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Young Writers Society



Kimandra Loval chapter three

by Eve


Chapter three

I sat in the shop, alone. Craunia had gone back to the palace after giving her opinion about the designs. I put my head in my hands. Craunia had a specific design in mind, but she couldn't describe it the way she wanted it. Nearly half the designs were crumpled in the trash. I sat with a pen in my hand, staring at a blank sheet of paper for what seemed to be hours.

I wasn't going to be able to come up with ideas tonight. So I packed my bag and locked up the shop. Craunia had given me a Small coin for talking with her after hours. I slung my bag over my shoulder and began to walk home.

In the soft moonlight, frost sparkled on the ground, mirroring the stars. I stood there for a moment, exhausted.

“Kim…” Oh, no. I turned with annoyance to see Arron's face staring at me sadly.

“Do you need anything?” I began to walk.

“No, just you…” he grabbed my hand. “Kim… I know I've been annoying, but-”

“But nothing, I can live on my own.” I turned away.

“Please!” He gripped my hand tighter. “It's the only way for you to be married! It's the only way for you to be happy!”

“Happy?” I pulled my hand away. “Happy? Being stuck with you for the rest of my life isn't my idea of happy.”

“But Kim!” He tried to grab me.

“Don't touch me. I'm not marrying you!” I pulled away and began to walk quickly. I turned a corner before hearing him call out my name. His footsteps were approaching. I rolled my eyes and ran into the nearest shop.

“A little late for a shopping trip, eh?” I jumped around to see a withering man smiling at me. He smelled like strong lye and cleaner. I then took in my surroundings, a Castle Boundary jewelry shop.

“Sorry, sir. I was just-”

“Ah, young troubles. Running away from a fiance?” I began to shake my head. He laughed. “I had the same problem with a girl who thought we were meant to be.”

“Really?” I laughed awkwardly. I just wanted to leave, really.

“I’m Eliott Jeorge, I work the late night shifts here. Just look around the shop until you feel it's safe.” He gestured towards the elegant jewels. “If you need me, I'll be in the employee’s room.” He left quickly. Leaving me slightly dazed.

I heard Arron still calling my name. So I began to look around at the different jewelry. They were all so beautiful. I rubbed my fingers over a smooth purple Stone and sighed in desire. Something shined in my eyes and I looked up.

It was captivating, the beautiful amber embedded into a silver frame. Before I knew it, I was holding it in my hand. Staring with such intensity that I noticed there wasn't a single dent, or any fault at all, in the stone. I exhaled in amazement. It seemed to be calling to me. You can't afford it. I tried to put it down, but i… couldn't. Why are you obsessed with this? There are much nicer ones that you can buy!

“That one… that one's been here for an eon of time.” Eliott's voice made me jump. “We've been trying to sell it for years…”

“Just a piece of jewelry.” I tried to put it down. Tried to unlatch my fingers. My knuckles were white with strain. I couldn't let go of it.

“Keep it.” Eliott pushed the necklace to me. It was like a weight had been lifted out of my chest. I was deliriously happy as I immediately put it on my neck. I smiled like mad as the cold stone settled on my chest. it seemed to beat with my heart. Eliott smiled.

“That hasn't sold for nearly a century.” Eliott fingered the amber stone. He looked me right in the eyes. “It seems to have been waiting for you.”

“Th-thank you.” I stammered. I was so in love with the necklace that I hardly cared what he was saying.

“Go home now.” Eliott walked over to the door and opened it slowly. I kept staring at the necklace in a trance. It was mine. It seemed to have been made for me. I walked out the door silently and never took my eyes off the necklace. I knew every path in the Lelik by heart and didn't need to look at where I was going.

I was sitting in my bed when I looked up from the necklace. I sighed. I needed to take it off to sleep. I searched for the clasp, but my fingers only felt the chain holding the stone.

I ran my hands over the entire chain. There… was no clasp. I stood suddenly, rushing to the mirror. I studied the whole necklace. There was no clasp. I tried pulling it over my head. The chain was too small. I then began pulling the necklace to try and break it.

“Come on you stupid thing!” I whispered. I grabbed a kitchen knife and began to hack at the chain. I kept hitting the chain until Sparks flew off of it. I slumped down on the ground. This necklace was… indestructible.

“Kimmy?” Mariene poked her face out of the bed room. Warrann followed her.

“Sorry, Mariene. Sorry Warrann. I didn't mean to be that loud.” I forced a smile.

