Murder is always something that will haunt your dreams. The guilt. The pain. Yet there anguish fascinates me, screaming out for pain struggling but knowing they cannot escape. The danger of safety, they think their fine nothing’s going to hurt them but their wrong their all wrong.
But your death I can’t shake of, I have killed others but you…. I can’t stop thinking about you, your determination to life, and when it was cut short by a sharp piece of metal. How can it be that my hands can carry a new-born child yet is also responsible for the death of a man.
The rain dripped down my guilt ridden face as I shovelled the dirt over the body blood pouring out of the once closed wounds. They used to say if the killer came by the victim the wounds to start to bleed, and I guess it’s true. I used to think that there would be no death in this peaceful land but I was wrong, like I was wrong about so many things. As The last bit of dirt came over the body I checked my watched. Midnight, ironic isn’t it, a once smart peaceful girl burying a body killed by her own hands. “I better be getting back , my mom doesn’t like me going back when its dark… murders , muggers huh.”
As I walked home it was like a perfect horror scene , lights flickering , pitch black. “god it’s cold”, I stumbled over a rock making the knife drop out of my pocket.,I panicked shoving the knife back into my pocket refilling my mind of the pain and murder. I got up and brushed myself off, As blood mysteriously trickled down my stomach, I fell to the floor, I tried to scream yet no noise came out. I blacked out voices screaming, chanting calling me names, I recognized the voice… The girl. The girl I killed. I could recognize it , but this time the screaming was louder and pierced my ears.
The next time I woke up it was still dark, but silent. Hell I was in hell but my fear wasn't torture and pain , I have already been through that, it was silence no one being there. I thought back to the people we where , the friendship we had.
I had known her all my life she was my friend, i cared for her like my sister never letting her get hurt. I didn't want to hurt her but they told me to they said they would go away, but they're still here they lied, there here now. I remember the day it happened it was a miserable foggy day.
I phoned her in the morning to meet me at the park, 7 rings but no answer just a stupid answer phone "Hi sorry i cant answer , hugging pandas". I couldn't bring myself to do it to ring her again, to think i was going to kill her i couldn't listen to the answer phone again, to hear her voice how she was happy . I placed the phone down on the mahogany desk. I'll go round her house ,she thought. I picked up my coat and crept down stairs not wanting to wake up my father, he would punish me. I looked over to the cupboard in fear. I went to the kitchen and grabbed the knife, it felt heavy in my hand,i tried to hide it away in my pocket but i couldn't, it was like my head wanted to kill her but my body was the only thing stopping me. I needed to kill her they had to go away, they had to.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi, Cheetah here, ready to review your piece!
This is very well-described. I liked the way you spaced out your scenes- nothing happened to fast or too slow.
There was a small error that I found in the second to last paragraph. In the sentence "i remember the day it happened it was a miserable and foggy day." It would sound better and not as run-together if you had a period between the "happened"and the "it".
One thing I didn't get is when she's phoning her friend. What does "hugging pandas" mean? Also, since someone is talking here, you should probably make a new paragraph at that point.
Other than that, this looks great! Good job and keep writing!
Okay thank you for the tips the hugging pandas is her voicemail.
Got it. Thanks for the clarification!
Hello zombiekitten, I thought this sounded like an interesting story so I though I'd read it. It's very creepy and I kept reading because I wanted to know what would happen to this girl who used to be innocent but had inexplicably murdered a man. I like the concept a lot and you could really flesh this story out a lot more. Try going in depth and giving a little more background on the main character, her past, and the victim. You could really make a great story if you added more detail!
I'd like to read more if you'd be willing to write more!
One thing that was distracting, though, was the amount of grammatical errors. (Writing "of" instead of "off", "there" instead of "their" and "they're", etc.) If you edited those mistakes it would help your audience a lot. I suggest you revise this short story and post it again because it really looks promising
Thank you for the advice, i am not to good with grammar, so hopefully it will get better with my tutor.
I really didn't like this story. I thought it was okay. The grammar errors really screwed me up. When you are using a possessive "there" it is "their". For example "Their screams" or "Their hands" or "Their candy" etc. etc. You have so many grammar errors that I don't have time to point them all out.
Another thing, this line
It was very jolting. From your description, I had been under the impression the the murderer was by a man. So I was confused by the title and furthermore by this line. Also, first the character whether it be a man or a girl was checking her watch. How did you go from noting the time to irony of the situation? Also, why did the main character kill the little girl to begin with? Why does she feel guilty? Also, we have no description of the main character to discern his/her gender, age, appearance, etc.
The third paragraph makes up about one third of your story. It makes no sense to me. I have no idea what is happening, or what is going on. Is the murderer dying or being mugged or what? You go from describing this girl's feelings to action. You have no transition, and it was very jolting.
While I didn't like this story, I have to acknowledge that there were good things. Your descriptions of everything else were pretty good, and you have a tone to the story that is very fitting to the situation. I think the story would've been better if there had actually been more of it. I hope this helped, and I did not mean to be rude or mean. Please don't take any of this personally, it is just stuff you need to improve on
Thank you for the review, this was a new type of writing i was trying out and i will be trying to improve it.
Well, hello! My name is Deifyance and I'll be reviewing your short, creepy piece.
I like your style. You have a certain flow to your words that I really enjoy, even in such a disturbing piece such as this.
I'll skip over the grammar problems.
There should be their in a lot of cases. Some misspelled words. Just take care of those as soon as possible, they bring the reader out of the story.
Onward! I felt like I was in a Night Before Christmas story most of the time. Which is good! It had the dark creepy ominous tone. You take us right into the killers head, and we feel very uncomfortable. We connect with the character but at the same time we want something to happen to her because of her being vile.
I felt like this was a very solid foundation for a very good short, ultra-creepy story. I'm a little disturbed that a thirteen-year-old would write something like this. But, what happens, happens!
The ending was extraordinary! The pay off to the set up is beautifully crafted, it feels like a good solid end. I kind of wanted it to happen, and I kind of don't. It gave me the feeling of closure.
So, I would recommend proofreading, and if you aren't very talented at grammar (I was ultra-terrible when I was younger,) have someone who is proofread it. I would go through and change some of the words to give it more of that dark feeling.
I would change when she says: 'crap.' It doesn't seem to flow well. Maybe get rid of it all together, and just show us that she was surprised. Maybe she picks the knife up hurriedly and quickly looks around to see if anyone saw. That would give us the impression she was uncomfortable with the mishap and would keep the tone flowing.
If you do go back over this, make sure to send me the link! I would love to go over it again!
Blessings!
Thank you for this review, i will be improving this as soon as i can , and i'm glad you liked it.