Young Writers Society

Hey there! We meet again (I think?). Hope you've been enjoying your time on YWS so far

Overall, this poem really didnt work for me. Your images were cliche and the "story" you were trying to tell didnt seem to hang together. So I have a few recommendations for you to try (as always, at your own discretion) Here goes!

Sighing,
Weeping,
Longing,
A red hot flame still kindled.
I said I loved you. You said you are too young and turned me away.
You look at me different,not the same.

First of all - I like the way you've broken down the main ideas into single-word lines. Very catchy. The part I dislike is the last section - the last two lines, to be precise. "You said you are too young" is very confused. "You" said who was too young? "You" is too young? Or the narrator ("I") of the poem? I would recommend breaking down that line too, as it's too long to do justice to the rhythm of the poem.

An idea might be:

"I said I loved you, but
you said I was too young and turned me away."

Also, that last line -- "not the same" is entirely redundant (that's what "different" MEANS) so I would advise you to cut it. It's unnecessary.

PS: It's "differently".

Sighing,
Weeping,
Longing,
A red hot flame still kindled.

I'm not sure I approve of this repetition. It takes up a lot of your poem and doesnt give you room to further develop your other ideas. Perhaps you could repeat the style (i.e. the one-word lines) but not the words themselves? That way you can explore your concept without breaking the repetitive flow.

Still longing for what can never be.
Arya Svit-Kona , your friendship is not enough.
I want more.
I still long for what can never be.

Get rid of that last line there, it's unnecessary. If I were you I'd make the first line say it all: "I'm still longing for what can never be". Also, you might think about breaking this up into recognizable stanzas, so that it doesnt all run together.

Sighing,
Weeping,
Longing,
A red hot flame still kindled

Circularity is all very well, but, again, I'm not sure I'd go with it in this case. Sighing and weeping and the like are cliche in the first place; repeating them only makes your reader conscious of this fact. Same with the red-hot flame. It does provide a neat finishing section -- but it doesnt tell me anything. What are you trying to convey? Like Imp said, the poem doesnt feel in its present state. It tells. So...yeah. Some revision needed, I guess.

Anyway, good to see some more of your work around. Keep it up!

Cheers,
~bubbles

What's rather neat about it all is the catch-phrase like simplicity the lines manage. ^_^ I can see them intermingled with film in some movie trailer.

Sighing,
Weeping,
Longing,
A red hot flame still kindled.
I said I loved you. You said you are too young and turned me away.
You look at me different,not the same.