Published May 8, 2018
I know you see me
I see you too
you look at me with broken eyes
and a heart shattered in two
.
I see your gaze flickering to my lips
and I imagine the feeling of a kiss
your hand is twitching to hold mine
we have to move on from this
.
But your broken eyes and broken heart
keep you from reaching out to me
so I stretch my arm to you
you take it and hold on to this glee
.
then you look at me softly
I stare back with anticipation
your face gets ever closer
my heart beats with a hesitation
.
and just as I begin to breath you in
I wake with you on my mind
and I cry what's the point of being in love
if you've left here far behind?
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138,507 Literary Works • 672,144 Reviews
That was awesome! I enjoyed the poem very much and was captivated to read it. The poem clearly prospers in expressing what it is about and is relatable to some extent. The poem seems complete in itself and is easy to understand as well.
The structure and form of the poem are good. The rhyming scheme was incredible and impressive if it was written by a student of the elementary school.
The word selection and usage were clean and smooth as well.
I loved these lines -
"I know you see me
I see you too
you look at me with broken eyes
and a heart shattered in two"
And these -
"But your broken eyes and broken heart
keep you from reaching out to me
so I stretch my arm to you
you take it and hold on to this glee"
Correction suggestions -
"and just as I begin to breath[e] you in"
Hey, OniiChan here!
You wrote this in elementary school? I could barely write a haiku then!
This is such a cute poem. You did a good job on the rhyming pattern. On the fourth stanza, I haven’t seen those two words together (anticipation, hesitation), and I thought that was pretty cool. The flow of the poem was awesome. You did a great job!
Keep on writing!
Hey Eve!
I hope I helped, and please feel free to drop me a line if you have any questions.
I'm Elinor, and I'm here to give you a quick review on your poem. I'm amazed that a draft of this was written in elementary school. I'm not sure how much you changed, but the feeling throughout this is very strong, and I love some of the imagery you have here. Dating in elementary school is an interesting thing, because you're first starting to have these feelings for other people that you don't yet fully understand, but because you're still very much a child you want to explore them.
Although it seems a little weird that someone in elementary school would have romantic baggage that prevents them from a new relationship the way you hint at. Unless I'm misinterpreting, and if so, I apologize! Nevertheless, the ups and downs of young love in general is very strong.
Were you trying to give this poem a rhyme scheme or keep it in free verse? It seems like half of the time it rhymes and half of the time it doesn't. It's nice when it does rhyme, but the inconsistency confused me.
Overall, I don't have too much else to say. This was really well done!
All the best,
Elinor