I live in the shadows not of buildings,but of men.
My name is Alilessa Piemur and this is my journey.
Dear Journal,
Welcome to Corellia,my name is Alilessa Piemur and I live on Corellia in the Corellian system.My tale thus far is a sad one for I'm a Orphan. Thanks to to that good for nothing Empire and Dikat.My parents Aliaine and Alessan Piemur,died when I was fifteen, leaving me with only enough money to buy you dear journal and a ticket from Drall to Corellia. For the past three years I've been trying to find a way to Coruscant,to try find a Mirax Terrik or a Luke Skywalker.
For when I was thirteen my mother gave me this advice"Find a way on to the Errant Venture and work as server or a tech.Then if Booster likes you,you can find way to be a pilot." That's my dream, to become a pilot. I grew up on tales of Wedge Antilles,Han Solo,and Myn Donos. My friend Marsanna aka Mars and I plan to work on the Venture and eventually fly for the New Republic. But so far Mars and I have met a Corran Horn and a Iella Wessiri,but that was back when my parents were still alive.I'd better go for I going to try and get a job as P.A.(Personal Assistant) with a Rostek Horn..
So now I must go dear Wynssa.
Alilessa
Dear Wynssa,
It's nearly midnight and I might have a job! Mr.Horn seemed really pleased when I told him my plans, especially the one about Mirax Terrik.
Wonder what that means. Well I'd better go.
Alilessa
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,847 Reviews
Dear Wynssa,
I got a job! Mr.Horn said his grandson knows Mirax Terrik and is an excellent pilot.He also said his grandson is coming soon.Well I'd better go.I have to get ready for Mr. Horn's grandson's arrival.
Alilessa
Dear Wynssa,
Mr.Horn's grandson arrived today in the company of Mirax Terrik. Then as I watched them disembark Mr.Horn told me his grandson was Corran Horn and Mirax Terrik was his wife.That's not all he told me that Corran was in Rogue Squadron and knows Wedge Antilles and his wife Iella Wessiri.
I couldn't believe it.Then he introduced us and I nearly fainted when Corran said he remembered me.
Well I'd better go.
Alilessa
Just posted new stuff,please critique.
Alanna
Your begining grabs me alittle, but it isn't enough. I think you should write more before posting.
I like your two opening lines, they make me want to read your story. But I can't, because it's not here! Maybe you should wait until you have a little more before posting.
if you're writing in youre journal, you dont usually say: welcome to (where ever you live). thats all i have to say, cos its weird.
I agree with Crysi that it's rather small to critique..
But I'll say I did like your first line. The rest is quite repetitive (you say her name is Alilessa Piemur, and that she is in Corellia, twice). I didn't really find it to be an interesting start, sorry.
...Hmm.
Okay, so this is a start... but where's the rest? I can't exactly critique something that doesn't have content.