The sky fades from sapphire to gold,
clouds like patches of unpainted canvas,
the horizon a line of smeared pastels,
this is where the child remains.
While waves of foaming azure resonate,
sending spray and salt whipping into the air;
head turned to the iridescent glow of the setting sun,
he sits and watches and waits.
Moist with leftover spill and mist,
the sand sticks to his soft, fleshy feet,
rubbing into the supple white of the flannel,
and making tacks into the creases.
The light shines a final defiance,
reaching the last few yearning rays,
sending one backward glance at the child on the shore;
and night swallows the dune.
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Canary word: Present
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Thanks Gin!
Wow, I liked this. It flowed well and also the imagary was pleasing and interesting to read. I particularly like your third line in your first verse, how it refers to pastel colours, like smears. This made me think of a child's drawing of the ocean maybe, with the sun in the background?
I like your descrition of the setting sun and how the child eargerly awaits to watch the last rays. Your imagary on this was beautiful, and you drew all of the emotion from that one sunset, using every aspect for your poem.
Good work.
Thanks, Col! I'll definetly work on it.
Description. You definitely have a gift for creating images, but I felt that the rest of the poem was lacking. Beautiful images cannot make up for a lack of significant emotion or meaning. The poem does raise some good questions, things that draw a reader's attention, but what drew my attention more was the sometimes overpowering images.
Diction. Related to the above: with overpowering images come overpowering words. Your sentences are long and rambling, and each contains way too many adjectives for its own good.
Tone it down a little, and think about what you're trying to say. Put that talent for description into something with more substance. Keep working on it!
-Colleen
Thanks, Kyte!
That was beautiful. The description was good. The idea of a lonely child is well spoken.