Saying Good bye

Okey doke.
Alanna

Hmm...


I hate to say, "no" but no.

First of all, don't just write in long lines like that. Poetry should be put in verse, and sure you can have long lines and all, but consider structure when writing poetry, and so make your verses with that in mind.

This still didn't make me feel anything, honestly. and "!!!" is never very helpful. I get the same feeling from one exclamation point as I do from three, only with three I think the author was trying to hard...

Perhaps start over, with a clean sheet of paper? Did you read the article I linked you to above?

I'm not sure what to say that I didn't say already. You have to write it so that the reader also feels. Don't talk about you, and what you feel. Perhaps choose the event of the death, or the loss, rather than talk about it. Show us what is happening, and through that, let us experience it with you.


If you have any questions on this, feel free to ask.

Better?

Read over it, you have some typos.

I think you should also consider cleaning up the punctuation, or doing something. All the period make it seem clunky.

Poems like this are always hard to do the right way, but I think you're good with poetry, yes? Or as good as a beginner can be (I'm a beginner too!) I suggest you rewrite this, and instead of telling the reader what is going on, or how you are feeling, try to capture it, and express it through action or imagery, or sensory, you know? You want to make the reader feel, rather than tell them how you feel. You want to pull the reader in with you. Make me cry, and feel lonely, and wish that I had "her" back too, you know? That's what poetry should do.

This might help: Emotional Poetry.

Best of luck!