I love sitting in the park, listening to the wind rustle through the tress. If you listen hard enough you can hear a faint whistling sound the tress cry as the wind swoops past them. The grass is a luminous green in this time of year; summer. The grass is slowly prickling into my legs; the grey, thin, two years too small school tights which cling to my skin are doing nothing to stop them. My hands are clasped on my knees, my blackening nails digging into my sweaty palms. My green eyes shift as I look towards the dark metal strong hold of a fence. The black tarmac glowing gently as the sun hits it and in anticipation as child after child’s bare feet run across in excitement. As I open my ears, children’s cry of happiness and fun fill the air around me. I close my eyes the feeling intensifies, the tingle. The crying songs of joy, Imagine being that happy.
A cry louder and filled with a sudden hurt, fear hit me. I widened my eyes; the sun’s rays shrinking my pupils. My vision cleared, I looked for the cause of my disruption of my few seconds of secondhand joy. That’s all it took for me to feel desperate, alone even more than I was when I first came here; was the loving mother of the child. The girl was not yet six, in a small yellow dress with matching shoes and shinning metal buckles. Her blond hair went down to her shoulders, a boy, looking not more than seven; he had pushed the girl over accidentally in eagerness to get to the slide. I knew this because, his eyes were calling for it, had a hungriness for the metal slope that he couldn't hide. The girl was running
slowly, but bravely for her age towards her mother, whose appearance couldn’t be mistaken for anyone else’s child, but
hers. They looked so similar. Her mother’s outspread arms looked like angel wings to me, effortlessly I would have ran towards her myself just to have a few seconds of intimacy with someone, even if they couldn’t understand why.
The little girl ran into the angel’s arms and into heaven, while I flew to hell.
End of chapter
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138,317 Literary Works • 672,102 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
So, this one has some really intense detail being put in right there, I do wonder where this might be headed, cause there seems to be a very clear focus on the surroundings of this person for some reason on the other and it's quite clear that we're all supposed to perhaps pick up on something or the other about these surroundings right here.
Aaand hmm, so this deep focus on the surrounding is interrupted by a little girl colliding with someone. The way that this person describes the very clearly innocent motivation of the boy tells you a thing or two about the kind of emotional state that this man is finding himself in, not to mention you get another interesting detail of this girl, clearly hurt and shaken, but steeling herself to make her way towards the comfort of her mother's arms. Its a beautiful picture to create, but well, it looks like there's more than just meets the eye there in what this person whose noticing said incident is feeling at witnessing said incident.
Well we conclude that rather wholesome scene and on the surface all of these details appear to be rather random and normal, but that last line changes it all, it really seems to indicate that there is something deeper going on there not to mention it is the kind of line that makes you sit up and take notice to see what situation in life could have made this person here come to this conclusion that they have currently come to.
Overall, a very powerful piece despite some seemingly incus description taking up most of the piece.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
This is really good! It is so engaging, I was immediately hooked!
Your writing is so vivid and real, as reader I could picture everything effortlessly. You have done a great job at placing the reader in the shoes of the main character. Sometimes I was a bit confused by your sentences, which could have been a bit less elaborate in my opinion. There were some typing errors, I would correct them if I were you, that would make reading it a bit more pleasant. But other than that: great job! Erg mooi gedaan, I can't wait to read more.
Greetings, John (also from NL)
This is really good! It is so engaging, I was immediately hooked!
Your writing is so vivid and real, as reader I could picture everything effortlessly. You have done a great job at placing the reader in the shoes of the main character. Sometimes I was a bit confused by your sentences, which could have been a bit less elaborate in my opinion. There were some typing errors, I would correct them if I were you, that would make reading it a bit more pleasant. But other than that: great job! Erg mooi gedaan, I can't wait to read more.
Greetings, John (also from NL)
WOW!! great! a lot of imagery.
(my english teacher would totally give you an A+ for the semester, she would also cry because of the great awesome usage of imagery.)
I really enjoyed reading it. It had a lot of feeling.
my favorite sentence!!!
It was........amazing.....I totally loved it!!!!
keep up the good...no....amazing....no ....they have not invented a word for this......i will use this for now......spactacular!
keep up the spactacular work
your knew follower Arisu!
Whoa!! Was not expecting that!
I love how you described the little girl so CUUUTE!! Mean little boy had to push her down
OOo i want to know what is going to happen!!
Breathtaking!
This story has tons of feeling. I love how you spoke about the way the main character's eyes dialated at certain times. They way they shifted. The appearance of the young girl is perfect. You can see exactly what she looks like by reading that. It's as if it takes you away from the fact you're reading text, and puts you purely into your mind's eye. I absolutely love this.
Keep writing! -Guider
Hi there! Welcome to YWS!
This is really great! You definitely put a lot of imagery into this. I could see everything you were describing, good job! I like the way you described each of the characters you mentined. You also did a good job sticking to your main character's thoughts and not describing anything he/she didn't see. I like how you left me hanging at the end, wanting to know more. I know this is a preview so I was expecting this.
I can't wait to read the rest of this. Keep writing!