need to revise this line especially.
Also, I don't think dreaming is the verb you want to use. It is too weak and too used of a verb and restricts the strength of your poem. "Reminiscing old warmth" or what about "Missing an extinguished flame" ?

Also, change the word cold. You need to take advantage of diction (word choice) as an author! Try substituting "cold" with frigid, or any other word except cold!

You also make great use of juxtaposition with "warmth" and "cold" so just a warning, to not let this idea go.

The phrase "this will be my torture" is also sort of weak. Why not try personifying Torture? Portray it as something inescapable, inevitable.

You have a good idea, keep working on it!
Keep Writing!
-Sbitonti

Hi! Crystal here to review!! By the way welcome to Young Writers Society!!!!! This is what I thought of this poem of yours Newbie!

I liked this poem because I could feel the sadness and understand what you meant BUT I think it would have been much easier to read like this:
After it all is said and done
dreaming of the warmth of how it was,
and when I wake seeing how cold it really was
This was my torture.

Maybe this is just how I would do it, after all this is YOUR poem not MINE. So I'm just telling you that's how I would. Just saying. Anyway this was wonderful! Again I could feel the emotion that you have described exactly in a way that makes the reader feel it. Hopefully you enjoy your time here at YWS AND keep writing! 'Cause I want to read more from YOU!
Hope this helps Evolies!
Peace out! ~CrystalPony21