losing route 61
morning begins, in
waves of pixels; red, orange, gold,
splashes across the screen, as
the symphony of mechanical whirrs, the pounding of
iron drums with wooden mallets; crescendos, reels, the pitch
off-center, unremarkable, a replica of nature’s emotion.
and the automaton motions his or her pegs
to the synchronized beat, treading
soft brown sand and keeping its eyes fixed—
pointedly—across the ocean of synthetic greenery;
a mess of leaves, grasses, matter.
the winding route paces,
a memorized stability embedded in the soft wires of
the auto’s pale silvery forehead. It
watches nothing, listens to its own engine purr,
one hour, five minutes, two seconds to go.
but this one, the cables pulsing gently,
stops; two bottoms down in the ground,
sockets facing upward to the multihued beauty.
opening its orifice to the sky, remembering, falteringly,
the soft moisture of the rain, the darkness of the night
that comes no longer. It closes its eyes and sinks,
losing route 61 to memories.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Well the automaton is walking through this land, which is scientifically/technologically altered/fake. It sits and remembers a past when he used to be human/ or "back in the day"...you know...
Thanks guys!
I think that it's simply because "automaton" sounds better than "robot." Robot has negative, or at the very least, sci-fi connotations; it brings to mind metallic joints, flashing eyes, R2-D2 type of stuff. I don't think the word "automaton" really has that. It seems a much more appropriate word. So good job on that, Evangelina.
I read this before you changed the first line, and had no idea what it was about. But since you've changed the opening line and made it clear what an automaton is, I understand it all (yay ^_^) and I'm in love with it.
Personally, I've never heard of the phrase 'automaton' before. And understanding that this is a poem about a robot is vital. Couldn't you use a different term (unless you're using it for some other reason)?
I knew what "automaton" meant...I'm just not sure how a robot fits into this whole "morning" thing. I must sound terribly stupid...but I see different parts of this poem very clearly and I'm just not sure how to piece them together.
Either way, I like the new first line better than "morning undulates".
-Colly
I edited the first line, and "automaton" is a fancy word for robot. Thanks!
Hmm. I find this piece very intriguing and, in some places, beautiful, but I feel as though it might have too much "poetry bling," for lack of a better phrase, hanging around its neck.
I like this. I'm still not entirely clear on what "the automaton" refers to, but to give it a (possible) gender is interesting.Diction. The words you use are well-chosen, but you just might have too many of them. At some points I feel as though I'm wading waist-deep through a dictionary. Clean this up a little bit to make room for thought. A sophisticated poem can be made by very simple phrases and terms.
I mostly dislike the first line, "morning undulates". "Undulate" is such a silly word, and the phrase "morning undulates" doesn't really put an image in my mind.
Personification.
Interesting stuff. I love the mood you've created, but I don't think I fully understand what you were trying to convey. Clean up the word choice and syntax a bit, and you'll be on your way.
-Colleen