A Dying Diction
Billows, screams, oozes of tattooed regret;
a sun-gazer of proportions, I
tread short steps, while
deaf to concerned pleas, and
turning a blind eye to the woe-begotten weary
sympathizers, I
keep one faintly pulsing vein to the sky, with
cracked lips lifted to the wind,
separating words from reality,
among breaths that escape in hushed solidity, speak—
if only for the fleeting second,
Am I Alive?
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Canary word: Present
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Haha, will do, locky
I did like it, but I think when read the fact that it is one sentence made me open my mouth and go "Huh?" I had to read it a good 4 times :p
Rework it i guess different style same subject.
Nice imagery.
Your underestimating the power of pauses though
No worries. Thank you muchly.
Sorry for the confusion; I meant that any phrase with " [insert word here]-proportions" would sound vague to me, but I think it's me, not your poetry, Evangelina. Sorry for making a fuss,
-Amelia
It's much smoother now (You did edit it since I've read, yes?)
I'm trying to understand what she meant by this...? In any case, if I can offer my opinion: I like it there. Though she talks about structure and so I am left in the dark. #_ # How does she mean? Hah. Er. Sorry.
I think that it reads easier now, thanks to the verb tenses. A big improvement because I can absorb the imagery easier (and I do like the imagery alot
). But there's still something about the "sun-gazer of _________-proportions" that doesn't sound right to me; not any word that would fit in the blank, but the structure of it. I don't know, random things stand out to me sometimes. Very nice, overall
-Amelia
Ok guys, I edited it! Please tell me what you think!
There is alot that's happening but I feel like it's all in the background of something that's greater? Like the -ing words are an overlay to something else that's happening, but I'm not sure what. Everything seems to be a tad buried. There are some nice images, like "oozing of tattooed regret", but there are others that seem rather general like "sun-gazer of momentous proportions" that I think could be stronger.
I also think that you could do a better job of making the actual diction of the written words seeming to die away as the poem progresses: the first part is good in that respect because it's heavy on the language, and parts of the end are getting there like "if only for the fleeting second" but then there are phrases like "escaping in hushed solidity" that I think negate the effect.
Yes--I meant it to be only one sentence; and I'll get rid of the -ing. Thanks!
I have to say that I loved this. It was simply brilliant. I gave it a second read to comprehend it, the first time I thought, "Hell, what is all this...?" but the second time (and I think I did half of a third one before I said, "Just write the critique!" hah) I really, really loved it.
The only thing the bothers me about this poem: do you realize you wrote all of that and it is only one sentence? It makes me scratch and cringe and get a little woozy, hah. Dramatically, that is.
Adverbs definitely go, as Fand said.
I think one of the main problems with this - the description hanging and not seeming to go much of anywhere - is the fact that you're main tense is the continuing present; most of the verbs are "ing". Picking a definite tense, outside of the occasional [occasional] adjective, will really help to give your work both a place and a direction. You know those very beginner poems that are all a list of "ing" words, and so just kind of hang there, saying nothing, just listing verbs that don't actually fit into any grammatical sentence? Yeah. Abolish all traces of that from your poetry.
Thanks Cad. <3
I had suspected it might be something like that. It's a neat idea, but difficult for anyone to pull off. You're brave to attempt it.
Thanks guys! I meant it to be a dying diction--like the words are literally dying with all the words, lol. But will work on it.
*agrees like crazy with Fand* So many words...in such a small space...it's drowning in its own, well, diction. I dislike drowning.
Also, any particular reason it's one long, drawn-out sentence? I kind of get a whirlwind, stream-of-consciousness feel from it, but I'm not really sure if that was the intended purpose or not.
Maybe put this one aside and revisit it after a while; rethink what you're trying to say and say it in a way that's easier for a reader to take in without feeling overwhelmed by it. Your reader will be able to take more from it and truly get a feeling for what you're trying to express.
-Colleen
Overall: well, you've certainly got the concept of powerful imagery down pat. Remember that saying about "too much of a good thing," though? You've got a prime case of that here. It makes a very vivid, if morbid, image--but what on earth are you talking about? I get it: someone's dying, literally or metaphorically, and they're in the depths of despair, etc etc etc. Seriously, though. You've completely drowned the point of this poem in morose--and, forgive me, often overwrought--imagery.
One idea? Cut out the adjectives and adverbs. Replace existing nouns and verbs with stronger nouns and verbs. While, admittedly, that would probably result in a poem not fit for human eyes--it'll also give you a better idea of the concentrated point of the poem. That's what you want to emphasize, not your skill with a thesaurus.