The Six Dumbest Brothers
Based off the Chinese fairy tale
Once upon a time in a far, far, far away land—there lived an emperor with a pearl. The land was China, set thousands of years ago.
The emperor was like all emperors. Greedy, selfish, and much richer than he was supposed to be. His palace was a prime example of this; made purely of marble, decorated with gold, and dressed with rich Japanese fabrics. Concubines of all shapes and, frighteningly, sizes, roamed the palace grounds in their silken slips. The garden itself was three times bigger than the average Chinese hut, and the emperor’s room was room enough for six men to sleep comfortably. It was here, in this chamber, where the pearl was kept.
On first glance, the pearl was really nothing more than a pearl. But on the inside of the milky white ball was a cure of the greatest and most feared disease in the entire land. The disease was truly a thing to behold; gripping its victim with its oily fingers. The skin of one would become a mess of white bumps, spewing with thick paste. It was absolutely revolting. It was said that in the western culture, this disease was called acne.
The pearl was to clear the victim of all signs of this disease, purify him. The emperor kept the pearl locked safely away in his green jade box under his pillow.
This is where the six brothers come in. Of course, they weren’t any brothers. Each one had a special power, known only to him and at the awe of all who surrounded him. The First brother, Lee, had arms that could stretch as far as the eye could see. He often used this power to his advantage, stealing sheep from a nearby village or slapping women’s butts without being seen.
The second brother, Ling, had legs that could do the same thing. This played to his advantage because he could see the whole world by stretching his legs, and allowed him to watch wars occur and other things that kept him entertained. It also gave him to ability to kick someone he disliked, and send them flying into the Atlantic Ocean, miles away.
The third brother, Chiang, had skin that could bear the coldest of cold. In fact, it pleased him when it snowed. He would lie out in the thirty feet of flakes, as if wrapped up in a blanket. This suited him well, because it allowed him to bath, naked of course, in the ocean—when most people would have suffered from pneumonia and frozen solid, sinking to the bottom.
The fourth brother, Dao, was exactly the opposite. His skin could endure temperatures far above four digits. He would, after being carried by Ling, sit out in the Sahara Desert and find it quite relaxing (in a minimal amount of clothes). He would often be held up, by Ling (who, by now, felt like slapping him due to the third degree burns he now received), to touch the thousand degree rays of the sun.
The fifth brother, Chou, had, in my opinion, the best skill of all. This was being able to eat as much as he felt was suitable. He often swallowed an entire fleet of sheep, a hundred fried cows, and a thirty-thousand pound bag of rice—for a nice afternoon snack. Unfortunately, his farts were just as enormous.
Last but definitely not least, was the sixth brother, Pee. Pee was like Chou; the only difference was that he could drink all the liquids he wanted. To quench a thirst, he usually drank the equivalent of a giant pond, sometimes finished twelve-hundred barrels of wine—although at that point he would be too wasted to stop.
And the six of them were going to steal that pearl.
It was their mother that needed it. Chiyu possibly had the worst case of the disease than any other person in China. Her old, withered face was covered, inch to inch, in white pimples, making her skin as shiny as brass and as thick as custard. She knew that nothing she did; not picking at her face, not washing it with chocolate, and not rubbing it with bacon-grease; would ever get rid of it. She would need the pearl.
“Get that pearl, boys,” Chiyu commanded them, itching a rather large pimple on her chin, “if it’s the last thing you do.”
And of course, like good little boys and…boys, the six brothers set off to the palace to fetch the pearl.
When they reached the hill, where they could see the palace doors, Lee could see fourteen overlarge men, guarding it.
“Let me handle this one,” he told his brothers, confidently. They nodded and watched in anticipation.
Lee straightened, and then stretched out his arm. It bounded out like an elastic band, over the hill and right to the men at the bridge. Startled to see a hand attached to a mile-long arm, the men stood silent, momentarily shocked. Then Lee quickly snapped the man’s neck. The other men soon went down with him, the floor was piled with the bodies of oddly necked men, and the coast was clear.
“Nice one, bro,” cackled Chou.
Unfortunately for them, the gate was locked.
“Get into my arms,” Ling told them quickly.
