Published November 19, 2006
Twilight descends, standing in the shadows,she waits. Will you return ? Will you die with her name on your lips?Gazing out wishing you were here with her,going in wishing she could see your face. Tears coursing down her face, she quickly wipes them away.Running to her message terminal she sees a message from you. Knowing your still alive she rejoice,but still she wonders Will you return ? Will you die with her name on your lips? She eagerly reads you message just seeing your word she fills with hope. She looks toward the temple ,your home, still longing for you,tears start flowing unchecked. Anakin she silently cries come back to me alive. She wonders, Will you return ? Will you die with her name on your lips?
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141,249 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So this one appears to be some kind of monologue perhaps by someone waiting for another person to get back from a war maybe. I only recognize the name Anakin and with the fact that this is in the fanfiction category I think it's a Stars Wars fanfic and I don't have much knowledge on that so the context for this I can't quite understand. But what I said earlier is the feel I get from it so if that is what you were going for then you've done your job correctly.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...well I have to say this is some really good emotion being conveyed her. With all the "Will"'s in the thoughts you really get a very god picture of the sort of frame of mind that you world for someone worrying this much. I'm sure if I knew more about Star Wars this would probably have a pretty good context so I won't comment on the lack of that in this story.
Aaaaand that's it for this one. Bit of a short review for this very short piece.
Overall: Aaand that's about it. It's a wonderfully written piece that really does a great job showcasing this person's loneliness, worry and maybe hope too quite well. And Great Job!!
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey! I don't have much time, but briefly...
First of all, let me say: Very good mood you're building here. I like the repetition; it adds to the feel of the piece.
Some spacing issues here.
Should read:
Twilight descends, standing in the shadows, she waits. Will you return? Will you die with my name on your lips?
See what I mean? There are some more issues of this kind all through the piece.
Always capitalize after a period. Watch out for those extra spaces!
What point of view is this prose? Are you talking to Anakin? To the reader? To Padmé? Make sure the point of view is consistent.
I think it's a great start; let me know when you revise it!
Cheers! ~Shafter
Moved to Fanfiction