Amelia and Ryan were excited today because today their parents decided to go to a local amusement park. “What kinds of foods will they have there, dad?” Ryan asked in a big toothy grin. “Well… they have corndogs, cotton candy, ice cream, and cheeseburgers.” their dad replied. The siblings squealed at the thought of ice cream. Soon enough Amelia and Ryan were at the amusement park with their parents. The two giggling siblings quickly dragged their parents to the ticket counter. Once they got their tickets Amelia and Ryan rushed in front of their parents. They were in awe of all the rides and games and of course the food vendors! Their parents then finally caught up to the speedy siblings. “Well, what should we do first?” their mom asked wearily. “Go on the rollercoaster!” exclaimed Amelia. “Get some food, I’m hungry!” groaned Ryan. “I know. We can have some early lunch and then go on the rollercoaster.” their dad said with a smile. While eating their after-sandwich donuts Amelia had gotten distracted watching the rollercoaster, so distracted she didn’t even notice when Ryan had eaten all of her donuts! Ryan smirked as he ate the last donut in one big bite. Afterwards before going on the rollercoaster Ryan begged their parents to get him a cotton candy, which they did… after he and his sister had begun to cry. Then finally they went in line for the rollercoaster. In the line were crying children, chattering teenagers, and tired parents. After waiting a few minutes Ryan, Amelia and their parents got on the rollercoaster. At first, it was a slow upward climb but then the steep drop came. Amelia and Ryan screamed, but they were screaming different things. “WAHOOO!!” was Amelia’s call but “I FEEL SICK!” was Ryan’s call. Soon they were at the first loop, Amelia looked at her brother whose face had become a sickly pale green, and he had his left hand on his mouth. Amelia gasped and was panicked. She didn’t know what to do! Finally, they reached the loop and Ryan looked sicker than ever. Then came the second loop, after they passed it, Ryan vomited. His sister wailed (mostly about how her pretty shoes were now ruined) and Ryan’s eyes started welling with tears. He was so embarrassed and all the emotions overwhelmed him. Their parents quickly came as soon as the ride was over to comfort them. During the ride Ryan had barfed four times. After their mom and dad cleaned the siblings up, they asked the siblings if they wanted to continue at the amusement park. Amelia quickly said “yes.” Ryan, however stayed silent, the only sound coming from him was his sniffing snot filled nose. The parents decided they could play one last game at the amusement park and then go home. Ryan had cheered up after winning a giant tiger plushie. The family then all smiled and went back to their car and then after that… home.
THE END
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141,397 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
Heyo! I said i'd review this so here I am!
Getting into this I saw a few things. First off, dialogue punctuation. Dialogue is hard. I spent over a year writing it wrong and then I had to go back and fix it... Essentially, each new set of dialogue gets it's own line. So instead of
It should be,
I see Aislynn gave you a really nice resource for that. So i'll leave it to her.
BUT! Into the good stuff.
I really love the chaotic sibling energy. Their excitement hooks you and you know this can't stay so good forever. The details creates the scene and you feel like you're in the moment there. Intro is pretty good!
Ah yes. This is so real to how these trips go. The exhausted parents giving in after the children begin to cry. And the distraction? Spot on. Amelia sees something she can't wait to go on and she's immediately distracted. And the little brother takes advantage and eats the donuts. Step one of the imminent disaster, check.
The detail in this first sentence is really good. You're there with them. I do think you could add a bit more detail with how the rollercoaster started. Sensory details, what the kids looked like. All that.
Yes! This is it. The climax.
And it's happened. All the sweet treats have taken their toll. There's just two little things here.
1. Was panicked is a little weirdly worded. I'd make it "Amelia panicked."
2. We already know Ryan was full of emotions. The last part of that sentence is a little redundant. I'd cut it.
I think you could expand on this and show the actual conversation. It's rather crucial to the ending.
Same here. I'd expand on it.
Overall, super good. It's got a few things to fix and it'll be super good!
Keep on living and writing,
AJ
Hey, EveryUsernameTaken!
I really enjoyed how much energy this story has! Right away, Amelia and Ryan feel excited, and that excitement makes the beginning fun to read. I like how you included lots of amusement park details, like corndogs, cotton candy, ice cream, cheeseburgers, rides, games, food vendors, and then the rollercoaster. Those details help the setting feel bright and busy, and it makes me as the reader understand why the kids are so eager to get inside.
I also think Amelia and Ryan’s personalities come through nicely! I like how their personalities bounce off each other! Amelia seems adventurous and excited about the rollercoaster, while Ryan seems very focused on food, which is funny and believable for a kid at an amusement park. The part where Ryan eats Amelia’s donuts made me laugh a little, because it is such a sibling thing to do. It also helps create a playful conflict before the bigger rollercoaster scene happens, which is always great!
One thing you could work on is slowing the story down in a few places though. A lot of fun things happen very quickly, so you might add a few more details about what Amelia and Ryan see, hear, or feel at the amusement park. For example, you could describe the sounds of the rides, the smell of the food, or how nervous Ryan feels before the rollercoaster. That would make someone reading feel even more like they are there with the characters, and that could help your story feel more developed.
Another small thing to look at is spelling and consistency. Amelia’s name is spelled one way most of the time, but once it looks like 'Amila' so that could be fixed. There are also a few sentences where punctuation could be cleaned up, especially around dialogue. Here is a good resource for dialogue, since it can be quite tricky to get the hang of: Punctuation within Dialogue! That is a very normal thing to practice, though, and the dialogue itself is clear and easy to understand.
Overall, this is a fun, lively story with a clear plot! I liked the amusement park setting and the dramatic rollercoaster moment. Great work, and keep writing! <3
Aislynn
Thanks! Well, I felt I had to make it shorter for school since it was a short assignment just to see our skills with making a plot (Raising action, climax, etc. etc.)
Thanks for the review it was very helpful
The story is pretty good and is very interesting. The brother felt very sick after that ride, really. Poor kidooo.