Eons before the world was with life, all was blood, chaos, and ceaseless darkness, for a great war was fought between brothers, noble Infinity, and diabolical Finity. They wanted each others blood, and neither would stop until one killed the other. Many say it was the greatest war ever fought. To be sure it was a horrible one, so….
Come ye that hears with an open ear
Hear this tale of mighty war, and blood born in sacrifice
Lend me your ear one and all
And hear the eldest tale ever told
A tale of bitter betrayal and sweet love
A tale of beautiful roses and ugly thorns,
A tale of rising dawn and fading dusk
Come ye that hears with an open ear
Come, I bid you, and here the ancient tale I tell.
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139,521 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
This was really good! I really enjoyed it. The mix of the paragraph and poetry was very intriguing. I think the paragraph could use some sentence variety. The first two sentences are pretty long. The first sentence could be made into two sentences. Since it's so long, readers may not follow what you're saying. It's a lot of information in one opening sentence. The poetry portion I love. It flows really well and is a very elegant start to a story. I really liked the repetition of "a tale." It brings a real emphasis to it. I'm looking forward to reading the full thing!
Hey there EverLight, Katja here to review your work! As always please feel free to disregard any and all comments or suggestions I make if you find them to be unhelpful. With that being said, onto the review~
Overall Thoughts
I really like this! It read like an excerpt from a book and then a poem. It tells briefly of the "blood wars" a time before the world was filled with life. I love the dark and foreboding imagery in this piece. I like the contrasting you used to describe the blood wars.... ("betrayal & love, roses & thorns, dawn & dusk" etc.)
Because it reads like a story in some ways, I wished to have seen more detail on the wars, more explanation perhaps. For example, the blood wars took place "eons before the world was with life" and in this time period "all was blood, chaos, and ceaseless darkness". What was fighting in such a war if no life was present? Just my thoughts upon finishing.
Overall I like the poetry aspect of this piece. I love narrative poetry or poetry in general that tells a story~ Well done on combining the two!
Suggestions
I recommend fixing a few run ons in the paragraph part~ For example
I would recommend starting a new sentence after "ceaseless darkness".
For the poetry part I recommend using punctuation in all of the lines rather than just a few.
here should be hear
Summary
I really enjoyed this piece for it's narrative style poem. I like the concept and the story presented but would love to see this fleshed out into more detail or even written into a short story!
I hope my review was helpful,
Keep Writing,
~Katja
This is an introduction. I'll get to the real story in the first chapter.
My old pal Everlight! Here to give some praise and suggestions:) Let the reviewing commence!! So I really love this introduction! It really sets the tone for this beautiful alluring poem.
Your imagery and description are rich and full of emotion, while also being very concise. This kind of makes me think of medieval, dragon type vibe. Do you know? My one question suggestion is Why is the wording the way it is? Are they Vikings?
And yes I know you already know this, but you are a very talented writer and poet. And I hope to review more of your work. I apologize this is so short but I am out of what to say.
GOOD JOB EVERLIGHT!