Young Writers Society

Hello. You're new here, I see. Welcome.

On to your poem:

This was really cute. Although I must say it was rather cliche because it was kind of just a poetry form of a standard template highschool romance. It isn't exactly a bad thing because the delivery is different and original but the concept was quite cliche.

This poem rhymed but the rhythm was rather off in some areas. Like in that I hate You became my phrase line. Fix up the rhythm a little, read this out loud to yourself and if it doesn't flow too well add or deduct a few syllables.

Anyway, generally a good poem but I believe it could get even better.

Keep writing.

-Nixie

EternalLove wrote:First comes denial
I spent a long time here
Half a semester
It felt more like a year The reader can find this too usual. Then, what does this have with denial?

Long before I did
I think the whole school knew
Me in denial
Them wondering what I'd do You really need punctuation. This is a ruined thought without it.

Then came anger
Which took me a couple days
I yelled a lot
"I hate you" became my phrase So what with that? Still away from denial..

But then I came home Put it together with something cause it don't mean anything for itself... One verse could be alone if it's saying something important, something that's worthy than the other "stuff".

Turned the radio on
"Quit Playin' Games With My Heart"
Was looking at some pictures
Something -- not sure what -- did start "--" is ",not sure what,".

I realized I liked him Why in past tense?
Accepted it was true
A weight was lifted off me
But who would I tell this to?

And why?
They all already knew Last stanza needs work. The previous one worked fine as an ending of the poem

Heh, I like this one, it's cute.

'Half a semester / It felt more like a year' - would be better as 'that felt.' The use of 'it' puts an awkward pause in between the lines.

'I think the whole school knew / Me in denial / Them wondering what I'd do' - these last two lines don't really work, the rhythm is too random. Try re-jumbling them, or replacing them completely.

'I yelled a lot / "I hate you" became my phrase' - same with these two.

'Turned on the radio / ... / Was looking at some pictures' - This needs an 'I' in front. Some words you can get away with cutting out, but without saying who's doing the action it won't make much sense. That, and the grammar freaks will hang you for it.

If you fix these little hiccups this should be a great piece.