Grabbing onto bits of Ling’s clothing, the second brother stretched his legs out until they became taller than the gate itself. Stepping over the metal quickly, Ling shrunk and dropped the men. They brushed each other off and averted their eyes.
“Ah, thanks,” Dao said, blushing.
Their luck had run out, however, because at the sound of Ling’s gigantic feet, twenty guards and the emperor himself ran out. The emperor was beside himself.
“TIE THEM UP AND—“
But before he could utter another word, Ling scooped his brothers up, stretched, and ran off. The emperor was stunned for a moment. But as Ling ran off, Chiang, Dao, and Pee fell off him and right into the emperor’s garden.
“TIE THEM UP!” the emperor shouted with glee, finally able to finish his sentence.
The three of them were tied up, and sent into the emperor’s court. There he stood, watching them like a small-eyed, black-haired vulture.
“So, you were trying to steal my precious pearl, were you? There’ll be a good, long, and painful punishment for all of you—ending in your death!” The emperor grinned. “For you two—“ and here he pointed at Chiang and Pee, “you will be bound and dumped in the ocean, where you will die of the severe cold or drowning, whichever gets you first!” he laughed heartily. “And for you—“ he pointed at Dao, “my finest chef will cook you in a stew and serve you to my pigs!” he giggled loudly.
The brothers smiled.
“STOP SMILING!” the emperor squealed.
Chiang and Pee was immediately bound tightly by thick ropes and forced to walk to a Cliffside, where they could see over the edge at the thirty-foot drop into the rippling water. Before they knew it, they had been pushed and were falling, wind slapping them hard in the face, into the water.
Freezing cold water swallowed them up and they began to sink rapidly.
“What do we do?” mouthed Chiang. Of course the cold didn’t bother him in the least, but it would surely freeze Pee, if not drown them both.
Pee straightened up as best he could, then opened his mouth, which the guards had stupidly forgotten to gag. Water, fish, and shark alike began to drain into Pee’s mouth. Soon, the two of them were standing side by side on a sandy and rocky land, still sodden by the ocean which had previously existed. Pee burped. The ropes, now wet, had become loose in the drop—and now the two of them slipped out easily.
“Thanks,” said Chiang.
They climbed up the cliff, a task that was harder than it looked—taking them at least four hours and resulting in many cuts and bruises. Once that the top, they looked over to see the dry barren wasteland that had been the Pacific Ocean.
“We can’t leave it like this,” Chiang said, anxiously.
“Don’t worry,” Pee said reassuringly. He rolled down his pants.
“EW!” Chiang groaned, “DO YOU HAVE TO TAKE A LEAK RIGHT HERE? REALLY?!”
Soon the ocean was back in place, the same as always, if not for a slight change in color and a big change in odor.
They ran back to the palace, just as Dao was being placed in a human-sized pot. The chef dumped in potatoes, carrots, radishes, and bok-choi along with Dao.
“Yum,” the chef said.
He lit the fire and waited. Soon the water was sizzling. He rubbed his hands together, watching delightfully as Dao looked down at the boiling vegetables. He picked one up as its skin began to become mushy.
“This isn’t food,” Dao announced scornfully.
Chef’s eyes widened, watching Dao roll around in the boiling liquid as if taking a soothing bath.
“Can you turn it up a little?” Dao asked, bored, “it’s not quite warm enough.”
Chiang and Pee bounded in.
“You ok?” Chiang asked Dao, who nodded.
“Let’s get that pearl.”
Within a few minutes, the other brothers were back. Lee stretched out his hand, poked it through a window, and began groping around until he heard a scream from the emperor. He had found the right room. He swatted the man away, still feeling around until his fingers fell upon the green jade box.
“Got it!” he announced.
He pulled it out, his arm returning to normal. The brothers stared as Lee opened the box. The pearl stood shining in the velvet depths.
“Sweet,” said Ling, “let’s being it to mother.”
Chiyu was sitting in the same place at her house, drinking tea and rubbing her face with duck oil. The brothers bounded in, and she looked up expectantly.
“Do you have it?”
“Yes, mother,” they all said, bowing and handing over the pearl.
Chiyu took the pearl in one, pimply hand, and stared at it. Everyone stood very still, watching. A few long minutes passed.
“Now what?”
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