I screamed a mouse's ferocity
Tongues lapping in the distance
They don't hear me
Ears plugged with judgment
How will I leave this mess?
No strength for convention
None for bold impotence
Just enough manna for the run
Escaping when the crack has formed
In their monumental plan
I don't care for feelings
Life's a mess of concrete pain
Chocolate-dipped lies and
Flamboyant treason
To make one hate and long
We all want a part in the circling globe
Aflame with monstrosities and drama
Blunt force with words
Personality speared with pop culture
How to destroy the cast?
As one by one we fall
entombed in the cold circumference
Laughed at by those who revel at absurdity
of one who tries to turn away
of one who tries to run away
These are my last tales set upon stone
to be wiped away by the ages
Because no one listens
Talk is cheap
and life is cheaper.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,828 Reviews
Thank you both! I'll go review other peoples. Sorry, I didnt realize that. I should really read rules
Ahaa, this was a pleasant read indeed
unlike many same-topic poems on YWS this one definitely sticks out. You've managed to put your feelings down in a way that was pleasurable for the reader. There's the presence of this fresh imaginary which most definitely caught my attention. Very well described as well -^^
The one thing it lacks is proper punctuation and capitalization, I'd suggest you to take a look at this article and get back at it to give it an even fresher look
Poetry and Punctuation
Well that's all, and oh yes Welcome to YWS
Cheerios, Chandni
Hi Evangelina,
Just like to remind you that we'd really appreciate it if you could post a few critiques before you post any more of your own work - officially the ratio is supposed to be something like 2 reviews for every 1 piece posted, I think, but you might want to have a quick squiz through the rules of the forum just to be sure.
Firstly, welcome to YWS! Nice to see some new faces around
But enough of that! On to the poem!
I quite enjoyed this. You have some interesting and quite vibrant imagery throughout, which was a pleasure to read.
However, one thing I did feel was that your stanzas were a little haphazard - that is, I couldnt always see what you were driving at or how the verses connected to one another. I also think it would benefit if you cleaned up the rhythm a little, and used some punctuation. It would really help the reader to get a grip on how to say it, what to emphasize, etc. and I'm sure that would improve the poem a great deal.
Aside from your unique imagery, there wasnt much in the way of poetry in this. It felt a bit flat - there was nothing for the reader to engage with. If you reorganize and add some punctuation that might help a bit though - you might also try experimenting with different styles and word choices
Overall it has potential but some clean-up needs to be done.
Cheers,
~bubbles