“It's okay Kimmy.” She gasped. “ What's that? It's so pretty!” She pointed to my necklace.

“I got it today.” I stared at the stone again and fingered the smooth surface. “I can't take it off, though.” I grumbled. I yawned as Mariene looked at me in confusion.

“That's okay.” Mariene pulled my hand. “You need to go to sleep.” She said sweetly. I smiled and let her pull me up and into the bed room. Warrann hugged my legs and crawled into his bed. I gave Mariene a hug and she went to bed as well.

I held the necklace in my hand. Running my thumb over the surface of the stone. I couldn't take it off. I sighed, laid down and pulled up the bedsheets. I could feel the necklace resting on my chest. Well, maybe it’d take away my nightmares.

If only.


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351 Reviews


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Sun Apr 29, 2018 11:32 pm
Kanome wrote a review...



Hello, Eve. I am here to provide you a review in honor of Review Day. Let’s get started, shall we?

Note: I have not read the previous chapters, therefore, this review will be based on this chapter alone. I hope that is okay.

Impression on Chapter:


It seems like to me that this necklace that she is awed over have some kind of power. I mean, she is not able to take it off, let alone be drawn to it. This necklace must hold some special meaning into the storyline itself. As for the main character, Kim, it seems like she is going through a tough time. The way she behaves and her speech say it all. I enjoyed the concept of the chapter only because I was able to see what kind of person Kim is. As for the ‘fiance’, it seems like he wants to help her, but she is denying him, maybe because something more is going on? I might have to read the previous chapters to figure out their relationship better. Elliot. He seems he knows more than what he leads on. Is he going to be part of the story more as well? Only one can tell.

Nitpicks & Stuff:


The only issue I found here is that the word ‘stone’ is capitalized in places where it don’t need to be. Is there a specific meaning to that work in your story? Other than that, @Radook pretty much provided the suggestions needed to improve your work.

Overall Conclusion:


Overall, this was an interesting read. I enjoyed Kim’s personality and can connect with her on a personal level. I also like the concept and the mysteriousness of the necklace she was in awe with. It must hold some special meaning, especially if it hasn’t be sold for a century. Just make sure you watch for capitalization errors. Other than that, good job on this chapter. Keep up the great work. Keep writing and enjoy the rest of your day.

- Kanome




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841 Reviews


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Sun Apr 29, 2018 4:42 pm
Radrook wrote a review...



Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said

Thanks for sharing this very charming episode of the novel where a girl comes into possession of a necklace that refuses to come off.

Expressions I especially liked:

Tried to unlatch my fingers. My knuckles were white with strain. I couldn't let go of it.

In the soft moonlight, frost sparkled on the ground, mirroring the stars. [Beautifful!]

Suggestions

Seemed a little rushed.

Slow the pace a bit in order to describe the store and Elliot in more detail. Color of eyes? texture of hair? Attire? height? Age? Race maybe? Accent? Things like those will make the character more real.

what seemed to be hours. [....seemed hours]
with ideas tonight. [that night.]
Oh no. [Oh no!]
“But Kim!” He tried to grab me. [Was already grabbed by the hand.]

a withering man [too vague.]
the elegant jewels. [opportunity to describe]

weight had been lifted out of my chest. [pressure removed from inside my bossom]
The word chest is more appropriate for us ugly men. :)

put it on my neck [placed it....]

....my chest. [avoid word repetition. chest-chest]

it seemed to beat with my heart. Eliott smiled.

[It seemed....] Starts a new sentence.

The store employee laughed. [Too soon for her to be calling him by his first name]

Eliott fingered.... [He fingered....] To avoid word repetition.

He “caressed is better since the word “fingered” has lewd connotations.

He looked me right in the eyes [....gazed into my eyes.] It is more descriptive.

....my eyes off the necklace. [off it] To avoid repeating “necklace”.

I stood suddenly, rushing to the mirror. I studied the whole necklace.

[I rushed to the mirror to examine it ]
Rushing conveys standing up and suddenness. The pronoun ït avoids repeating the word “necklace”.

I ran my hands over the entire chain. [...all over it] To avoid repeating “chain”.

“Th-thank you.” I stammered. [“Th-thank you.”] The reader can see she stammered.

I slumped down on the ground. [floor] The ground is not boarded nor rugged, nor carpeted. It refers to soil.
http://www.dictionary.com/browse/ground





“Though lovers be lost, love shall not; And death shall have no dominion.”
— Dylan Thomas