A mindless pollutant fills your brain
as the matriarch mindlessly drones
passing fugitive moments where you think
“perhaps I have a chance”
--but no.
you have been gravely mistaken
there is no justice in a motherly anarchy
a game of chess where all are pawns and one is queen
a sad and sorry state of affairs.
Dragging you down like a rock under water
if there was a bridge you’d jump it
her voice is a thousand poison-tipped needles
etching tattoos of misery and humiliation on your skull
+++
Inspired by me madre.
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Canary word: Present
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No it's supposed to be put together as
"passing fugitive moments where you think 'perhaps I have a chance'"
Thanks!
HA! I actually liked this, although I don't agree with the sentiment.
I agree with the others...good but could be better.
One word:
Correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't it be:
Thanks all...three of you! I'll work on it. And yes, stupidlittleeric, I am not hate-filled now...so it should be better.
The chess/politics metaphor is a good one, and it could work very well if you expanded it for this poem. Still, it's something that's been done before, so you might want to look into chess poems a bit to find out what's possible and what you can do differently. [not at all necessary, but might be helpful?]
It also seems very impersonal; the speaker addresses a "you", and the mother figure is some towering queen way off in the distance. Even if the mother is distant, the emotions should be close at hand.
Like the people above said, its slightly sporadic. I think you should stick to one metaphor and the one I liked the most was the one about chess. You could do an entire poem on just that one. But maybe this poem was written quickly and while in a hateful mood so now you have time to think one out.
It went in a lot of different directions. You have pollution, chess stuff, drowning/water, and tattoo images, but they don't seem to really connect, and it's stronger if they do. I vote you pick one and see how it goes using just that one metaphor throughout the poem.
Ha-ha, thanks Pie. Thanks for reminding me that there might still be hope for me :]
I get the feeling you and your mother got in a fight? Any way, it was an okay poem, but like Clau said, people will have trouble relating to this. Try to put it in a sense that the actions in the poem could happen to anyone. If it was a poem to make you feel better you don't have to change it, but if you just cam up with the idea it does need work. Still, I liked your other poem so you have some talent.
Thanks for your advice!
I know deathly mothers well...
this sounds neat, but at the same time "misery" and "humiliation" are too plain. You need to pick the right kind of words for emotional poems. Try bringing out the emotions more, because I know you could do a lot more with this.First off, give is some more punctuation. Poetry & Punctuation.
It was a good poem, in that it wasn't written badly but... it could have been better. I couldn't relate to it much, even though I have mother issues as well. I think I couldn't relate to it because your explaininf something, but nothing is really happening, you know? It's not like she's yelling at you for something, you're just explaining your mother.
Here, this might help you: Emotional Poetry.
Best of luck!